And I'm finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

Smeared black ink, your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands.
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge, a vinyl sticker with bigh block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am.

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex,
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving
D.C. sleeps alone tonight

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seing why i was the one worth leaving
The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening.
And I am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving.
-leave it to Ben Gibbard.

Hello. This is a kind of personal entry. I need to write it out and think it out though, so here we are. Caution: read at your own risk.

I was thinking about things that are over now, as usual, and I realized that in general, the last two most important guys in my life, in a romantic sense, loved me but I wouldn't let them. I know that sounds ridiculous.

In the first case, he was still dating his girlfriend of over three years and although in all emotional senses I was his girlfriend- there are a ton of examples I can write here to explain how close we were and how much I mattered to him and vice versa but will spare both you (faithful reader) and me (my pride, and these details have been over-analyzed to death). His best friend used to always say that I was the only one who could ever break them up; no one in their group really liked them together because while they were probably a perfect couple years ago, their relationship had come to a certain point where it was detrimental for both of them to still be in it, although neither one was strong enough to break it off. I always shrugged off his best friend's insistence- I figured he was just implying that I was the only close enough to the guy to make a difference in his life, which taken differently could have been all the proof I needed to see how he felt abou tme, but I never acted on it. I wasn't about to be the homewrecker because in getting so close to him I had gotten close to her too. I am not a life-ruiner, it's never been in my nature. I left where I was living for a period of time, during which I realized how I felt about him and what that meant. I think that all those times I didn't explicitly say HEY I LIKE YOU, and all those times I didn't tell them to break up, all those times he put himself out there and I never really understood thus didn't reciprocate, really hurt him. I know it did. I tried to re-establish contact while I was gone and it didn't really go well at all. I got angry at that because I felt like I had lost my best friend. Looking back at it though, I realize that it was me that messed it up. I mean the fact that he was even that close to me in general while having this girlfriend should have been clear enough indication that he was having doubts in his relationship, but I wouldn't push it. I don't know why- I obviously didn't realize what was happening until I was separated from the sitatuion, thus the strange way things ended. Like when I finally couldn't have him, I decided I wanted him. I have since reconnected with him, and while we are friends because it is impossible not to be when you know someone so well for such a long period of time, things will never be the way they were. I tried, but it failed, and that really sucks. I have no one to blame but myself.

In the more recent situation, this boy clearly was infatuated with me. We became closer than I ever have with anyone in such a short period of time, and I feel like we knew each other better than I have known most of the other people in my life, even the best or oldest of my friends. It was easier to talk to him than most people I have ever met and now we barely speak. How does that happen? He was a bit more obvious than the aforementioned guy, and I don't know why, but I constantly turned him down and maintained the "just friends" mentality. It finally came to a head and when we were trying to figure things out, I stressed, kind of meanly, that we weren't dating, hadn't been, wouldn't be, and while I wanted to stay friends I knew that going back to our "real lives" would drastically change the dynamic of our relationship. I saw how that hurt him and didn't get any satisfaction at all out of that, in fact it hurt me to hurt him, but I stood by my opinion. I really wish I could somehow explain my reasoning. Now that we are thousands of miles apart, I realize how much I miss him. It's more than I miss any friend. I tried to talk to him recently but it didn't really work and I can't even blame him. I acted how I did. He was in it. Again, I have only myself to blame. I was the one who said no repeatedly and for what? To keep my options open? That's such bullshit. There love was again, tangible and staring me in the face and that's how I acted, again.

I don't know why it takes me thousands of miles to realize anything important, but here I am, alone and wondering how things went wrong. In the past, I would justify things by saying that I didn't want to regret anything and didn't want to get hurt, but after much reflection I realize regret makes us human as much as getting hurt does. I still don't understand how I could have been so heartless to either one of these two men, for I am the furthest thing from heartless and I do not, in no way, gain satisfaction from others' feelings being hurt or having some sort of power. I think I must have been scared of what was happening in both situations, which also scares me. Because now that I am getting older and settling becomes more and more important to me, I realize I can't just get up and go 3,000 miles to fix my problems anymore and at the end of the day, I want someone to come home to. I have had a hard time with the notion of "home" since the day I left it for good and I can't deny that, but I think in the end it will have something to do with the person that I love. I just can't believe I was so stupid. As someone who prides herself on being perceptive and analytic, (and you can't deny I am either if you really read what I am saying) how could I have missed the two most important events of my life if I had just let them happen or been paying attention? I think I have really learned my lesson here, because with the more recent pseudo-relationship, his absence has weighed a hell of a lot more than the presence of others.

This all coincides with the worst bout of bad luck I have ever had in my cognizant memory. Starting with my birthday, which was an epic fail for a few reasons, then missing my flight to Barcelona (and while we got to go to Paris instead and I really enjoyed that, I truly was upset to miss Spain), then moving back home to find it completely different yet exactly the same and realizing I didn't quite feel right there- perhaps because I had to share a car, had no job and the weather wasn't perfect, coming back to Arizona in hopes of fixing some personal shit and finding a job only to realize that my car needed $1400 to fix and I had to buy a new computer through now, still not getting a job or internship, trying everyday but failing and wasting so much time it seems. I fill my days with the menial activties I enjoy while living in here: contemplating, driving a lot, swimming outside almost everyday, visiting my friends, hanging out at the best cafe I have ever been to and feeling inspired to take over the world every time I step onto the campus that has become home, I still feel like something is missing. And it is: love. I could have had it, too, if only I just let it happen. That's what kills me the most, because while a lot of these things were out of my control, that wasn't. Yet still, here we are. I am trying to get over this as quickly as possible, and think in a few weeks or a month I'll be okay because everything will re-familiarize as it's supposed to, it's just hard right now. And I feel like this isn't the stuff I can discuss easily with anyone but a blank processor because I have a hard time explaining why I think I don't deserve what I should have had all along.

I want to leave you explaining that I will eventually be okay- I know I will. For so long I have been fooling myself, saying that all I did was for my own best interest and to not regret, but I have changed that philosophy. I still think the journey is more important than the destination and feel that every experience teaches me something, I just needed to think this out and thus write it out because now that I have isolated the problem, I can begin the first real solution in what feels like years. This is my therapy and I hope that it either helps or entertains you too. Oh, what a world we live in.