Dream a little dream of me....

Hello faithful readers!

I want to post because I have been having really strange dreams lately and have no clue what they mean. The first strange dream was some weird series of events that culminated in me and two friends lying face-down in an abandoned warehouse in Sandy Hook, with Tupac about to shoot us. Right when he was about to pull the trigger, I suddenly saw myself having my own cooking show on the Food Network. It was a couple weeks ago and I thought nothing of it, but other strange dreams have happened that I'd like to share.

Around the same time as the Tupac-cooking dream, I dreamt that I was hanging around New Jersey, in a convienence store, I think, when two of my teeth just fell out. I freaked out, went to a dentist the next day and everything seemed to be okay. She worked on me, seemed really cool, etc. I went on my way. The next night, though, I was out with my mom and suddenly all my teeth fell out. Then I starting throwing up a stream of teeth. I wish I could somehow paint this or show it to you- it was nuts. I freaked out completely, went back to the dentist and although it was 10:30 pm, she was still open and working on many other people, all around my age. I showed her the teeth and then started throwing them up again. She said she didn't know what was going on, then I woke up. I have read that teeth falling out means something to do with gossip? I don't know. I have never had such a vivid image of this, it was so insane. There are a million little facets I would investigate here; I was never alone when the teeth fell out, the dentist was cool and worked on many other people my age so I was even more embarassed to throw up in front of them, where did all these teeth come from? And what have you...Needless to say, when I woke up, my whole jaw hurt because I had been seriously clenching my teeth.

Now for the weirdest of them all. Two nights ago, I dreamt that my brain was falling down my face.. I know that sounds strange. It was all within my head, though, no brain-guts oozing, just there was a serious medical problem that had to be addressed. I got myself to the doctor, and he told me there was going to be a scar, but he had to cut the top of my scalp off (like in Hannibal). In order to do so, he wasn't going to put me under anesthesia, instead opting to give me eye-drops that would paralyze my face/make me feel no pain/black out. I of course was very unhappy with this, because not only was it a cosmetic issue but also it seemed that he had too much control doing things this way. Regardless, I decided to let him go ahead because by this point my brain was behind my nasal cavity. He starts to put the drops in and one eye gets black way faster than the other. My left eye blacks out, my right eye is still cogniscent. I try to tell him what's going on, because now there seems to be a serious issue, me being the paranoid individual I am I start to think that he drugged only one eye, etc. I am paralyzed, though. Right when he's about to cut open my head, I wake up, legitimately momentarily paralyzed, gasping for air and unable to move my hands or legs. I know I was dehydrated when I went to bed, so that explains why I was literally gasping for air. But the paralysis- that's something more. I read about Night Terrors on Wikipedia, which isn't credible but whatever, and it said that usually the person wakes up without memory of a dream, just memory of the feeling. My sister has that a lot I feel like; every time we are forced to sleep together there is a high probability of her screaming. But that doesn't fit here, with me. I don't know why I was paralyzed, but it was so scary.

Sometimes I think my dreams are the results of the many weird short stories I am reading for my thesis, all gothic and having to do with some sort of deformation, but these dreams are so vivid that I think that can't be it. I am really a part of these dreams, I'm not just a witness. I don't know. I hope it gets better soon.

Another weird thing is that my hair has been falling out. I don't know if it always has- I mean, I have a lot of hair.. it's thick and I'm not balding, I'm just noticing that whenever I shower it's a lot more prone to fall out. It's kind of gross. I remember reading a long time ago that on average a high number of strands fall out everyday, I forget the exact number but I remember thinking it too high for real life, so I'm not exactly worried about this yet, I just think these things are all symptoms of something much bigger.

I am the most stressed out I have ever been right now. I think that's funny, considering bigger events, like the SATs, getting into college, enduring one terrible class, studying abroad or trying to figure out the liguistics of going to school 3,000 miles from home are much more tangible in their stress-causing realities. What I am most stressed about is the future, both short-term and long-term. I am really worried that I won't find a job in real life, which has been perpetuated by my ever-present rejection this summer with both jobs and internships. I also realize that Spring is my last opportunity now to do an internship, which sucks. I don't know why I didn't get one in the Summer.. well, it was because I was expatriate, but now that is coming back to bite me. If I don't get an internship for this Spring, I'm like an actress on Broadway who never performed before.. it's the necessary training wheels that I need, if only for my resume, and if that doesn't happen, how can I ever get a job doing something I want to do? I have had the worst bout of bad luck in recent memory, as I think I have detailed here, and I am sincerely hoping it turns itself around by Spring so I'm not completely fucked over. I feel like I'm a good person who works hard and tries to do the best I can, I am not a mean individual and never seek revenge, so I don't understand why I continue to be turned down in everything I decide I want. It goes beyond jobs, it applies to my personal life too. I am happy, I'm not saying I'm not happy, it's just I'm not the happiest I could be. I know what I need to do to fix it, but I also know that it's kind of too late to do so. I don't really feel like getting into this at legnth, but yeah.. I am so stressed about the future. I think my thesis will go well, I think classes will be okay, etc. But the real future, like what I do after I graduate, is way more in my face now than it ever was. I never really planned for it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I made my life more about the journey than the destination. Now, I can't decide if that's coming back to bite me in the ass, or if I can just blame things on "the economy."

As of now, all I can do is keep living my life. I know that the only way to face these huge problems is exactly that: to face them. I am no stranger to adversity and have faith in myself that I will be okay, that I will get an internship somewhere and that I will get a job doing something. I do have faith in that. It just is really scary right now, because for the first time, there is a real possibility of failure. I have never failed anything, ever. Well, besides the occasional physics or calc test. But never failed at life-stuff, and now I really might, if things don't get better. Perhaps I should just start being a moral superstar and my karma might reverse itself? I feel like I am not too far from that right now, though. I don't know why this bad luck has lasted this long, or where it came from, I just know it needs to be over so I can live my life...