Hello and Welcome

Hi!

I don't know who wants to read this. It will definitely not be as interesting as my abroad blog, but such is life. I created this because I am currently going through much apprehension about the future, both long- and short-term.

Long-term:
I never really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I know that sounds ridiculous, like how can someone not think about that? Well, my philosophy and doctrine of living my life required me to focus all attention on the present. For as long as I have been cogniscent, I've tried to put all energy towards living for the journey, not the destination. That means that I have had a lot of fun in my life and seen and experienced a hell of a lot more than the average 21-year-old, which I am so proud of because I did it all myself, for myself, and the interest in the world around me has become and remained unwavering. I am thankful for that. Really, I am. But I didn't spend the quintessential two years trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, didn't go to school for a degree that would make me money (English- could you have guessed?) and didn't think twice about it. I also believe that everything turns out okay in the end, and if it's not the end it's not okay. So I do think everything will work out for me, it's just a bit more frightening than usual because all of a sudden I am so OLD. I have never felt this old. But I have friends that are engaged or married, my parents are clearly getting older, my sister is in this kickass job, I have to write a thesis in the next nine months, I am graduating college next year, my best friend's little brother is graduating high school tomorrow, I just lived in London for six months, can enjoy 21-year-old life and have friends that are completely financially independent. It's so weird to me. I have always been the baby. I am the youngest in my family by six years so I always was the young one and now I'm not. I know that isn't any great big revelation, but it's slapping me in the face nonetheless.

This worry is basically perpetuated by the fact that this is the first summer in six years? perhaps seven, I have a terrible memory.. that I am not working. I usually work my ass off in the summer and live on it during the year, through various waitressing jobs. I also have no internship, which would apply given my academic status. The reason for both of these is because I came back from my semester abroad in London (http://tusewrlhr.blogspot.com if you are interested) a bit too late (June 3) for either. I applied for three internships abroad, but nothing panned out. I loaf around, on my parents' dime, and try to make the best of things. Luckily life isn't too hard and my parents can actually do this for me, I just feel so strange living off them again in all respects of my life. Another thing that marks this summer as strange is my lack of transportation. I have a car that has been shipped back-and-forth to Arizona since the second semester of my sophomore year, but due to lack of finances around Christmas this year and the fact that I was going to London, we left it in Tucson. All well and good, but now that I am back in New Jersey I have to share a car with my Mom, which works out fine usually but has yet another strange effect on my perceptions of the summer in general.

Perhaps the weirdest thing of all is that I am going back to Arizona in July. I don't find this as weird as I would have three years ago because I truly miss the people there and understand that it makes the most sense as I am paying rent for my apartment there, can work on my thesis in comfort, have my car there and can most likely find a job that I can keep through the year. I know it's the best choice. But it's the desert in the summer- some place I never thought I'd be. My roommate and I talk about it a lot; we both said we'd never stay the summer, and she has been there and will leave a few days after I get back, but only for a few weeks. It's like part of my home and my life is in Arizona, which I honestly never foresaw coming. It's not that I hated the place, it just wasn't the home I'm used to.

But being abroad and gone and always traveling for so long has really challenged my notions of home. I mean I know where my home is- I am sitting here right now. I know where my roots lie and where my parents are from and what my friends are doing et cetera et cetera, but this is the first time this really doesn't feel like home anymore. I can't even explain why fully, it's just so strange. Like the food isn't my food, the activities are not what I want to be doing, my parents have such a slow-paced life in comparison to what I am used to and while I have my friends here, (thank God!) I feel like I have less and less in common with everyone here. I want to be in a bigger city than this. I want to experience more of life than what lies here. And I always have- I have always wanted to spread my wings and get away, which explains my choice to attend University in Arizona and study abroad in London, both without knowing another soul doing the same thing. I survived both, made great friends with both and am altogether so happy I did both. But after living like that, it's hard to come back to this. It's comforting, yes, but it isn't what I want or necessarily need. I don't think Tucson is the answer either, though. The bottom line remains that I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what will give it to me or even clue me into it either. I think it might end up having very much to do with the great love of my life, but also hate to stake all hope in such romantic and honestly uncharacteristic of me thoughts.

I am going to use this as a place to bounce around ideas. Because I am a bit more stressed than I thought I was about all of this upcoming in the next year. And then again, I try to remember that I am only 21 and as confused as I am I am also sure that there are others out there a lot less equipped than me, which is comforting but irrelevant.

Christy moves on, or at least tries to, from the armchair of dear old 6 Judith.