Isn't it funny

How one thing can really be a spark for some legitimate thought?

I'll specify: I have a friend who studied abroad in London for the whole year, which I could not have done I don't think, and she was talking about her final days in the big smoke and got onto the subject of regret.

Regret. I have always been one of those people that made it a mission to "Live with no regrets."
And I don't think I have really failed on that, but I realize now how stupid it is to act like that. I have made a lot of mistakes growing up, as anyone does, but somehow shurgged off things I wish had gone differently, chalked it up to chance or plain ignored things if I didn't like the way they were headed, just so I wouldn't admit regret. But in retropsect, it stunted me to do that. It stunted me emotionally, it stunted me in terms of communicating to others what I need and want and it stunted my social skills. I feel like I'm through with trying to please everyone and getting caught up and honestly getting hurt because I don't want to regret something or start a fight. It has recently occurred to me that many of my friendships are rooted in the fact that just because I have been friends with the person so long, we continue to be friends, but I don't even really enjoy their company anymore and have not for years. I know how horrible that sounds and I know that I am incapable really of ever ending a friendship, but it's strange that I am cogniscent of it now.

I am not sure what has really enlightened me to this, except the fact that a few recent instances concerning a specific friend have made me realize that I wait around far too long and waste time in the process, but I feel like it's important for another reason altogether. I feel as though right now I am in the prime of understanding myself and making consequent life decisions. I feel stronger than I ever have before and empowered by this confidence, which all comes from the basic fact that I have realized that I am done living my life for other people in fear of regretting anything and enjoying the present. That has been my biggest regret of all, I think. Living for other people, I mean doing what others want me to, feeling obligated to everyone and everything and not taking certain chances and opportunities when they present themselves for fear of offending someone else, is what I slip into when I'm not conscious. It's in my nature I guess to please others, always has been. But the time has come now that I really don't care about a lot of other people, I see who has been important to me and who has not. I dont want to waste any more time living like this, but it's inevitable while at home. That is perhaps the closest thing I can provide as an explanation as to why I need to leave New Jersey. I like being so far away from everyone because it's a break. I don't exactly like mixing my worlds because of the small-town, deep-seeded animosities that surround this area and I don't think I want to come back here after I graduate. Again, I can't say where this is coming from really but I am pretty sure it's steadfast in its appearance. This is so enlightening to me and makes me more excited than I was when I left for London.

All this came from that fact that I finally realized I DO have regrets and that's okay. Not to have any means not really living fully enough to risk a signifcant amount of emotion vested into whatever endeavour that may indeed result in a regret. So yes, I am admitting I'm human. I can't list off my regrets here, but they are few and far between and I think I have pretty much learned my lesson.

I wish my laptop was not broken so I could put up some pictures recounting this past month of self-discovery, but alas.

Until next time.