Cyclical

I don't think I've been too good at updating this.

I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..

I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.

Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.

I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.

I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.