Hello.!.
Okay so obviously I'm not in the habit of updating this as much as I'd like to be, but I think that's a good thing.
However, something is bothering me- I really feel uncomfortable. I don't know how else to put it. In constant transition? I'm not sure, really, but I don't feel quite at home here in Tucson yet, although things are progressing as usual. Classes started today, I did some work for my internship, wrote six pages of my thesis two days ago...I've already been back to my favorite cafe and restaurant, but somehow it just feels different. Part of me feels like I have already left this place. And while there are constant reminders that I haven't, that I live here, it just doesn't feel right. I'm really hoping this is temporary because I don't think too much has changed since I've last been here. I still enjoy Tucson for what it is. And it's been great so far, awesome weather (like fifty degrees warmer than at home).
But I have this unshakeable loneliness that isn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I guess it's just the first time I've felt it in a while. I think it's because I have actually been spending a lot of my time here alone, but I also think it has to do with what changes occurred the last time I went home. I feel for sure that I don't exactly belong there, either. I love my friends there and feel like they still understand me better than anyone else and I enjoyed my family a lot, but there's really nothing for me there or something; I mean in terms of starting my life, in professional and or personal senses. I felt more at home when I went to upstate NY to visit two friends from abroad or in NYC with my sister than I did in my own house or than I do here. What's that about?
I feel like my frustration with Tucson has come to such a head so many times in the past that now it's like beating a dead horse, so I began to actually enjoy my time here while I could at the beginning of this summer and that hasn't waned. It's just, I feel like I dunno, I'm on the brink of something really serious or something. Haha I wish I didn't sound so complacent because I am fully aware that something's going on, I just can't place my finger on what it is. I feel like I meet new people, befriend new people and enjoy it while it lasts but it's like I keep trying on clothes that don't exactly fit me. They fit me well enough to wear for a while, but no basics.
I wish this made more sense.
I dunno. I think I've just really felt a sense of closure on a lot of things in my life recently. What I was pining over all summer is pretty much dead. I still have those feelings sometimes but I think it's more a product of nostalgia than anything else. I think things would have turned out differently when I was at home concerning that whole thing if they were supposed to. I also closed the book on a good friendship...inadventently, to say the least. But I'm not sure I can ever forgive this person or look at her the same; her true colors have been revealed and I think it saddens me more than anything else that someone can change for the worse so greatly so quickly, but c'est la vie. I'm not closed completely to reconciliation because we were so close for so long, I just won't initiate. Bleh that is bad energy though and I'm not going to waste any more time on it.
All I can say is I'm looking forward to the next big change, however that manifests itself. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I won't be so selfish that I completely miss it.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Home
So this is the longest I've been home since June.
It's kind of weird.
I have been making a lot of big decisions recently about where I want to be next year. In October, I had the realization that I enjoy being fluent in Spanish and would like to keep that up, so I looked into programs teaching English in Argentina, about which I have heard so much and wanted to go to ever since two friends of mine studied abroad there. I thought that was really the right path for me, as I enjoyed my life the most when I was living abroad and whilst it wasn't always peachy keen, the experience I had in London far outweighs anything else I've ever done in my life. Arizona is a close second, but living in one of the pulse-of-life cities (did I make that up or steal the term?) was so exciting and so liberating, a place where I lived life how I'd always imagined it and where things were much more possible than they are here. Granted, nostalgia always does coat everything in a romantic light, but whatever.
The more I thought about the bullshit of living abroad again, though, like the necessary visa, different currency and possibility that my fluency isn't as deep as it should be - or anything else, like how dangerous Argentina is or the health of my family or something - I realized that what I loved the most about London was the fact that it's like New York.
When I was picking a university all those years ago, I wanted to get as far away from New York City as I could because I saw how city-school changed my sister and living in Manhattan for just a few months turned her into some kind of monster. I realize now that it was dramatized in my head; but I saw the ruthlessness of Manhattanites and realized that I didn't want to compete anymore. Arizona was a great choice for me, a perfect time for relaxation and a GREAT opportunity to meet people from all over the country, states and cities I had never previously fathomed and that in and of itself was perhaps the best part about going to Tucson. I understand that. But I got sick of it - I craved the faster pace-of-life and realized that if I stayed in Tucson, things would be TOO easy. I have remedied that by going to London and taking an insane amount of classes in temrs of difficulty and sheer volume that I really don't need. But then I thought to myself, why not just shut the fuck up about it and move to New York? That's kind of always been the plan for me... even though I didn't want to admit it in 2006, I mean that's what the teachers were pushing for, etc. I want to move there and work in publishing.
That seems simple enough, so we'll see how it goes.
But as of late, another thought has been creeping into my overanalytic brain: is that settling? I feel like it's not because it will be exciting and fun, but somehow I see myself however far along down the line falling into the suburban life my parents have. That life is great for them, it really is, and they had their fun and raised a family and have the white house, you know? I hate to sound so fucking vain, but I really think I'm meant for something more than that. I don't know it's like fame.. probably not, but I dunno, I don't want to have such an average life. Although I'm sure once I find Mr. Right and have my kids I will want this life. So I'm really torn, because I'm at this huge crossroads - well, will be in an even huger one come May - and I don't want to make the wrong choice. I guess, though, if college has taught me only one thing it's that there's really no wrong choice. I know that sounds weird too. I will be able to formulate what I'm thinking way more clearly in a few months, I'm sure.
But in terms of the everyday at dear old 6 Judith, not much has changed. Something strangely hurtful happened to me yesterday involving a couple really good friends, but c'est la vie, no?
I hope Christmas and the holidays brought all you faithful readers some good times.
I plan to do some sort of retrospective of the year 2009 in this blog sometime soon.. that's the only thing I can really say here. For daily crap that comes up in my head, go to http://www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.
It's kind of weird.
I have been making a lot of big decisions recently about where I want to be next year. In October, I had the realization that I enjoy being fluent in Spanish and would like to keep that up, so I looked into programs teaching English in Argentina, about which I have heard so much and wanted to go to ever since two friends of mine studied abroad there. I thought that was really the right path for me, as I enjoyed my life the most when I was living abroad and whilst it wasn't always peachy keen, the experience I had in London far outweighs anything else I've ever done in my life. Arizona is a close second, but living in one of the pulse-of-life cities (did I make that up or steal the term?) was so exciting and so liberating, a place where I lived life how I'd always imagined it and where things were much more possible than they are here. Granted, nostalgia always does coat everything in a romantic light, but whatever.
The more I thought about the bullshit of living abroad again, though, like the necessary visa, different currency and possibility that my fluency isn't as deep as it should be - or anything else, like how dangerous Argentina is or the health of my family or something - I realized that what I loved the most about London was the fact that it's like New York.
When I was picking a university all those years ago, I wanted to get as far away from New York City as I could because I saw how city-school changed my sister and living in Manhattan for just a few months turned her into some kind of monster. I realize now that it was dramatized in my head; but I saw the ruthlessness of Manhattanites and realized that I didn't want to compete anymore. Arizona was a great choice for me, a perfect time for relaxation and a GREAT opportunity to meet people from all over the country, states and cities I had never previously fathomed and that in and of itself was perhaps the best part about going to Tucson. I understand that. But I got sick of it - I craved the faster pace-of-life and realized that if I stayed in Tucson, things would be TOO easy. I have remedied that by going to London and taking an insane amount of classes in temrs of difficulty and sheer volume that I really don't need. But then I thought to myself, why not just shut the fuck up about it and move to New York? That's kind of always been the plan for me... even though I didn't want to admit it in 2006, I mean that's what the teachers were pushing for, etc. I want to move there and work in publishing.
That seems simple enough, so we'll see how it goes.
But as of late, another thought has been creeping into my overanalytic brain: is that settling? I feel like it's not because it will be exciting and fun, but somehow I see myself however far along down the line falling into the suburban life my parents have. That life is great for them, it really is, and they had their fun and raised a family and have the white house, you know? I hate to sound so fucking vain, but I really think I'm meant for something more than that. I don't know it's like fame.. probably not, but I dunno, I don't want to have such an average life. Although I'm sure once I find Mr. Right and have my kids I will want this life. So I'm really torn, because I'm at this huge crossroads - well, will be in an even huger one come May - and I don't want to make the wrong choice. I guess, though, if college has taught me only one thing it's that there's really no wrong choice. I know that sounds weird too. I will be able to formulate what I'm thinking way more clearly in a few months, I'm sure.
But in terms of the everyday at dear old 6 Judith, not much has changed. Something strangely hurtful happened to me yesterday involving a couple really good friends, but c'est la vie, no?
I hope Christmas and the holidays brought all you faithful readers some good times.
I plan to do some sort of retrospective of the year 2009 in this blog sometime soon.. that's the only thing I can really say here. For daily crap that comes up in my head, go to http://www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I know I haven't been good with this currently.
School has really gotten the best of me.
Also, I update my tumblr way way more frequently concerning things I am into at the moment.
So check that shit out if you want to see what I'm into or whatever.
I am going to use this blog to discuss something a bit more personal.
I just saw Paris, Je T'aime, and it really made me remember that last trip to Paris with such fondness. That was probably the best time I had the entire time I was abroad, which is funny considering it was a last-minute substitution for Barcelona. But there was something there, a feeling, about Paris, that I really got to experience. I also did I think the first time I was there with Claire when we were in Monmarte drinking in a park, but the second time meant more because it was with who it was. I have obviously regretted a lot about how things turned out in terms of life after being abroad, and as much as I have tried to fix things, the biggest one is over. I feel like I've tried everything I could with that and it kills me to have lost out on such an amazing person, but I have to respect what the response I got was and just move on.
I've been trying to do that. I really have. I also think I spend too much time in whichever current location I reside romanticizing about where I used to live, etc, so I really concentrated on making the most of living in Tucson while I'm here. And I think I have been way more successful in that than ever before, and it somehow even carried over to going home. I was the most excited to be home that I had been in four years when I returned for Thanksgiving. I think I have finally made peace with the decisions that brought me to where I am and that I am really getting much better making the best of things.
Another thing that solidifies that is the fact that I got the internship I've been waiting for forever this next semester, about which I am really excited. If I like this, I am going to put Argentina on hold and look for a job in NYC. I have this feeling in my gut that it's all going to work out, which is comforting after all the stress that has accompanied the possible failure of the future.
All that being said, there is still a problem: I'm alone here. I need love, I want love, I have love in my friends and family and appreciate that endlessly, but I really think I am ready for "the love of my life" or what have you now. I don't know how to explain this, how it is so exciting but so saddening to be alone all the time, waiting but knowing, hoping but sure. I wish I could explain this more. But essentially: I feel like a lot of things in my life are coming to fruition, things I never planned for but always thought were going to happen are now happening, I am done finding myself and growing up and ready to live my live- and share that with someone. And I don't want to be one of those girls always looking for it, because like I said I am happy with the love in my life, I can't go back.
I hope all is well.
Also, I update my tumblr way way more frequently concerning things I am into at the moment.
So check that shit out if you want to see what I'm into or whatever.
I am going to use this blog to discuss something a bit more personal.
I just saw Paris, Je T'aime, and it really made me remember that last trip to Paris with such fondness. That was probably the best time I had the entire time I was abroad, which is funny considering it was a last-minute substitution for Barcelona. But there was something there, a feeling, about Paris, that I really got to experience. I also did I think the first time I was there with Claire when we were in Monmarte drinking in a park, but the second time meant more because it was with who it was. I have obviously regretted a lot about how things turned out in terms of life after being abroad, and as much as I have tried to fix things, the biggest one is over. I feel like I've tried everything I could with that and it kills me to have lost out on such an amazing person, but I have to respect what the response I got was and just move on.
I've been trying to do that. I really have. I also think I spend too much time in whichever current location I reside romanticizing about where I used to live, etc, so I really concentrated on making the most of living in Tucson while I'm here. And I think I have been way more successful in that than ever before, and it somehow even carried over to going home. I was the most excited to be home that I had been in four years when I returned for Thanksgiving. I think I have finally made peace with the decisions that brought me to where I am and that I am really getting much better making the best of things.
Another thing that solidifies that is the fact that I got the internship I've been waiting for forever this next semester, about which I am really excited. If I like this, I am going to put Argentina on hold and look for a job in NYC. I have this feeling in my gut that it's all going to work out, which is comforting after all the stress that has accompanied the possible failure of the future.
All that being said, there is still a problem: I'm alone here. I need love, I want love, I have love in my friends and family and appreciate that endlessly, but I really think I am ready for "the love of my life" or what have you now. I don't know how to explain this, how it is so exciting but so saddening to be alone all the time, waiting but knowing, hoping but sure. I wish I could explain this more. But essentially: I feel like a lot of things in my life are coming to fruition, things I never planned for but always thought were going to happen are now happening, I am done finding myself and growing up and ready to live my live- and share that with someone. And I don't want to be one of those girls always looking for it, because like I said I am happy with the love in my life, I can't go back.
I hope all is well.
Friday, November 13, 2009
MONSTER UPDATE!&*
Hey, all. I have not updated this puppy in a long ass time. This is the first time I can remember in a long time that I haven't had some huge academic problem hanging over my head, like two papers due the same day, tests, 100+ pages of reading, lots of internship things to write up, etc; in fact, this free time makes me a little nervous but here we are. It's been over a month so let me re-cap October for you all.
Stephanie and Brittany both turned 21! Brittany took this awesome picture of Stephanie and I on her birthday that really captures our relationship:
Casey and I decided to start a fashion blog. We are still in the process of creating it but I think it will be awesome. Called Caseristy probably. Casey and my friend Emily and I went to Tucson's attempt at breaking the world's record for the largest simulatenous thriller dance in October, and unfortunately it didn't happen but it was awesome to watch nonetheless. We also bought these sixties housewife robes and are going to throw a grandma party where we will make Woo-woos after dear old Fran. I'll put in a picture of what I took that day and I want you to focus on the guy's red jacket: it looks exactly like MJ's in the Thriller video!!
That next weekend was Halloween, which was actually okay this year! I say that because normally I loathe Halloween- it's overrated and normally I end up disappointed, but I managed to have some funz. Casey and her roommates had a great party. This was the only picture I could find of me with my striped tights: a key element to the Pirate costume. It's with one of my best friends here, Beth, whom you may recall from me visiting in Orvieto last March..
My mom came the first weekend of November, and it was really great to see her. I missed her a lot more than I realized and it made me uber excited for Thanksgiving. This is a picture of us out to dinner, terrible of me but whatever.
That same weekend was also U of A's Homecoming, where I got to enjoy being 21 years old. For three years I used to go to the mall before the game and be envious of everyone drinking with their friends in hundreds of tents, but this year I finally was a part of it!
Then that Sunday was the All Souls Procession, which is a Tucson tradition. It is the culmination of a month of planning that has to do with the Mexican tradition of Day of the Dead. Basically, everyone dresses up like zombies and celebrates the life of their deceased in a two-mile parade that draws up to around 10,000 people in the parade and watching it. This really resonanted with me because so many people have died recently from all different aspects of my life and it was nice to do this in their honor. There is a big party at the end with fire-dancers, a concert, etc. It's awesome, I was so happy to do it this year as it's probably my last living in Tucson! My friend Alana threw a great potluck before and Casey, Jenny and Nick tried our hardests too look deadz.
Then this week I drove up to Phoenix on Tuesday night to see my sister Allison, as she was in from Manhattan doing market research. I hardly ever get to see her and it was my first time driving alone to Phoenix, but I made it and had some fun to boot.
Most recently, last night I saw Coco before Chanel and I want you all to watch the trailer/go out and see it; it was amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvDFPjx-uBU I just love Audrey Tautou and France.. Anyway, more realistically perhaps today I attended a presentation on international job-searching, which is of course right up my alley. I feel as though Argentina is the quite tangible, really, and I am super excited to be abroad again and gain true fluency. It's only a matter of time, mija. Other news with me includes sending out applications for different internships. So interesting..NAHT. I am SOOOO sick of school and wish the plane to NJ for Thanksgiving was taking off in two hours. I know October flew by and November has been too- I can't believe it's already the middle of the month! Really!
I'll leave you with this gem, which is probably what I spend most of my time doing. . . MAYBE. Taken again by Brittany:
CHEERS!
Stephanie and Brittany both turned 21! Brittany took this awesome picture of Stephanie and I on her birthday that really captures our relationship:
Casey and I decided to start a fashion blog. We are still in the process of creating it but I think it will be awesome. Called Caseristy probably. Casey and my friend Emily and I went to Tucson's attempt at breaking the world's record for the largest simulatenous thriller dance in October, and unfortunately it didn't happen but it was awesome to watch nonetheless. We also bought these sixties housewife robes and are going to throw a grandma party where we will make Woo-woos after dear old Fran. I'll put in a picture of what I took that day and I want you to focus on the guy's red jacket: it looks exactly like MJ's in the Thriller video!!
That next weekend was Halloween, which was actually okay this year! I say that because normally I loathe Halloween- it's overrated and normally I end up disappointed, but I managed to have some funz. Casey and her roommates had a great party. This was the only picture I could find of me with my striped tights: a key element to the Pirate costume. It's with one of my best friends here, Beth, whom you may recall from me visiting in Orvieto last March..
My mom came the first weekend of November, and it was really great to see her. I missed her a lot more than I realized and it made me uber excited for Thanksgiving. This is a picture of us out to dinner, terrible of me but whatever.
That same weekend was also U of A's Homecoming, where I got to enjoy being 21 years old. For three years I used to go to the mall before the game and be envious of everyone drinking with their friends in hundreds of tents, but this year I finally was a part of it!
Then that Sunday was the All Souls Procession, which is a Tucson tradition. It is the culmination of a month of planning that has to do with the Mexican tradition of Day of the Dead. Basically, everyone dresses up like zombies and celebrates the life of their deceased in a two-mile parade that draws up to around 10,000 people in the parade and watching it. This really resonanted with me because so many people have died recently from all different aspects of my life and it was nice to do this in their honor. There is a big party at the end with fire-dancers, a concert, etc. It's awesome, I was so happy to do it this year as it's probably my last living in Tucson! My friend Alana threw a great potluck before and Casey, Jenny and Nick tried our hardests too look deadz.
Then this week I drove up to Phoenix on Tuesday night to see my sister Allison, as she was in from Manhattan doing market research. I hardly ever get to see her and it was my first time driving alone to Phoenix, but I made it and had some fun to boot.
Most recently, last night I saw Coco before Chanel and I want you all to watch the trailer/go out and see it; it was amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvDFPjx-uBU I just love Audrey Tautou and France.. Anyway, more realistically perhaps today I attended a presentation on international job-searching, which is of course right up my alley. I feel as though Argentina is the quite tangible, really, and I am super excited to be abroad again and gain true fluency. It's only a matter of time, mija. Other news with me includes sending out applications for different internships. So interesting..NAHT. I am SOOOO sick of school and wish the plane to NJ for Thanksgiving was taking off in two hours. I know October flew by and November has been too- I can't believe it's already the middle of the month! Really!
I'll leave you with this gem, which is probably what I spend most of my time doing. . . MAYBE. Taken again by Brittany:
CHEERS!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Liberty in a college kid's eyes.
Today I stubbed my toe so badly that the nail cracked, it hurts like hell hours after the fact, and I'm pouring Hydrogen Peroxide all over this puppy and it just stings and stings and stings.
But, I'm actually not that bothered by it. I am kind of glad, it's reminding me that I'm alive. I know how stupid/corny/weird that sounds, but recently I've been pretty sick and daily life has become a pretty serious repetition of schedule, monotony, boredom, etc. But this definitely reminded me that I still bleed when I get cut, I still am clumsy, I still am existent in this world and I still can shake things up whether I mean to or not.
My life has changed in a big way since I last wrote. I feel as though now I am completely mature - there was only one thing holding me back and that got taken care of about a week ago, so now I feel truly adult. I am excited. I also have decided that as much as I stress about the future and try to plan for it, nothing is set in stone and my chances of getting anything I want are probably just as good, if not better, if I do not plan or stress. I have focused on living my life in the present, as it were. I know that's also pretty corny, but that idea used to be a governing thought in whatever you might call my philosophy and got completely lost once I got back from London and was slapped in the face with the real world. That slap still stings- it's unignorable no longer, which is both good and bad. I used to focus on the present as a way to ignore the future, but now it's changed as a way to deal with the future. I know that come May, life will be changed forever. More than half of my friends will be in the West. I will, unless somehow get a job, be moving back to NJ and trying to score a job in Manhattan. I think that's what I have wanted all along. Two other interesting possibilities are: take a temporary job in a city that fascinates me, like San Fransisco, work there for however long whilst searching for what I really want to do OR teach English in either Buenos Aires or Spain. I looked into programs for teaching English abroad and in most of them you have to pay, I think to get certified, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I clearly need to look into that more, and will when schoolwork isn't of utmost concern, so probably winter break? That is something to look forward to. I just want to travel again and hopefully become fluent, finally.
Keeping grounded in the present, though, I must admit I have been feeling pretty unmotivated by school. I know that's nothing new, but usually for as much as I complain I still somewhere enjoy the work and that's why I do well. But for the last couple papers I've written and tests I've taken, I've been really blase towards the end result. I did really well on one test, and recieve word about a paper I wrote in that attitude on Monday. This one matters - it's for the Honors program - and I guess I'm stressing it, as dumb as that sounds, but I think the issue here lies more in the fact that I know I could have done better and just didn't. It's like in Top Chef when the chefs make not their absolute best dishes and know they're going home as a result. I don't want that to be me. I want to wow the judges! LOLZ..corniness is rampant today, huh.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. I think it's that since becoming truly mature, I have made peace with the uncertainty of the future. I know I won't fail now. There is no danger, only things to look forward to. I am going to look at the rest of this year as an adventure. I know I'll survive, hell even do well, and am actually excited for what's to come. I dread nothing now. This is true liberation.
But, I'm actually not that bothered by it. I am kind of glad, it's reminding me that I'm alive. I know how stupid/corny/weird that sounds, but recently I've been pretty sick and daily life has become a pretty serious repetition of schedule, monotony, boredom, etc. But this definitely reminded me that I still bleed when I get cut, I still am clumsy, I still am existent in this world and I still can shake things up whether I mean to or not.
My life has changed in a big way since I last wrote. I feel as though now I am completely mature - there was only one thing holding me back and that got taken care of about a week ago, so now I feel truly adult. I am excited. I also have decided that as much as I stress about the future and try to plan for it, nothing is set in stone and my chances of getting anything I want are probably just as good, if not better, if I do not plan or stress. I have focused on living my life in the present, as it were. I know that's also pretty corny, but that idea used to be a governing thought in whatever you might call my philosophy and got completely lost once I got back from London and was slapped in the face with the real world. That slap still stings- it's unignorable no longer, which is both good and bad. I used to focus on the present as a way to ignore the future, but now it's changed as a way to deal with the future. I know that come May, life will be changed forever. More than half of my friends will be in the West. I will, unless somehow get a job, be moving back to NJ and trying to score a job in Manhattan. I think that's what I have wanted all along. Two other interesting possibilities are: take a temporary job in a city that fascinates me, like San Fransisco, work there for however long whilst searching for what I really want to do OR teach English in either Buenos Aires or Spain. I looked into programs for teaching English abroad and in most of them you have to pay, I think to get certified, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I clearly need to look into that more, and will when schoolwork isn't of utmost concern, so probably winter break? That is something to look forward to. I just want to travel again and hopefully become fluent, finally.
Keeping grounded in the present, though, I must admit I have been feeling pretty unmotivated by school. I know that's nothing new, but usually for as much as I complain I still somewhere enjoy the work and that's why I do well. But for the last couple papers I've written and tests I've taken, I've been really blase towards the end result. I did really well on one test, and recieve word about a paper I wrote in that attitude on Monday. This one matters - it's for the Honors program - and I guess I'm stressing it, as dumb as that sounds, but I think the issue here lies more in the fact that I know I could have done better and just didn't. It's like in Top Chef when the chefs make not their absolute best dishes and know they're going home as a result. I don't want that to be me. I want to wow the judges! LOLZ..corniness is rampant today, huh.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. I think it's that since becoming truly mature, I have made peace with the uncertainty of the future. I know I won't fail now. There is no danger, only things to look forward to. I am going to look at the rest of this year as an adventure. I know I'll survive, hell even do well, and am actually excited for what's to come. I dread nothing now. This is true liberation.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
My last post
made me feel so bad for being such a whiny bitch, so I'm going to list here some things for/about which I am excited.
I know it's no major life-truth revealed, but it's helping me out, so bear with me boo.
Last night I saw Bon Iver at the Rialto in Tucson. It was a really intimate, awesome show. I recommend everyone checking out Skinny Love, my favorite song of his. (this link is a video but a pretty boring one so just click on it to hear the song). Anyway, hearing this in person made me so happy, rejuvenated almost, with my present situation.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, out 16 October. This looks AMAZING- one of my all-time favorite childhood books, Spike Jonze directing, Arcade Fire and Karen O on Soundtrack?!?!! It's like my wet dream of media!!!! Everyone cool is involved in this, I CANNOT wait to go see it. I haven't been this excited about a movie since Across the Universe.
October birthdays! Many of my good good friends are born in October: Nick, 2 October; Stephanie, 10 October; Claire, 22 October; Brittany, 30 October. My roommates will finally be 21 when this month is over, Claire will be 22 and Nicky's turning 23!
Halloween! I just want to dress up. I dunno what/who I want to be yet. I am thinking maybe Cher from Clueless? IDK who would get that. I might pull Kelly's tell-tale costume and be a zombie. THOUGHTZ?
That's kinda all I got.
Further in the future: TIM BURTON + ALICE AND WONDERLAND I AM SO HAPPY finally good movies are becoming the norm again.
I know it's no major life-truth revealed, but it's helping me out, so bear with me boo.
Last night I saw Bon Iver at the Rialto in Tucson. It was a really intimate, awesome show. I recommend everyone checking out Skinny Love, my favorite song of his. (this link is a video but a pretty boring one so just click on it to hear the song). Anyway, hearing this in person made me so happy, rejuvenated almost, with my present situation.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, out 16 October. This looks AMAZING- one of my all-time favorite childhood books, Spike Jonze directing, Arcade Fire and Karen O on Soundtrack?!?!! It's like my wet dream of media!!!! Everyone cool is involved in this, I CANNOT wait to go see it. I haven't been this excited about a movie since Across the Universe.
October birthdays! Many of my good good friends are born in October: Nick, 2 October; Stephanie, 10 October; Claire, 22 October; Brittany, 30 October. My roommates will finally be 21 when this month is over, Claire will be 22 and Nicky's turning 23!
Halloween! I just want to dress up. I dunno what/who I want to be yet. I am thinking maybe Cher from Clueless? IDK who would get that. I might pull Kelly's tell-tale costume and be a zombie. THOUGHTZ?
That's kinda all I got.
Further in the future: TIM BURTON + ALICE AND WONDERLAND I AM SO HAPPY finally good movies are becoming the norm again.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Cyclical
I don't think I've been too good at updating this.
I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..
I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.
Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.
I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.
I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.
I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..
I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.
Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.
I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.
I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.
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