I don't think I've been too good at updating this.
I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..
I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.
Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.
I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.
I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
In a New York state of mind.
Today is September 11. Here in Tucson, it's pretty much been a standard day. I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary, except my favorite coffee shop was patriotically decorated.
That still makes me sad. I first noticed the apathy my sophomore year of college here, and I am sure Tucson is not the only place in the world where it feels like no different day. I bet even in London or NJ people are acting normally. I wonder if there was even a speech given by Obama or anything in celebration/remembrance. It's a shame how disconnected I am to the news world. I really only read what I am interested in. . I think that's one of the biggest curses of the availability of information on the internet today.
At any rate. It's September 11. I remember exactly where I was when our middle school principal came in and told us that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers (the second one hadn't been hit yet). It was about 8:45 in the morning, if I remember correctly. He didn't make a big deal out of it, at all, probably on purpose, and I didn't realize the magnitude of what was happening. I remember thinking if my Mom knew what was going on - I wasn't sure that she already would be, that this would be one of the most defining events of our generation. How could I have known? When the second plane hit, kids started going home. I am from New Jersey, quite close to Manhattan, people often work in the city and live in the suburbs. Our area is full of such suburbs. That's when I first realized that this was something much bigger than just planes crashing into towers. Our science teacher put on the news against the principal wishes, but he was in there watching too - the desire for knowledge is natural in all humans, especially in time of crisis obviously, so there we all were. The imagery I saw that day has always stayed with me. The videos were re-played throughout the day, no one talked about anything but and although school had just started, we were totally rightfully unfocused.
I finally made it home and I really remember seeing the magnitude of this event around 4, when the news became too much for us and my Mom let me have the remote. I automatically turned to MTV, only to see that all broadcasting had been cut off and they were acting more like a news channel than anything else. Their offices are pretty far away from the Twin Towers, but being in the same city, they had to do something. Then, my Dad came home and showed me pictures he had taken from where the ferry to the financial district of Manhattan (only 45 minutes from Atlantic Highlands) comes and goes. It literally looked like a line of teeth with two badly broken, and smoke as far as the eye could see. He took panoramic and normal pictures and since this was before the advent of Photoshop their value was really quite shocking. I was only in eighth grade, but again, this has stayed with me since. I kind of avoided the politcal aspect of the planes hitting the towers BECAUSE I was only in eighth grade and focused on the people I knew or knew of that could have been affected.
The personal stories were endless, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had just avoided it. I really understood the event through these stories, understood what true hatred was because of this and learned a lot about America's international perception. I never knew ANYONE could hate America. I didn't really think of the world outside America, or the world outside New Jersey even. Looking back on that now, it seems comical, but like I said, I had just turned 13 at the time.
As time went on, I understood more and more what led up to this event, how New York rebuilt itself and what we were doing in retaliation. Although my levels of agreeing with each of those is varied, I at least began to see the reality of the situation. I can recall two events really solidifying the actuality of the event: the first, when the dust and ash settled, the Towers cleared away, what the same New York skyline I had been seeing my entire life now looked like: remember the tooth image? Think a perfect smile with the two front teeth missing. It looked so, so incomplete. The designs of what they had decided to do after that are still in motion, I think, but I remember in memorial they often lit two huge lightbeams from where the Towers would have stood, and that's always quite powerful. But seeing the skyline like this, suddenly every image I had seen or taken of the skyline before September 11 became so much more important because it was in a sense, complete. The second event was the first time I visited "ground zero" after September 11. It was some years after, maybe three or four, and I was taking the PATH train from I think Elizabeth? into NYC and our stop was the bottom of the Twin Towers. The memorial they had made in that ground below "ground zero" was stunning - it was kind of like a museum exhibit, with words on the walls, pictures, etc. It was kind of humbling to walk through that, it really made you think. I liked it too because people went about it with a sort of regularity. I guess that's a kind of New York City attitude - nothing is too shocking, you've been there, done that, etc. But I saw buisnessmen and the like shuffling about, going to work, stop and look, actively slow down their pace, even if for just a second, to see this exhibit type thing. That was nice. I am sure now people walk through it like anything else, if it's even still there, but at the time I found the slow pace of apprecaition somehow comforting.
I am lucky I didn't know anyone directly involved in the crashes. I knew people who had just avoided it or who knew others who had somehow been involved, but everyone I could think of was generally safe. That doesn't mean much though, because so many people WERE affected. Especially after the war started, which it took me about two years to realize was pretty far removed from September 11, and more people died, this became the cornerstone of my generation.
I will never forget September 11 and I hope none of you do, either. I know you won't.
On a much lighter note, which now seems almost absurd in comparison to what I have just written about, another thing that makes me think of NYC is the Spring/Summer 2010 Fashion Week happening now, September 10-17, 2009. I have seen some pictures and collections and it looks pretty inspiring. http://yvanrodic.blogspot.com/ is a good source of that.
It's good to see that the city doesn't shut down over this day, I just think there needs to be more of a balance between remembering and forgetting, if that's possible.
Alright. On that note, I am going now.
That still makes me sad. I first noticed the apathy my sophomore year of college here, and I am sure Tucson is not the only place in the world where it feels like no different day. I bet even in London or NJ people are acting normally. I wonder if there was even a speech given by Obama or anything in celebration/remembrance. It's a shame how disconnected I am to the news world. I really only read what I am interested in. . I think that's one of the biggest curses of the availability of information on the internet today.
At any rate. It's September 11. I remember exactly where I was when our middle school principal came in and told us that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers (the second one hadn't been hit yet). It was about 8:45 in the morning, if I remember correctly. He didn't make a big deal out of it, at all, probably on purpose, and I didn't realize the magnitude of what was happening. I remember thinking if my Mom knew what was going on - I wasn't sure that she already would be, that this would be one of the most defining events of our generation. How could I have known? When the second plane hit, kids started going home. I am from New Jersey, quite close to Manhattan, people often work in the city and live in the suburbs. Our area is full of such suburbs. That's when I first realized that this was something much bigger than just planes crashing into towers. Our science teacher put on the news against the principal wishes, but he was in there watching too - the desire for knowledge is natural in all humans, especially in time of crisis obviously, so there we all were. The imagery I saw that day has always stayed with me. The videos were re-played throughout the day, no one talked about anything but and although school had just started, we were totally rightfully unfocused.
I finally made it home and I really remember seeing the magnitude of this event around 4, when the news became too much for us and my Mom let me have the remote. I automatically turned to MTV, only to see that all broadcasting had been cut off and they were acting more like a news channel than anything else. Their offices are pretty far away from the Twin Towers, but being in the same city, they had to do something. Then, my Dad came home and showed me pictures he had taken from where the ferry to the financial district of Manhattan (only 45 minutes from Atlantic Highlands) comes and goes. It literally looked like a line of teeth with two badly broken, and smoke as far as the eye could see. He took panoramic and normal pictures and since this was before the advent of Photoshop their value was really quite shocking. I was only in eighth grade, but again, this has stayed with me since. I kind of avoided the politcal aspect of the planes hitting the towers BECAUSE I was only in eighth grade and focused on the people I knew or knew of that could have been affected.
The personal stories were endless, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had just avoided it. I really understood the event through these stories, understood what true hatred was because of this and learned a lot about America's international perception. I never knew ANYONE could hate America. I didn't really think of the world outside America, or the world outside New Jersey even. Looking back on that now, it seems comical, but like I said, I had just turned 13 at the time.
As time went on, I understood more and more what led up to this event, how New York rebuilt itself and what we were doing in retaliation. Although my levels of agreeing with each of those is varied, I at least began to see the reality of the situation. I can recall two events really solidifying the actuality of the event: the first, when the dust and ash settled, the Towers cleared away, what the same New York skyline I had been seeing my entire life now looked like: remember the tooth image? Think a perfect smile with the two front teeth missing. It looked so, so incomplete. The designs of what they had decided to do after that are still in motion, I think, but I remember in memorial they often lit two huge lightbeams from where the Towers would have stood, and that's always quite powerful. But seeing the skyline like this, suddenly every image I had seen or taken of the skyline before September 11 became so much more important because it was in a sense, complete. The second event was the first time I visited "ground zero" after September 11. It was some years after, maybe three or four, and I was taking the PATH train from I think Elizabeth? into NYC and our stop was the bottom of the Twin Towers. The memorial they had made in that ground below "ground zero" was stunning - it was kind of like a museum exhibit, with words on the walls, pictures, etc. It was kind of humbling to walk through that, it really made you think. I liked it too because people went about it with a sort of regularity. I guess that's a kind of New York City attitude - nothing is too shocking, you've been there, done that, etc. But I saw buisnessmen and the like shuffling about, going to work, stop and look, actively slow down their pace, even if for just a second, to see this exhibit type thing. That was nice. I am sure now people walk through it like anything else, if it's even still there, but at the time I found the slow pace of apprecaition somehow comforting.
I am lucky I didn't know anyone directly involved in the crashes. I knew people who had just avoided it or who knew others who had somehow been involved, but everyone I could think of was generally safe. That doesn't mean much though, because so many people WERE affected. Especially after the war started, which it took me about two years to realize was pretty far removed from September 11, and more people died, this became the cornerstone of my generation.
I will never forget September 11 and I hope none of you do, either. I know you won't.
On a much lighter note, which now seems almost absurd in comparison to what I have just written about, another thing that makes me think of NYC is the Spring/Summer 2010 Fashion Week happening now, September 10-17, 2009. I have seen some pictures and collections and it looks pretty inspiring. http://yvanrodic.blogspot.com/ is a good source of that.
It's good to see that the city doesn't shut down over this day, I just think there needs to be more of a balance between remembering and forgetting, if that's possible.
Alright. On that note, I am going now.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sorry for the lack of posts!
Hi, all,
Sorry I have been not posting on here too frequently. I have been absolutely obnoxiously busy every week since school started. I am taking this English honors seminar that requires a lot more time and attention than I really want it to. Take that however you want. This week has been especially difficult with me and I briefly considered going home for the weekend due to an especially sad event that I don't want to talk about here, but the $700 ticket was too much for me.
I also am an intern at this blog: www.tucsononthecheap.com, and I recommend checking it out, although if you're not in Tucson it won't be of much service for you. That is another activity, though, that takes up a huge majority of my time during the week.
I still haven't found a job, but I rather like it that way now that school has reared it's garish head once again.
I have been posting to my tumblr pretty frequently, though, if you are interested in checking out whatever I am into at the moment. I don't know really why you would, but people have asked, so here we are. Here is that website: www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com. Enjoy! I find it easier to post there daily because it's really based in images, which, I believe, need a lot less explaining than the ever-twisting and turning thought process that constitutes most of the posts in this blog.
However, of course I have reflected on some things and would like to share them now. Two weeks of silence is much too much for me.
In terms of major life: I really, really enjoy writing for my internship, and that is surprising because it is not at all based in liteary criticism and no attention to diction needs to paid, except to capture a reader's attention. Also, the people in my seminar have really made me realize how uninterested I am in pursuing Litearture forever, or in academia. I don't think ti was the right major for me to pick, since media is such a large part of my life, but whatever. I enjoy what I do for the most part, just all the work of this class is completely based in theory, which is not my strong suit. It won't ever be. I think I am a smart person, with coherent ideas and interesting things to say; I just can't easily grasp or summarize Foucault's underlying messages and simply don't care about what Lacan has to say. Theory is what it is, which means that the further you advance in the study of Lit, the more exposed you are to it. I don't like that. So it simply reaffirms my desire to not to go grad school.
Also, considering I have no experience with publishing, it's dumb to just assume that I'll enjoy it and be good at it. I plan on getting an internship with a press here in Tucson for the Spring, but I have to assess things as they are right here and now. What I like right now is this: blogging, images, fashion/media/editorial images especially and portraits. I know it is stupid for me to think I can become a photographer of anything special, but I want to make it more of a priority in my hobbies. That in itself pretty much sounds stupid, but with how structured my life and time has now become, I have to prioritize the things I want to do in my free time. I never thought it would come down to this, but, here we are.
So basically, I think I have sort of presupposed the post-grad worries of what to do in real life, because the longer I am left alone to decide, the more confused I get. I think that's pretty natural considering where I am in life right now.
Another thing that has come up is how much I miss London. If you look at my tumblr, you will see that. I really do miss the city a lot more than I thought I would, because towards the end there I was really ready to leave, but I miss the drama, the fashion of the city, its people, the accessibility to culture and the internationality of the entire place. I really am trying to negotiate some kind of return trip back, hopefully in March. I have several places and people to see in the city, and I really hope dear old Mikey and Jan have it in their hearts to help their unbearably broke child achieve her English dreams. I think it's funny how I always want to be wherever I am not at the moment, and it makes me sad sometimes because I feel like I should concentrate living on wherever I am at the present. I do, definitely, make a conscious effort to do that, even if it is only somewhat on the surface. On the other hand, I know I am not the only person like this. I think everyone is to an extent, and the reason my inability to settle down is because I haven't been in love for a long time. I feel as though I am constantly waiting for that, as well, and get super frustrated with many things considering, but whatever. I will try to make the best of where I am, but want to leave you with this image (taken from tumblr, credit is there) of where I miss the most right now. It beautifully synthesizes a lot of points in this post: inspiration through images, missing London, I hope one day to take photos like that.
With love.
Sorry I have been not posting on here too frequently. I have been absolutely obnoxiously busy every week since school started. I am taking this English honors seminar that requires a lot more time and attention than I really want it to. Take that however you want. This week has been especially difficult with me and I briefly considered going home for the weekend due to an especially sad event that I don't want to talk about here, but the $700 ticket was too much for me.
I also am an intern at this blog: www.tucsononthecheap.com, and I recommend checking it out, although if you're not in Tucson it won't be of much service for you. That is another activity, though, that takes up a huge majority of my time during the week.
I still haven't found a job, but I rather like it that way now that school has reared it's garish head once again.
I have been posting to my tumblr pretty frequently, though, if you are interested in checking out whatever I am into at the moment. I don't know really why you would, but people have asked, so here we are. Here is that website: www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com. Enjoy! I find it easier to post there daily because it's really based in images, which, I believe, need a lot less explaining than the ever-twisting and turning thought process that constitutes most of the posts in this blog.
However, of course I have reflected on some things and would like to share them now. Two weeks of silence is much too much for me.
In terms of major life: I really, really enjoy writing for my internship, and that is surprising because it is not at all based in liteary criticism and no attention to diction needs to paid, except to capture a reader's attention. Also, the people in my seminar have really made me realize how uninterested I am in pursuing Litearture forever, or in academia. I don't think ti was the right major for me to pick, since media is such a large part of my life, but whatever. I enjoy what I do for the most part, just all the work of this class is completely based in theory, which is not my strong suit. It won't ever be. I think I am a smart person, with coherent ideas and interesting things to say; I just can't easily grasp or summarize Foucault's underlying messages and simply don't care about what Lacan has to say. Theory is what it is, which means that the further you advance in the study of Lit, the more exposed you are to it. I don't like that. So it simply reaffirms my desire to not to go grad school.
Also, considering I have no experience with publishing, it's dumb to just assume that I'll enjoy it and be good at it. I plan on getting an internship with a press here in Tucson for the Spring, but I have to assess things as they are right here and now. What I like right now is this: blogging, images, fashion/media/editorial images especially and portraits. I know it is stupid for me to think I can become a photographer of anything special, but I want to make it more of a priority in my hobbies. That in itself pretty much sounds stupid, but with how structured my life and time has now become, I have to prioritize the things I want to do in my free time. I never thought it would come down to this, but, here we are.
So basically, I think I have sort of presupposed the post-grad worries of what to do in real life, because the longer I am left alone to decide, the more confused I get. I think that's pretty natural considering where I am in life right now.
Another thing that has come up is how much I miss London. If you look at my tumblr, you will see that. I really do miss the city a lot more than I thought I would, because towards the end there I was really ready to leave, but I miss the drama, the fashion of the city, its people, the accessibility to culture and the internationality of the entire place. I really am trying to negotiate some kind of return trip back, hopefully in March. I have several places and people to see in the city, and I really hope dear old Mikey and Jan have it in their hearts to help their unbearably broke child achieve her English dreams. I think it's funny how I always want to be wherever I am not at the moment, and it makes me sad sometimes because I feel like I should concentrate living on wherever I am at the present. I do, definitely, make a conscious effort to do that, even if it is only somewhat on the surface. On the other hand, I know I am not the only person like this. I think everyone is to an extent, and the reason my inability to settle down is because I haven't been in love for a long time. I feel as though I am constantly waiting for that, as well, and get super frustrated with many things considering, but whatever. I will try to make the best of where I am, but want to leave you with this image (taken from tumblr, credit is there) of where I miss the most right now. It beautifully synthesizes a lot of points in this post: inspiration through images, missing London, I hope one day to take photos like that.
With love.
Monday, August 24, 2009
I AM OLD.
I know a major theme of this blog and thus my life recently has been my fear of the future, but this past weekend, I think it realized its full potential.
I went back home to NJ for the wedding of my cousin Shannon and her boyfriend now husband! Mike. It was a BEAUTIFUL ceremony, everyone looked so genuinely happy and love was undeniably there. The wedding was of course fun and I had a good time, but given my new 21-year-old status (the bartender carded me, although it was an open bar..? leave it to NJ), my singleness and the fact that I was only home for the weekend because I had to start my classes for senior year today all made me realize just how old I really do feel.
I got back to Tucson last night and hung out with my roommates and my friends. It was fun too to just hang out, but today was the first day back at school. While I only had one class, Women in Literature, I just knew that the liberty and ease of the summer in Tucson is completely gone now. Since being in Tucson for the majority of the summer, it came as a shock to me to see all of the thousands of people on campus when I was. Everything is crowded, everyone is excited, there's that feeling. All my bars and cafes are crowded, the return of greek life and that annoying BS is undeniable and the bookstore is a madhouse. It's nuts to see how much this town changes with the population and re-population of the college, but my newfound love for Tucson I hope is here to stay, regardless.I noticed a lot of younger people, felt like I owned the place a little bit and realized that this really is the beginning of the end.
In my class, we had to write about an "apprentenceship," basically, something we were stressing about in starting something new in life. I had a few different things to write about, but since it was only a paragraph and I had to think quickly, I generalized and said that my apprentenceship is facing the threat of failure. For the first time ever, I really might fail. In the short-term, this can mean not completing my thesis or not graduating on time, although that seems safely far-fetched to me. In the long-term, it means not being able to find a job after graduation, no prospects in that regard and having to settle for either something I don't want to do for the short-term or attempting to go abroad again to teach English. I have been thinking of this a lot lately - graduation is ever-looming, and this threat of failure is so scary to me because this is the first time it's really real. I have been in school my whole life; that's what I know, what I'm good at. I always have had to only focus on what's next in terms of school. BUT, now I don't want to go to grad school, I'm almost through the system and need to depend on the skills I have somehow accumulated. I am not too entirely scared because I am no stranger to challenges and have proven to myself on a few different occasions that I can pretty much conquer anything I put my mind to and that standard rules don't always apply, so that is somewhat comforting, but again, this failure is now a legitimate consequence, and it will affect me much more than getting a bad grade or not getting a class I want.
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and I do apologize for the lack of updates. I am afraid it might continue though- I am starting my internship soon and also applied for a night job, we'll see what happens! Oh, and I didn't get the newspaper. Alas...the beat goes on.
I went back home to NJ for the wedding of my cousin Shannon and her boyfriend now husband! Mike. It was a BEAUTIFUL ceremony, everyone looked so genuinely happy and love was undeniably there. The wedding was of course fun and I had a good time, but given my new 21-year-old status (the bartender carded me, although it was an open bar..? leave it to NJ), my singleness and the fact that I was only home for the weekend because I had to start my classes for senior year today all made me realize just how old I really do feel.
I got back to Tucson last night and hung out with my roommates and my friends. It was fun too to just hang out, but today was the first day back at school. While I only had one class, Women in Literature, I just knew that the liberty and ease of the summer in Tucson is completely gone now. Since being in Tucson for the majority of the summer, it came as a shock to me to see all of the thousands of people on campus when I was. Everything is crowded, everyone is excited, there's that feeling. All my bars and cafes are crowded, the return of greek life and that annoying BS is undeniable and the bookstore is a madhouse. It's nuts to see how much this town changes with the population and re-population of the college, but my newfound love for Tucson I hope is here to stay, regardless.I noticed a lot of younger people, felt like I owned the place a little bit and realized that this really is the beginning of the end.
In my class, we had to write about an "apprentenceship," basically, something we were stressing about in starting something new in life. I had a few different things to write about, but since it was only a paragraph and I had to think quickly, I generalized and said that my apprentenceship is facing the threat of failure. For the first time ever, I really might fail. In the short-term, this can mean not completing my thesis or not graduating on time, although that seems safely far-fetched to me. In the long-term, it means not being able to find a job after graduation, no prospects in that regard and having to settle for either something I don't want to do for the short-term or attempting to go abroad again to teach English. I have been thinking of this a lot lately - graduation is ever-looming, and this threat of failure is so scary to me because this is the first time it's really real. I have been in school my whole life; that's what I know, what I'm good at. I always have had to only focus on what's next in terms of school. BUT, now I don't want to go to grad school, I'm almost through the system and need to depend on the skills I have somehow accumulated. I am not too entirely scared because I am no stranger to challenges and have proven to myself on a few different occasions that I can pretty much conquer anything I put my mind to and that standard rules don't always apply, so that is somewhat comforting, but again, this failure is now a legitimate consequence, and it will affect me much more than getting a bad grade or not getting a class I want.
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and I do apologize for the lack of updates. I am afraid it might continue though- I am starting my internship soon and also applied for a night job, we'll see what happens! Oh, and I didn't get the newspaper. Alas...the beat goes on.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
MTV ERA
Here is a piece I wrote to be considered for the Opinions desk of my school's newspaper concerning my generation and the media. I saw this image today on tumblr: 
that just summed up what I am trying to say oh so well. Credit to: No Cats on the Blog (http://72dotsperinch.blogspot.com/) for this perfect image.
Here is the piece:
I haven't heard back from the paper yet for Opinions, but I have heard from the Arts & Features desk, which is something I really want. I'll know by the end of tomorrow whether or not I get the job, so it's kinda scary but I am excited and happy to have experienced the process of this either way, whether I get it or not, because I think it will prepare me adequately for whatever career paths down which I choose to go.
Also, if you are interested in more of my take on the media in blog-snippet form, head on over to http://centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.
that just summed up what I am trying to say oh so well. Credit to: No Cats on the Blog (http://72dotsperinch.blogspot.com/) for this perfect image. Here is the piece:
MTV-Era’s Effects Run Deep
My generation: media-ridden, media-driven, life in bullet points, text/call/IM, constant updates, internet based, internet run, reality-TV, apathetic except in beliefs, in the present, slowly acceptant of the seemingly dismal future, a vague spirit of revolution, it’s all up for grabs.
While these are just bits and pieces of a characterization of my “MTV-Era” generation – because really, can one characterize an entire generation? – these qualities all come from the same place: the media’s dominant role in our lives. Quick, easy access to a breadth of information constantly at our fingertips has created the recognizable effect of people interested in exactly those things they are interested in and ignorant of everything else. This effect is inevitable considering the everyday bombardment of media, but the ignorance it creates has undeniably marked our generation. We are told our whole lives to be “well-rounded” individuals, but concerning American culture, how many people do you know could have equally stirring conversations about politics and entertainment? “Going green” and religion? Science and the economy?
When looking back at older generations, of parents and grandparents, it seems that their lives were not so regulated through the lens of the media. They didn’t know the minutiae of the wars, never saw the process of presidential debates and elections as in depth, were not so celebrity-obsessed and had more interest in what was happening in their lives. I know it’s easy to romanticize the past and I’m not suggesting life is better without the internet or the other aspects of our generation that make it the most technologically advanced. Instead, I want to emphasize that these things that construe our present can easily overpower our roles in defining it, which is a bad thing. Because at the end of the day, I want to be able to tell my kids and grandkids that I spent my time doing things I cared about and actively participated in my life, not that I spent three hours a day checking e-mail, facebook and twitter, two hours watching TV, one hour watching the news and spent my spare time shopping for products I saw advertised all day. Somehow these things because they have become necessary, but in the process there has been a loss of the “real”, things that “matter.”
Perhaps the most obvious “real” thing that our generation has changed is the quest for love. Dating websites are increasingly popular and successful and it’s no longer “weird” to explain that you met on the internet. Even our version of classifieds, the website craigslist, has an entire section dedicated to romance, beyond personals, including “missed connections” and “rants and raves.” Have we really become so far removed from human interaction?
Listen, I don’t have the answer. I’m not writing to make you feel bad about anything because I am just as entangled in this web as anyone else. Really, we are all guilty because we are simply by-products an atmosphere ingrained with media, telling us how to live, what to like, what to do, where to go and what to think about. In order for any sort of freedom from that power, this issue needs to be addressed more clearly than it ever has before. Perhaps the next time we log onto facebook we can decide to call or visit a friend, the next time we open our homepages we can enter “world events” into the searchbar, or the next time we’re watching TV and think, “Wow, this is so stupid,” we can actually turn it off instead of finish out the hour. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it became more difficult to stay grounded and interested in which directions our lives are headed, but here we are, and here’s hoping we start to fix it.
I haven't heard back from the paper yet for Opinions, but I have heard from the Arts & Features desk, which is something I really want. I'll know by the end of tomorrow whether or not I get the job, so it's kinda scary but I am excited and happy to have experienced the process of this either way, whether I get it or not, because I think it will prepare me adequately for whatever career paths down which I choose to go.
Also, if you are interested in more of my take on the media in blog-snippet form, head on over to http://centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Dream a little dream of me....
Hello faithful readers!
I want to post because I have been having really strange dreams lately and have no clue what they mean. The first strange dream was some weird series of events that culminated in me and two friends lying face-down in an abandoned warehouse in Sandy Hook, with Tupac about to shoot us. Right when he was about to pull the trigger, I suddenly saw myself having my own cooking show on the Food Network. It was a couple weeks ago and I thought nothing of it, but other strange dreams have happened that I'd like to share.
Around the same time as the Tupac-cooking dream, I dreamt that I was hanging around New Jersey, in a convienence store, I think, when two of my teeth just fell out. I freaked out, went to a dentist the next day and everything seemed to be okay. She worked on me, seemed really cool, etc. I went on my way. The next night, though, I was out with my mom and suddenly all my teeth fell out. Then I starting throwing up a stream of teeth. I wish I could somehow paint this or show it to you- it was nuts. I freaked out completely, went back to the dentist and although it was 10:30 pm, she was still open and working on many other people, all around my age. I showed her the teeth and then started throwing them up again. She said she didn't know what was going on, then I woke up. I have read that teeth falling out means something to do with gossip? I don't know. I have never had such a vivid image of this, it was so insane. There are a million little facets I would investigate here; I was never alone when the teeth fell out, the dentist was cool and worked on many other people my age so I was even more embarassed to throw up in front of them, where did all these teeth come from? And what have you...Needless to say, when I woke up, my whole jaw hurt because I had been seriously clenching my teeth.
Now for the weirdest of them all. Two nights ago, I dreamt that my brain was falling down my face.. I know that sounds strange. It was all within my head, though, no brain-guts oozing, just there was a serious medical problem that had to be addressed. I got myself to the doctor, and he told me there was going to be a scar, but he had to cut the top of my scalp off (like in Hannibal). In order to do so, he wasn't going to put me under anesthesia, instead opting to give me eye-drops that would paralyze my face/make me feel no pain/black out. I of course was very unhappy with this, because not only was it a cosmetic issue but also it seemed that he had too much control doing things this way. Regardless, I decided to let him go ahead because by this point my brain was behind my nasal cavity. He starts to put the drops in and one eye gets black way faster than the other. My left eye blacks out, my right eye is still cogniscent. I try to tell him what's going on, because now there seems to be a serious issue, me being the paranoid individual I am I start to think that he drugged only one eye, etc. I am paralyzed, though. Right when he's about to cut open my head, I wake up, legitimately momentarily paralyzed, gasping for air and unable to move my hands or legs. I know I was dehydrated when I went to bed, so that explains why I was literally gasping for air. But the paralysis- that's something more. I read about Night Terrors on Wikipedia, which isn't credible but whatever, and it said that usually the person wakes up without memory of a dream, just memory of the feeling. My sister has that a lot I feel like; every time we are forced to sleep together there is a high probability of her screaming. But that doesn't fit here, with me. I don't know why I was paralyzed, but it was so scary.
Sometimes I think my dreams are the results of the many weird short stories I am reading for my thesis, all gothic and having to do with some sort of deformation, but these dreams are so vivid that I think that can't be it. I am really a part of these dreams, I'm not just a witness. I don't know. I hope it gets better soon.
Another weird thing is that my hair has been falling out. I don't know if it always has- I mean, I have a lot of hair.. it's thick and I'm not balding, I'm just noticing that whenever I shower it's a lot more prone to fall out. It's kind of gross. I remember reading a long time ago that on average a high number of strands fall out everyday, I forget the exact number but I remember thinking it too high for real life, so I'm not exactly worried about this yet, I just think these things are all symptoms of something much bigger.
I am the most stressed out I have ever been right now. I think that's funny, considering bigger events, like the SATs, getting into college, enduring one terrible class, studying abroad or trying to figure out the liguistics of going to school 3,000 miles from home are much more tangible in their stress-causing realities. What I am most stressed about is the future, both short-term and long-term. I am really worried that I won't find a job in real life, which has been perpetuated by my ever-present rejection this summer with both jobs and internships. I also realize that Spring is my last opportunity now to do an internship, which sucks. I don't know why I didn't get one in the Summer.. well, it was because I was expatriate, but now that is coming back to bite me. If I don't get an internship for this Spring, I'm like an actress on Broadway who never performed before.. it's the necessary training wheels that I need, if only for my resume, and if that doesn't happen, how can I ever get a job doing something I want to do? I have had the worst bout of bad luck in recent memory, as I think I have detailed here, and I am sincerely hoping it turns itself around by Spring so I'm not completely fucked over. I feel like I'm a good person who works hard and tries to do the best I can, I am not a mean individual and never seek revenge, so I don't understand why I continue to be turned down in everything I decide I want. It goes beyond jobs, it applies to my personal life too. I am happy, I'm not saying I'm not happy, it's just I'm not the happiest I could be. I know what I need to do to fix it, but I also know that it's kind of too late to do so. I don't really feel like getting into this at legnth, but yeah.. I am so stressed about the future. I think my thesis will go well, I think classes will be okay, etc. But the real future, like what I do after I graduate, is way more in my face now than it ever was. I never really planned for it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I made my life more about the journey than the destination. Now, I can't decide if that's coming back to bite me in the ass, or if I can just blame things on "the economy."
As of now, all I can do is keep living my life. I know that the only way to face these huge problems is exactly that: to face them. I am no stranger to adversity and have faith in myself that I will be okay, that I will get an internship somewhere and that I will get a job doing something. I do have faith in that. It just is really scary right now, because for the first time, there is a real possibility of failure. I have never failed anything, ever. Well, besides the occasional physics or calc test. But never failed at life-stuff, and now I really might, if things don't get better. Perhaps I should just start being a moral superstar and my karma might reverse itself? I feel like I am not too far from that right now, though. I don't know why this bad luck has lasted this long, or where it came from, I just know it needs to be over so I can live my life...
I want to post because I have been having really strange dreams lately and have no clue what they mean. The first strange dream was some weird series of events that culminated in me and two friends lying face-down in an abandoned warehouse in Sandy Hook, with Tupac about to shoot us. Right when he was about to pull the trigger, I suddenly saw myself having my own cooking show on the Food Network. It was a couple weeks ago and I thought nothing of it, but other strange dreams have happened that I'd like to share.
Around the same time as the Tupac-cooking dream, I dreamt that I was hanging around New Jersey, in a convienence store, I think, when two of my teeth just fell out. I freaked out, went to a dentist the next day and everything seemed to be okay. She worked on me, seemed really cool, etc. I went on my way. The next night, though, I was out with my mom and suddenly all my teeth fell out. Then I starting throwing up a stream of teeth. I wish I could somehow paint this or show it to you- it was nuts. I freaked out completely, went back to the dentist and although it was 10:30 pm, she was still open and working on many other people, all around my age. I showed her the teeth and then started throwing them up again. She said she didn't know what was going on, then I woke up. I have read that teeth falling out means something to do with gossip? I don't know. I have never had such a vivid image of this, it was so insane. There are a million little facets I would investigate here; I was never alone when the teeth fell out, the dentist was cool and worked on many other people my age so I was even more embarassed to throw up in front of them, where did all these teeth come from? And what have you...Needless to say, when I woke up, my whole jaw hurt because I had been seriously clenching my teeth.
Now for the weirdest of them all. Two nights ago, I dreamt that my brain was falling down my face.. I know that sounds strange. It was all within my head, though, no brain-guts oozing, just there was a serious medical problem that had to be addressed. I got myself to the doctor, and he told me there was going to be a scar, but he had to cut the top of my scalp off (like in Hannibal). In order to do so, he wasn't going to put me under anesthesia, instead opting to give me eye-drops that would paralyze my face/make me feel no pain/black out. I of course was very unhappy with this, because not only was it a cosmetic issue but also it seemed that he had too much control doing things this way. Regardless, I decided to let him go ahead because by this point my brain was behind my nasal cavity. He starts to put the drops in and one eye gets black way faster than the other. My left eye blacks out, my right eye is still cogniscent. I try to tell him what's going on, because now there seems to be a serious issue, me being the paranoid individual I am I start to think that he drugged only one eye, etc. I am paralyzed, though. Right when he's about to cut open my head, I wake up, legitimately momentarily paralyzed, gasping for air and unable to move my hands or legs. I know I was dehydrated when I went to bed, so that explains why I was literally gasping for air. But the paralysis- that's something more. I read about Night Terrors on Wikipedia, which isn't credible but whatever, and it said that usually the person wakes up without memory of a dream, just memory of the feeling. My sister has that a lot I feel like; every time we are forced to sleep together there is a high probability of her screaming. But that doesn't fit here, with me. I don't know why I was paralyzed, but it was so scary.
Sometimes I think my dreams are the results of the many weird short stories I am reading for my thesis, all gothic and having to do with some sort of deformation, but these dreams are so vivid that I think that can't be it. I am really a part of these dreams, I'm not just a witness. I don't know. I hope it gets better soon.
Another weird thing is that my hair has been falling out. I don't know if it always has- I mean, I have a lot of hair.. it's thick and I'm not balding, I'm just noticing that whenever I shower it's a lot more prone to fall out. It's kind of gross. I remember reading a long time ago that on average a high number of strands fall out everyday, I forget the exact number but I remember thinking it too high for real life, so I'm not exactly worried about this yet, I just think these things are all symptoms of something much bigger.
I am the most stressed out I have ever been right now. I think that's funny, considering bigger events, like the SATs, getting into college, enduring one terrible class, studying abroad or trying to figure out the liguistics of going to school 3,000 miles from home are much more tangible in their stress-causing realities. What I am most stressed about is the future, both short-term and long-term. I am really worried that I won't find a job in real life, which has been perpetuated by my ever-present rejection this summer with both jobs and internships. I also realize that Spring is my last opportunity now to do an internship, which sucks. I don't know why I didn't get one in the Summer.. well, it was because I was expatriate, but now that is coming back to bite me. If I don't get an internship for this Spring, I'm like an actress on Broadway who never performed before.. it's the necessary training wheels that I need, if only for my resume, and if that doesn't happen, how can I ever get a job doing something I want to do? I have had the worst bout of bad luck in recent memory, as I think I have detailed here, and I am sincerely hoping it turns itself around by Spring so I'm not completely fucked over. I feel like I'm a good person who works hard and tries to do the best I can, I am not a mean individual and never seek revenge, so I don't understand why I continue to be turned down in everything I decide I want. It goes beyond jobs, it applies to my personal life too. I am happy, I'm not saying I'm not happy, it's just I'm not the happiest I could be. I know what I need to do to fix it, but I also know that it's kind of too late to do so. I don't really feel like getting into this at legnth, but yeah.. I am so stressed about the future. I think my thesis will go well, I think classes will be okay, etc. But the real future, like what I do after I graduate, is way more in my face now than it ever was. I never really planned for it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I made my life more about the journey than the destination. Now, I can't decide if that's coming back to bite me in the ass, or if I can just blame things on "the economy."
As of now, all I can do is keep living my life. I know that the only way to face these huge problems is exactly that: to face them. I am no stranger to adversity and have faith in myself that I will be okay, that I will get an internship somewhere and that I will get a job doing something. I do have faith in that. It just is really scary right now, because for the first time, there is a real possibility of failure. I have never failed anything, ever. Well, besides the occasional physics or calc test. But never failed at life-stuff, and now I really might, if things don't get better. Perhaps I should just start being a moral superstar and my karma might reverse itself? I feel like I am not too far from that right now, though. I don't know why this bad luck has lasted this long, or where it came from, I just know it needs to be over so I can live my life...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I have been rejected so many times....
....I almost want to give up for good.
I applied to another job today- this time, an internship I thought I would really get because it is with a company whose owner I am acquainted with. I sent in my crap today and the lady e-mailed me saying that she filled the positions in April, and that the deadline was April 30. Isn't that a bit early? I mean, perhaps I had waited too long to apply, but isn't April for Fall a bit early...? I feel like April for Summer is about right, but not for Fall? IDK. I am a bit put-off. Really, it's yet another time I have been rejected for a job I really thought I had a good chance of getting. This summer has been full of that, time after time, and I am getting so sick of it. I know I need to just try harder, I guess that's what it is? I will try that. I just don't understand how it's so difficult to get a job here. I mean, no, that's a lie, I do understand...it's the economy, it's the economy, it's the economy.
At this rate, maybe that book I always wanted to write about bums might be a bit closer to home than I had previously expected.
In other weird news, the Study Abroad and Student Exchange Office e-mailed me today thanking me for my participation in the buddy program, and gave me the name and e-mail of an exchange student. I wouldn't mind doing that, I actually think it'd be rewarding and interesting, but I never signed up for it. The e-mail was also addressed to "Christina," so it could be that it wasn't meant for me, but I feel like my e-mail address is too specific to confuse. I simply e-mailed the guy back, though, and said I'd be happy to do it but wanted to know how my name got involved, just because that might give me a better idea of how to work with this student.
UGH. I am so frustrated and this is only one layer of it. I really feel like I need a big life change, I wish I could place what it is. There are a lot of loose ties I want to make peace with or fix (see previous blog posts), and slowly that is happening. I am just feeling quite stagnant as of late in a lot of different respects of my life, and the ever-failing jobhunt simply serves to perpetuate it all.
Enough of the complaining. I am going to attempt to be productive, just had to get this out.
I applied to another job today- this time, an internship I thought I would really get because it is with a company whose owner I am acquainted with. I sent in my crap today and the lady e-mailed me saying that she filled the positions in April, and that the deadline was April 30. Isn't that a bit early? I mean, perhaps I had waited too long to apply, but isn't April for Fall a bit early...? I feel like April for Summer is about right, but not for Fall? IDK. I am a bit put-off. Really, it's yet another time I have been rejected for a job I really thought I had a good chance of getting. This summer has been full of that, time after time, and I am getting so sick of it. I know I need to just try harder, I guess that's what it is? I will try that. I just don't understand how it's so difficult to get a job here. I mean, no, that's a lie, I do understand...it's the economy, it's the economy, it's the economy.
At this rate, maybe that book I always wanted to write about bums might be a bit closer to home than I had previously expected.
In other weird news, the Study Abroad and Student Exchange Office e-mailed me today thanking me for my participation in the buddy program, and gave me the name and e-mail of an exchange student. I wouldn't mind doing that, I actually think it'd be rewarding and interesting, but I never signed up for it. The e-mail was also addressed to "Christina," so it could be that it wasn't meant for me, but I feel like my e-mail address is too specific to confuse. I simply e-mailed the guy back, though, and said I'd be happy to do it but wanted to know how my name got involved, just because that might give me a better idea of how to work with this student.
UGH. I am so frustrated and this is only one layer of it. I really feel like I need a big life change, I wish I could place what it is. There are a lot of loose ties I want to make peace with or fix (see previous blog posts), and slowly that is happening. I am just feeling quite stagnant as of late in a lot of different respects of my life, and the ever-failing jobhunt simply serves to perpetuate it all.
Enough of the complaining. I am going to attempt to be productive, just had to get this out.
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