How one thing can really be a spark for some legitimate thought?
I'll specify: I have a friend who studied abroad in London for the whole year, which I could not have done I don't think, and she was talking about her final days in the big smoke and got onto the subject of regret.
Regret. I have always been one of those people that made it a mission to "Live with no regrets."
And I don't think I have really failed on that, but I realize now how stupid it is to act like that. I have made a lot of mistakes growing up, as anyone does, but somehow shurgged off things I wish had gone differently, chalked it up to chance or plain ignored things if I didn't like the way they were headed, just so I wouldn't admit regret. But in retropsect, it stunted me to do that. It stunted me emotionally, it stunted me in terms of communicating to others what I need and want and it stunted my social skills. I feel like I'm through with trying to please everyone and getting caught up and honestly getting hurt because I don't want to regret something or start a fight. It has recently occurred to me that many of my friendships are rooted in the fact that just because I have been friends with the person so long, we continue to be friends, but I don't even really enjoy their company anymore and have not for years. I know how horrible that sounds and I know that I am incapable really of ever ending a friendship, but it's strange that I am cogniscent of it now.
I am not sure what has really enlightened me to this, except the fact that a few recent instances concerning a specific friend have made me realize that I wait around far too long and waste time in the process, but I feel like it's important for another reason altogether. I feel as though right now I am in the prime of understanding myself and making consequent life decisions. I feel stronger than I ever have before and empowered by this confidence, which all comes from the basic fact that I have realized that I am done living my life for other people in fear of regretting anything and enjoying the present. That has been my biggest regret of all, I think. Living for other people, I mean doing what others want me to, feeling obligated to everyone and everything and not taking certain chances and opportunities when they present themselves for fear of offending someone else, is what I slip into when I'm not conscious. It's in my nature I guess to please others, always has been. But the time has come now that I really don't care about a lot of other people, I see who has been important to me and who has not. I dont want to waste any more time living like this, but it's inevitable while at home. That is perhaps the closest thing I can provide as an explanation as to why I need to leave New Jersey. I like being so far away from everyone because it's a break. I don't exactly like mixing my worlds because of the small-town, deep-seeded animosities that surround this area and I don't think I want to come back here after I graduate. Again, I can't say where this is coming from really but I am pretty sure it's steadfast in its appearance. This is so enlightening to me and makes me more excited than I was when I left for London.
All this came from that fact that I finally realized I DO have regrets and that's okay. Not to have any means not really living fully enough to risk a signifcant amount of emotion vested into whatever endeavour that may indeed result in a regret. So yes, I am admitting I'm human. I can't list off my regrets here, but they are few and far between and I think I have pretty much learned my lesson.
I wish my laptop was not broken so I could put up some pictures recounting this past month of self-discovery, but alas.
Until next time.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Hello and Welcome
Hi!
I don't know who wants to read this. It will definitely not be as interesting as my abroad blog, but such is life. I created this because I am currently going through much apprehension about the future, both long- and short-term.
Long-term:
I never really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I know that sounds ridiculous, like how can someone not think about that? Well, my philosophy and doctrine of living my life required me to focus all attention on the present. For as long as I have been cogniscent, I've tried to put all energy towards living for the journey, not the destination. That means that I have had a lot of fun in my life and seen and experienced a hell of a lot more than the average 21-year-old, which I am so proud of because I did it all myself, for myself, and the interest in the world around me has become and remained unwavering. I am thankful for that. Really, I am. But I didn't spend the quintessential two years trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, didn't go to school for a degree that would make me money (English- could you have guessed?) and didn't think twice about it. I also believe that everything turns out okay in the end, and if it's not the end it's not okay. So I do think everything will work out for me, it's just a bit more frightening than usual because all of a sudden I am so OLD. I have never felt this old. But I have friends that are engaged or married, my parents are clearly getting older, my sister is in this kickass job, I have to write a thesis in the next nine months, I am graduating college next year, my best friend's little brother is graduating high school tomorrow, I just lived in London for six months, can enjoy 21-year-old life and have friends that are completely financially independent. It's so weird to me. I have always been the baby. I am the youngest in my family by six years so I always was the young one and now I'm not. I know that isn't any great big revelation, but it's slapping me in the face nonetheless.
This worry is basically perpetuated by the fact that this is the first summer in six years? perhaps seven, I have a terrible memory.. that I am not working. I usually work my ass off in the summer and live on it during the year, through various waitressing jobs. I also have no internship, which would apply given my academic status. The reason for both of these is because I came back from my semester abroad in London (http://tusewrlhr.blogspot.com if you are interested) a bit too late (June 3) for either. I applied for three internships abroad, but nothing panned out. I loaf around, on my parents' dime, and try to make the best of things. Luckily life isn't too hard and my parents can actually do this for me, I just feel so strange living off them again in all respects of my life. Another thing that marks this summer as strange is my lack of transportation. I have a car that has been shipped back-and-forth to Arizona since the second semester of my sophomore year, but due to lack of finances around Christmas this year and the fact that I was going to London, we left it in Tucson. All well and good, but now that I am back in New Jersey I have to share a car with my Mom, which works out fine usually but has yet another strange effect on my perceptions of the summer in general.
Perhaps the weirdest thing of all is that I am going back to Arizona in July. I don't find this as weird as I would have three years ago because I truly miss the people there and understand that it makes the most sense as I am paying rent for my apartment there, can work on my thesis in comfort, have my car there and can most likely find a job that I can keep through the year. I know it's the best choice. But it's the desert in the summer- some place I never thought I'd be. My roommate and I talk about it a lot; we both said we'd never stay the summer, and she has been there and will leave a few days after I get back, but only for a few weeks. It's like part of my home and my life is in Arizona, which I honestly never foresaw coming. It's not that I hated the place, it just wasn't the home I'm used to.
But being abroad and gone and always traveling for so long has really challenged my notions of home. I mean I know where my home is- I am sitting here right now. I know where my roots lie and where my parents are from and what my friends are doing et cetera et cetera, but this is the first time this really doesn't feel like home anymore. I can't even explain why fully, it's just so strange. Like the food isn't my food, the activities are not what I want to be doing, my parents have such a slow-paced life in comparison to what I am used to and while I have my friends here, (thank God!) I feel like I have less and less in common with everyone here. I want to be in a bigger city than this. I want to experience more of life than what lies here. And I always have- I have always wanted to spread my wings and get away, which explains my choice to attend University in Arizona and study abroad in London, both without knowing another soul doing the same thing. I survived both, made great friends with both and am altogether so happy I did both. But after living like that, it's hard to come back to this. It's comforting, yes, but it isn't what I want or necessarily need. I don't think Tucson is the answer either, though. The bottom line remains that I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what will give it to me or even clue me into it either. I think it might end up having very much to do with the great love of my life, but also hate to stake all hope in such romantic and honestly uncharacteristic of me thoughts.
I am going to use this as a place to bounce around ideas. Because I am a bit more stressed than I thought I was about all of this upcoming in the next year. And then again, I try to remember that I am only 21 and as confused as I am I am also sure that there are others out there a lot less equipped than me, which is comforting but irrelevant.
Christy moves on, or at least tries to, from the armchair of dear old 6 Judith.
I don't know who wants to read this. It will definitely not be as interesting as my abroad blog, but such is life. I created this because I am currently going through much apprehension about the future, both long- and short-term.
Long-term:
I never really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I know that sounds ridiculous, like how can someone not think about that? Well, my philosophy and doctrine of living my life required me to focus all attention on the present. For as long as I have been cogniscent, I've tried to put all energy towards living for the journey, not the destination. That means that I have had a lot of fun in my life and seen and experienced a hell of a lot more than the average 21-year-old, which I am so proud of because I did it all myself, for myself, and the interest in the world around me has become and remained unwavering. I am thankful for that. Really, I am. But I didn't spend the quintessential two years trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, didn't go to school for a degree that would make me money (English- could you have guessed?) and didn't think twice about it. I also believe that everything turns out okay in the end, and if it's not the end it's not okay. So I do think everything will work out for me, it's just a bit more frightening than usual because all of a sudden I am so OLD. I have never felt this old. But I have friends that are engaged or married, my parents are clearly getting older, my sister is in this kickass job, I have to write a thesis in the next nine months, I am graduating college next year, my best friend's little brother is graduating high school tomorrow, I just lived in London for six months, can enjoy 21-year-old life and have friends that are completely financially independent. It's so weird to me. I have always been the baby. I am the youngest in my family by six years so I always was the young one and now I'm not. I know that isn't any great big revelation, but it's slapping me in the face nonetheless.
This worry is basically perpetuated by the fact that this is the first summer in six years? perhaps seven, I have a terrible memory.. that I am not working. I usually work my ass off in the summer and live on it during the year, through various waitressing jobs. I also have no internship, which would apply given my academic status. The reason for both of these is because I came back from my semester abroad in London (http://tusewrlhr.blogspot.com if you are interested) a bit too late (June 3) for either. I applied for three internships abroad, but nothing panned out. I loaf around, on my parents' dime, and try to make the best of things. Luckily life isn't too hard and my parents can actually do this for me, I just feel so strange living off them again in all respects of my life. Another thing that marks this summer as strange is my lack of transportation. I have a car that has been shipped back-and-forth to Arizona since the second semester of my sophomore year, but due to lack of finances around Christmas this year and the fact that I was going to London, we left it in Tucson. All well and good, but now that I am back in New Jersey I have to share a car with my Mom, which works out fine usually but has yet another strange effect on my perceptions of the summer in general.
Perhaps the weirdest thing of all is that I am going back to Arizona in July. I don't find this as weird as I would have three years ago because I truly miss the people there and understand that it makes the most sense as I am paying rent for my apartment there, can work on my thesis in comfort, have my car there and can most likely find a job that I can keep through the year. I know it's the best choice. But it's the desert in the summer- some place I never thought I'd be. My roommate and I talk about it a lot; we both said we'd never stay the summer, and she has been there and will leave a few days after I get back, but only for a few weeks. It's like part of my home and my life is in Arizona, which I honestly never foresaw coming. It's not that I hated the place, it just wasn't the home I'm used to.
But being abroad and gone and always traveling for so long has really challenged my notions of home. I mean I know where my home is- I am sitting here right now. I know where my roots lie and where my parents are from and what my friends are doing et cetera et cetera, but this is the first time this really doesn't feel like home anymore. I can't even explain why fully, it's just so strange. Like the food isn't my food, the activities are not what I want to be doing, my parents have such a slow-paced life in comparison to what I am used to and while I have my friends here, (thank God!) I feel like I have less and less in common with everyone here. I want to be in a bigger city than this. I want to experience more of life than what lies here. And I always have- I have always wanted to spread my wings and get away, which explains my choice to attend University in Arizona and study abroad in London, both without knowing another soul doing the same thing. I survived both, made great friends with both and am altogether so happy I did both. But after living like that, it's hard to come back to this. It's comforting, yes, but it isn't what I want or necessarily need. I don't think Tucson is the answer either, though. The bottom line remains that I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what will give it to me or even clue me into it either. I think it might end up having very much to do with the great love of my life, but also hate to stake all hope in such romantic and honestly uncharacteristic of me thoughts.
I am going to use this as a place to bounce around ideas. Because I am a bit more stressed than I thought I was about all of this upcoming in the next year. And then again, I try to remember that I am only 21 and as confused as I am I am also sure that there are others out there a lot less equipped than me, which is comforting but irrelevant.
Christy moves on, or at least tries to, from the armchair of dear old 6 Judith.
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