Liberty in a college kid's eyes.

Today I stubbed my toe so badly that the nail cracked, it hurts like hell hours after the fact, and I'm pouring Hydrogen Peroxide all over this puppy and it just stings and stings and stings.

But, I'm actually not that bothered by it. I am kind of glad, it's reminding me that I'm alive. I know how stupid/corny/weird that sounds, but recently I've been pretty sick and daily life has become a pretty serious repetition of schedule, monotony, boredom, etc. But this definitely reminded me that I still bleed when I get cut, I still am clumsy, I still am existent in this world and I still can shake things up whether I mean to or not.

My life has changed in a big way since I last wrote. I feel as though now I am completely mature - there was only one thing holding me back and that got taken care of about a week ago, so now I feel truly adult. I am excited. I also have decided that as much as I stress about the future and try to plan for it, nothing is set in stone and my chances of getting anything I want are probably just as good, if not better, if I do not plan or stress. I have focused on living my life in the present, as it were. I know that's also pretty corny, but that idea used to be a governing thought in whatever you might call my philosophy and got completely lost once I got back from London and was slapped in the face with the real world. That slap still stings- it's unignorable no longer, which is both good and bad. I used to focus on the present as a way to ignore the future, but now it's changed as a way to deal with the future. I know that come May, life will be changed forever. More than half of my friends will be in the West. I will, unless somehow get a job, be moving back to NJ and trying to score a job in Manhattan. I think that's what I have wanted all along. Two other interesting possibilities are: take a temporary job in a city that fascinates me, like San Fransisco, work there for however long whilst searching for what I really want to do OR teach English in either Buenos Aires or Spain. I looked into programs for teaching English abroad and in most of them you have to pay, I think to get certified, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I clearly need to look into that more, and will when schoolwork isn't of utmost concern, so probably winter break? That is something to look forward to. I just want to travel again and hopefully become fluent, finally.

Keeping grounded in the present, though, I must admit I have been feeling pretty unmotivated by school. I know that's nothing new, but usually for as much as I complain I still somewhere enjoy the work and that's why I do well. But for the last couple papers I've written and tests I've taken, I've been really blase towards the end result. I did really well on one test, and recieve word about a paper I wrote in that attitude on Monday. This one matters - it's for the Honors program - and I guess I'm stressing it, as dumb as that sounds, but I think the issue here lies more in the fact that I know I could have done better and just didn't. It's like in Top Chef when the chefs make not their absolute best dishes and know they're going home as a result. I don't want that to be me. I want to wow the judges! LOLZ..corniness is rampant today, huh.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. I think it's that since becoming truly mature, I have made peace with the uncertainty of the future. I know I won't fail now. There is no danger, only things to look forward to. I am going to look at the rest of this year as an adventure. I know I'll survive, hell even do well, and am actually excited for what's to come. I dread nothing now. This is true liberation.