I know a major theme of this blog and thus my life recently has been my fear of the future, but this past weekend, I think it realized its full potential.
I went back home to NJ for the wedding of my cousin Shannon and her boyfriend now husband! Mike. It was a BEAUTIFUL ceremony, everyone looked so genuinely happy and love was undeniably there. The wedding was of course fun and I had a good time, but given my new 21-year-old status (the bartender carded me, although it was an open bar..? leave it to NJ), my singleness and the fact that I was only home for the weekend because I had to start my classes for senior year today all made me realize just how old I really do feel.
I got back to Tucson last night and hung out with my roommates and my friends. It was fun too to just hang out, but today was the first day back at school. While I only had one class, Women in Literature, I just knew that the liberty and ease of the summer in Tucson is completely gone now. Since being in Tucson for the majority of the summer, it came as a shock to me to see all of the thousands of people on campus when I was. Everything is crowded, everyone is excited, there's that feeling. All my bars and cafes are crowded, the return of greek life and that annoying BS is undeniable and the bookstore is a madhouse. It's nuts to see how much this town changes with the population and re-population of the college, but my newfound love for Tucson I hope is here to stay, regardless.I noticed a lot of younger people, felt like I owned the place a little bit and realized that this really is the beginning of the end.
In my class, we had to write about an "apprentenceship," basically, something we were stressing about in starting something new in life. I had a few different things to write about, but since it was only a paragraph and I had to think quickly, I generalized and said that my apprentenceship is facing the threat of failure. For the first time ever, I really might fail. In the short-term, this can mean not completing my thesis or not graduating on time, although that seems safely far-fetched to me. In the long-term, it means not being able to find a job after graduation, no prospects in that regard and having to settle for either something I don't want to do for the short-term or attempting to go abroad again to teach English. I have been thinking of this a lot lately - graduation is ever-looming, and this threat of failure is so scary to me because this is the first time it's really real. I have been in school my whole life; that's what I know, what I'm good at. I always have had to only focus on what's next in terms of school. BUT, now I don't want to go to grad school, I'm almost through the system and need to depend on the skills I have somehow accumulated. I am not too entirely scared because I am no stranger to challenges and have proven to myself on a few different occasions that I can pretty much conquer anything I put my mind to and that standard rules don't always apply, so that is somewhat comforting, but again, this failure is now a legitimate consequence, and it will affect me much more than getting a bad grade or not getting a class I want.
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and I do apologize for the lack of updates. I am afraid it might continue though- I am starting my internship soon and also applied for a night job, we'll see what happens! Oh, and I didn't get the newspaper. Alas...the beat goes on.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
MTV ERA
Here is a piece I wrote to be considered for the Opinions desk of my school's newspaper concerning my generation and the media. I saw this image today on tumblr: 
that just summed up what I am trying to say oh so well. Credit to: No Cats on the Blog (http://72dotsperinch.blogspot.com/) for this perfect image.
Here is the piece:
I haven't heard back from the paper yet for Opinions, but I have heard from the Arts & Features desk, which is something I really want. I'll know by the end of tomorrow whether or not I get the job, so it's kinda scary but I am excited and happy to have experienced the process of this either way, whether I get it or not, because I think it will prepare me adequately for whatever career paths down which I choose to go.
Also, if you are interested in more of my take on the media in blog-snippet form, head on over to http://centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.
that just summed up what I am trying to say oh so well. Credit to: No Cats on the Blog (http://72dotsperinch.blogspot.com/) for this perfect image. Here is the piece:
MTV-Era’s Effects Run Deep
My generation: media-ridden, media-driven, life in bullet points, text/call/IM, constant updates, internet based, internet run, reality-TV, apathetic except in beliefs, in the present, slowly acceptant of the seemingly dismal future, a vague spirit of revolution, it’s all up for grabs.
While these are just bits and pieces of a characterization of my “MTV-Era” generation – because really, can one characterize an entire generation? – these qualities all come from the same place: the media’s dominant role in our lives. Quick, easy access to a breadth of information constantly at our fingertips has created the recognizable effect of people interested in exactly those things they are interested in and ignorant of everything else. This effect is inevitable considering the everyday bombardment of media, but the ignorance it creates has undeniably marked our generation. We are told our whole lives to be “well-rounded” individuals, but concerning American culture, how many people do you know could have equally stirring conversations about politics and entertainment? “Going green” and religion? Science and the economy?
When looking back at older generations, of parents and grandparents, it seems that their lives were not so regulated through the lens of the media. They didn’t know the minutiae of the wars, never saw the process of presidential debates and elections as in depth, were not so celebrity-obsessed and had more interest in what was happening in their lives. I know it’s easy to romanticize the past and I’m not suggesting life is better without the internet or the other aspects of our generation that make it the most technologically advanced. Instead, I want to emphasize that these things that construe our present can easily overpower our roles in defining it, which is a bad thing. Because at the end of the day, I want to be able to tell my kids and grandkids that I spent my time doing things I cared about and actively participated in my life, not that I spent three hours a day checking e-mail, facebook and twitter, two hours watching TV, one hour watching the news and spent my spare time shopping for products I saw advertised all day. Somehow these things because they have become necessary, but in the process there has been a loss of the “real”, things that “matter.”
Perhaps the most obvious “real” thing that our generation has changed is the quest for love. Dating websites are increasingly popular and successful and it’s no longer “weird” to explain that you met on the internet. Even our version of classifieds, the website craigslist, has an entire section dedicated to romance, beyond personals, including “missed connections” and “rants and raves.” Have we really become so far removed from human interaction?
Listen, I don’t have the answer. I’m not writing to make you feel bad about anything because I am just as entangled in this web as anyone else. Really, we are all guilty because we are simply by-products an atmosphere ingrained with media, telling us how to live, what to like, what to do, where to go and what to think about. In order for any sort of freedom from that power, this issue needs to be addressed more clearly than it ever has before. Perhaps the next time we log onto facebook we can decide to call or visit a friend, the next time we open our homepages we can enter “world events” into the searchbar, or the next time we’re watching TV and think, “Wow, this is so stupid,” we can actually turn it off instead of finish out the hour. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it became more difficult to stay grounded and interested in which directions our lives are headed, but here we are, and here’s hoping we start to fix it.
I haven't heard back from the paper yet for Opinions, but I have heard from the Arts & Features desk, which is something I really want. I'll know by the end of tomorrow whether or not I get the job, so it's kinda scary but I am excited and happy to have experienced the process of this either way, whether I get it or not, because I think it will prepare me adequately for whatever career paths down which I choose to go.
Also, if you are interested in more of my take on the media in blog-snippet form, head on over to http://centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Dream a little dream of me....
Hello faithful readers!
I want to post because I have been having really strange dreams lately and have no clue what they mean. The first strange dream was some weird series of events that culminated in me and two friends lying face-down in an abandoned warehouse in Sandy Hook, with Tupac about to shoot us. Right when he was about to pull the trigger, I suddenly saw myself having my own cooking show on the Food Network. It was a couple weeks ago and I thought nothing of it, but other strange dreams have happened that I'd like to share.
Around the same time as the Tupac-cooking dream, I dreamt that I was hanging around New Jersey, in a convienence store, I think, when two of my teeth just fell out. I freaked out, went to a dentist the next day and everything seemed to be okay. She worked on me, seemed really cool, etc. I went on my way. The next night, though, I was out with my mom and suddenly all my teeth fell out. Then I starting throwing up a stream of teeth. I wish I could somehow paint this or show it to you- it was nuts. I freaked out completely, went back to the dentist and although it was 10:30 pm, she was still open and working on many other people, all around my age. I showed her the teeth and then started throwing them up again. She said she didn't know what was going on, then I woke up. I have read that teeth falling out means something to do with gossip? I don't know. I have never had such a vivid image of this, it was so insane. There are a million little facets I would investigate here; I was never alone when the teeth fell out, the dentist was cool and worked on many other people my age so I was even more embarassed to throw up in front of them, where did all these teeth come from? And what have you...Needless to say, when I woke up, my whole jaw hurt because I had been seriously clenching my teeth.
Now for the weirdest of them all. Two nights ago, I dreamt that my brain was falling down my face.. I know that sounds strange. It was all within my head, though, no brain-guts oozing, just there was a serious medical problem that had to be addressed. I got myself to the doctor, and he told me there was going to be a scar, but he had to cut the top of my scalp off (like in Hannibal). In order to do so, he wasn't going to put me under anesthesia, instead opting to give me eye-drops that would paralyze my face/make me feel no pain/black out. I of course was very unhappy with this, because not only was it a cosmetic issue but also it seemed that he had too much control doing things this way. Regardless, I decided to let him go ahead because by this point my brain was behind my nasal cavity. He starts to put the drops in and one eye gets black way faster than the other. My left eye blacks out, my right eye is still cogniscent. I try to tell him what's going on, because now there seems to be a serious issue, me being the paranoid individual I am I start to think that he drugged only one eye, etc. I am paralyzed, though. Right when he's about to cut open my head, I wake up, legitimately momentarily paralyzed, gasping for air and unable to move my hands or legs. I know I was dehydrated when I went to bed, so that explains why I was literally gasping for air. But the paralysis- that's something more. I read about Night Terrors on Wikipedia, which isn't credible but whatever, and it said that usually the person wakes up without memory of a dream, just memory of the feeling. My sister has that a lot I feel like; every time we are forced to sleep together there is a high probability of her screaming. But that doesn't fit here, with me. I don't know why I was paralyzed, but it was so scary.
Sometimes I think my dreams are the results of the many weird short stories I am reading for my thesis, all gothic and having to do with some sort of deformation, but these dreams are so vivid that I think that can't be it. I am really a part of these dreams, I'm not just a witness. I don't know. I hope it gets better soon.
Another weird thing is that my hair has been falling out. I don't know if it always has- I mean, I have a lot of hair.. it's thick and I'm not balding, I'm just noticing that whenever I shower it's a lot more prone to fall out. It's kind of gross. I remember reading a long time ago that on average a high number of strands fall out everyday, I forget the exact number but I remember thinking it too high for real life, so I'm not exactly worried about this yet, I just think these things are all symptoms of something much bigger.
I am the most stressed out I have ever been right now. I think that's funny, considering bigger events, like the SATs, getting into college, enduring one terrible class, studying abroad or trying to figure out the liguistics of going to school 3,000 miles from home are much more tangible in their stress-causing realities. What I am most stressed about is the future, both short-term and long-term. I am really worried that I won't find a job in real life, which has been perpetuated by my ever-present rejection this summer with both jobs and internships. I also realize that Spring is my last opportunity now to do an internship, which sucks. I don't know why I didn't get one in the Summer.. well, it was because I was expatriate, but now that is coming back to bite me. If I don't get an internship for this Spring, I'm like an actress on Broadway who never performed before.. it's the necessary training wheels that I need, if only for my resume, and if that doesn't happen, how can I ever get a job doing something I want to do? I have had the worst bout of bad luck in recent memory, as I think I have detailed here, and I am sincerely hoping it turns itself around by Spring so I'm not completely fucked over. I feel like I'm a good person who works hard and tries to do the best I can, I am not a mean individual and never seek revenge, so I don't understand why I continue to be turned down in everything I decide I want. It goes beyond jobs, it applies to my personal life too. I am happy, I'm not saying I'm not happy, it's just I'm not the happiest I could be. I know what I need to do to fix it, but I also know that it's kind of too late to do so. I don't really feel like getting into this at legnth, but yeah.. I am so stressed about the future. I think my thesis will go well, I think classes will be okay, etc. But the real future, like what I do after I graduate, is way more in my face now than it ever was. I never really planned for it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I made my life more about the journey than the destination. Now, I can't decide if that's coming back to bite me in the ass, or if I can just blame things on "the economy."
As of now, all I can do is keep living my life. I know that the only way to face these huge problems is exactly that: to face them. I am no stranger to adversity and have faith in myself that I will be okay, that I will get an internship somewhere and that I will get a job doing something. I do have faith in that. It just is really scary right now, because for the first time, there is a real possibility of failure. I have never failed anything, ever. Well, besides the occasional physics or calc test. But never failed at life-stuff, and now I really might, if things don't get better. Perhaps I should just start being a moral superstar and my karma might reverse itself? I feel like I am not too far from that right now, though. I don't know why this bad luck has lasted this long, or where it came from, I just know it needs to be over so I can live my life...
I want to post because I have been having really strange dreams lately and have no clue what they mean. The first strange dream was some weird series of events that culminated in me and two friends lying face-down in an abandoned warehouse in Sandy Hook, with Tupac about to shoot us. Right when he was about to pull the trigger, I suddenly saw myself having my own cooking show on the Food Network. It was a couple weeks ago and I thought nothing of it, but other strange dreams have happened that I'd like to share.
Around the same time as the Tupac-cooking dream, I dreamt that I was hanging around New Jersey, in a convienence store, I think, when two of my teeth just fell out. I freaked out, went to a dentist the next day and everything seemed to be okay. She worked on me, seemed really cool, etc. I went on my way. The next night, though, I was out with my mom and suddenly all my teeth fell out. Then I starting throwing up a stream of teeth. I wish I could somehow paint this or show it to you- it was nuts. I freaked out completely, went back to the dentist and although it was 10:30 pm, she was still open and working on many other people, all around my age. I showed her the teeth and then started throwing them up again. She said she didn't know what was going on, then I woke up. I have read that teeth falling out means something to do with gossip? I don't know. I have never had such a vivid image of this, it was so insane. There are a million little facets I would investigate here; I was never alone when the teeth fell out, the dentist was cool and worked on many other people my age so I was even more embarassed to throw up in front of them, where did all these teeth come from? And what have you...Needless to say, when I woke up, my whole jaw hurt because I had been seriously clenching my teeth.
Now for the weirdest of them all. Two nights ago, I dreamt that my brain was falling down my face.. I know that sounds strange. It was all within my head, though, no brain-guts oozing, just there was a serious medical problem that had to be addressed. I got myself to the doctor, and he told me there was going to be a scar, but he had to cut the top of my scalp off (like in Hannibal). In order to do so, he wasn't going to put me under anesthesia, instead opting to give me eye-drops that would paralyze my face/make me feel no pain/black out. I of course was very unhappy with this, because not only was it a cosmetic issue but also it seemed that he had too much control doing things this way. Regardless, I decided to let him go ahead because by this point my brain was behind my nasal cavity. He starts to put the drops in and one eye gets black way faster than the other. My left eye blacks out, my right eye is still cogniscent. I try to tell him what's going on, because now there seems to be a serious issue, me being the paranoid individual I am I start to think that he drugged only one eye, etc. I am paralyzed, though. Right when he's about to cut open my head, I wake up, legitimately momentarily paralyzed, gasping for air and unable to move my hands or legs. I know I was dehydrated when I went to bed, so that explains why I was literally gasping for air. But the paralysis- that's something more. I read about Night Terrors on Wikipedia, which isn't credible but whatever, and it said that usually the person wakes up without memory of a dream, just memory of the feeling. My sister has that a lot I feel like; every time we are forced to sleep together there is a high probability of her screaming. But that doesn't fit here, with me. I don't know why I was paralyzed, but it was so scary.
Sometimes I think my dreams are the results of the many weird short stories I am reading for my thesis, all gothic and having to do with some sort of deformation, but these dreams are so vivid that I think that can't be it. I am really a part of these dreams, I'm not just a witness. I don't know. I hope it gets better soon.
Another weird thing is that my hair has been falling out. I don't know if it always has- I mean, I have a lot of hair.. it's thick and I'm not balding, I'm just noticing that whenever I shower it's a lot more prone to fall out. It's kind of gross. I remember reading a long time ago that on average a high number of strands fall out everyday, I forget the exact number but I remember thinking it too high for real life, so I'm not exactly worried about this yet, I just think these things are all symptoms of something much bigger.
I am the most stressed out I have ever been right now. I think that's funny, considering bigger events, like the SATs, getting into college, enduring one terrible class, studying abroad or trying to figure out the liguistics of going to school 3,000 miles from home are much more tangible in their stress-causing realities. What I am most stressed about is the future, both short-term and long-term. I am really worried that I won't find a job in real life, which has been perpetuated by my ever-present rejection this summer with both jobs and internships. I also realize that Spring is my last opportunity now to do an internship, which sucks. I don't know why I didn't get one in the Summer.. well, it was because I was expatriate, but now that is coming back to bite me. If I don't get an internship for this Spring, I'm like an actress on Broadway who never performed before.. it's the necessary training wheels that I need, if only for my resume, and if that doesn't happen, how can I ever get a job doing something I want to do? I have had the worst bout of bad luck in recent memory, as I think I have detailed here, and I am sincerely hoping it turns itself around by Spring so I'm not completely fucked over. I feel like I'm a good person who works hard and tries to do the best I can, I am not a mean individual and never seek revenge, so I don't understand why I continue to be turned down in everything I decide I want. It goes beyond jobs, it applies to my personal life too. I am happy, I'm not saying I'm not happy, it's just I'm not the happiest I could be. I know what I need to do to fix it, but I also know that it's kind of too late to do so. I don't really feel like getting into this at legnth, but yeah.. I am so stressed about the future. I think my thesis will go well, I think classes will be okay, etc. But the real future, like what I do after I graduate, is way more in my face now than it ever was. I never really planned for it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I made my life more about the journey than the destination. Now, I can't decide if that's coming back to bite me in the ass, or if I can just blame things on "the economy."
As of now, all I can do is keep living my life. I know that the only way to face these huge problems is exactly that: to face them. I am no stranger to adversity and have faith in myself that I will be okay, that I will get an internship somewhere and that I will get a job doing something. I do have faith in that. It just is really scary right now, because for the first time, there is a real possibility of failure. I have never failed anything, ever. Well, besides the occasional physics or calc test. But never failed at life-stuff, and now I really might, if things don't get better. Perhaps I should just start being a moral superstar and my karma might reverse itself? I feel like I am not too far from that right now, though. I don't know why this bad luck has lasted this long, or where it came from, I just know it needs to be over so I can live my life...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I have been rejected so many times....
....I almost want to give up for good.
I applied to another job today- this time, an internship I thought I would really get because it is with a company whose owner I am acquainted with. I sent in my crap today and the lady e-mailed me saying that she filled the positions in April, and that the deadline was April 30. Isn't that a bit early? I mean, perhaps I had waited too long to apply, but isn't April for Fall a bit early...? I feel like April for Summer is about right, but not for Fall? IDK. I am a bit put-off. Really, it's yet another time I have been rejected for a job I really thought I had a good chance of getting. This summer has been full of that, time after time, and I am getting so sick of it. I know I need to just try harder, I guess that's what it is? I will try that. I just don't understand how it's so difficult to get a job here. I mean, no, that's a lie, I do understand...it's the economy, it's the economy, it's the economy.
At this rate, maybe that book I always wanted to write about bums might be a bit closer to home than I had previously expected.
In other weird news, the Study Abroad and Student Exchange Office e-mailed me today thanking me for my participation in the buddy program, and gave me the name and e-mail of an exchange student. I wouldn't mind doing that, I actually think it'd be rewarding and interesting, but I never signed up for it. The e-mail was also addressed to "Christina," so it could be that it wasn't meant for me, but I feel like my e-mail address is too specific to confuse. I simply e-mailed the guy back, though, and said I'd be happy to do it but wanted to know how my name got involved, just because that might give me a better idea of how to work with this student.
UGH. I am so frustrated and this is only one layer of it. I really feel like I need a big life change, I wish I could place what it is. There are a lot of loose ties I want to make peace with or fix (see previous blog posts), and slowly that is happening. I am just feeling quite stagnant as of late in a lot of different respects of my life, and the ever-failing jobhunt simply serves to perpetuate it all.
Enough of the complaining. I am going to attempt to be productive, just had to get this out.
I applied to another job today- this time, an internship I thought I would really get because it is with a company whose owner I am acquainted with. I sent in my crap today and the lady e-mailed me saying that she filled the positions in April, and that the deadline was April 30. Isn't that a bit early? I mean, perhaps I had waited too long to apply, but isn't April for Fall a bit early...? I feel like April for Summer is about right, but not for Fall? IDK. I am a bit put-off. Really, it's yet another time I have been rejected for a job I really thought I had a good chance of getting. This summer has been full of that, time after time, and I am getting so sick of it. I know I need to just try harder, I guess that's what it is? I will try that. I just don't understand how it's so difficult to get a job here. I mean, no, that's a lie, I do understand...it's the economy, it's the economy, it's the economy.
At this rate, maybe that book I always wanted to write about bums might be a bit closer to home than I had previously expected.
In other weird news, the Study Abroad and Student Exchange Office e-mailed me today thanking me for my participation in the buddy program, and gave me the name and e-mail of an exchange student. I wouldn't mind doing that, I actually think it'd be rewarding and interesting, but I never signed up for it. The e-mail was also addressed to "Christina," so it could be that it wasn't meant for me, but I feel like my e-mail address is too specific to confuse. I simply e-mailed the guy back, though, and said I'd be happy to do it but wanted to know how my name got involved, just because that might give me a better idea of how to work with this student.
UGH. I am so frustrated and this is only one layer of it. I really feel like I need a big life change, I wish I could place what it is. There are a lot of loose ties I want to make peace with or fix (see previous blog posts), and slowly that is happening. I am just feeling quite stagnant as of late in a lot of different respects of my life, and the ever-failing jobhunt simply serves to perpetuate it all.
Enough of the complaining. I am going to attempt to be productive, just had to get this out.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
HOW IS IT ALREADY AUGUST?!
I can't believe how fast the time is going! Which is really surprising, considering how little I accomplish everyday. I feel like some sort of vagabond. Perhaps that's what this has reduced me to. I mean I do little things everyday, like read for my thesis and work out and spend time with my friends, but it seems to fall short of doing things.
Arizona has been pretty good to me lately. The weather, while still ungodly hot during the day, cools down to like 85 at night, which is perfect. I also love the U of A's library and have no shame admitting that. Last week, I found an article that was like perfect for my thesis, entitled something like The Grotesque as Feminist Revision of the Southern Lady in Carson McCullers's and Flannery O'Connor's Fiction. It was only 7 pages long, though, and I couldn't find the actual article ANYWHERE. JStor, MLA online, EBSCOhost from U of A and Uni Westminster all didn't have it. Then I found out about this thing called InterLibrary Loan, which means that because Arizona's library is a "research library," they can pull articles and books from other research libraries across the country. Luckily, the University of Kentucky had my article, and two days after I processed the request, the PDF file was in my inbox, free of charge. How cool is that! It makes researching so much easier. I had always heard about InterLibrary Loan, but figured it would be too difficult or annoying to do in the midst of a big paper. And perhaps because it is the summer, it was responded to more quickly, but either way it makes me so excited, in the nerdy nerd way I am.
Another thing that made me happy about Tucson deals with the movies. I am from the East Coast, where there are absolutely no drive-ins. Arizona has drive-ins, Tucson has a drive-in and Harry Potter was playing there. It was only $5 and I got to see HP on the big screen! It was my second time seeing the movie, but it still remained just as good. I never knew that in drive-ins, you had to une your radio to a station and that's how you got the sound to the movie. I thought for sure my battery would die, but it didn't, even in that long-ass movie. Another movie-related exciting thing was that (500) Days of Summer came out. I had been excited for this movie since I saw Away We Go with Chessi earlier this summer, and I read online that it was coming out to different major cities at different times. I thought July 31st was late, considering it came out in NYC and LA much much earlier, but I found out a lot of other places still don't have it. That doesn't really matter; it doesn't further my enjoyment of the movie whatsoever, knowing others can't see it yet; it's just, it was a really good movie and I was glad I was somewhere where I could see it.
The last thing I will mention about living in Tucson is how easy it is to be poor here. I get so many things for free, it's out of control. As you may or may not know, I have had the hardest time ever finding a job this summer. Now that it's August, the summer is winding down, and although I have applied to about 40 places, nothing is happening in my favor. It worries me, but not as much as it would if I were living somewhere else. Luckily, my favorite cafe gives me things for free all the time. That is a definite plus. Also, you can walk into a bar here and get a beer for a dollar. That's not out of the question. I usually only go out with like $8, and that's enough. Sometimes people buy me things, but it never depends on that. I also have been getting into shows for free. One of my good friends here, Nick, is super well-connected within the city and twice has let me tag along with him. I have seen the Cowboy Junkies and De La Soul, two bands I never would have really considered paying money for, but two entertaining nights nonetheless. Being at those shows has also introduced me to Tucson's downtown, which is remarkably small, but a new arena of exploration nonetheless.
Enough about, that, though. I think I am writing this post because after my last super-emo one, I realized that it's impossible for me to change the past, I acted the way I did and that's what happened, and now instead of wallow in it I can only focus on making the present the best it can be. That has translated to many different things, but I have decided to try to get back to a healthier lifestyle for the next two weeks. Some motivation lies in the fact that my cousin Shannon is getting married on August 22 and I want to look presentable for that, but it also stems from a general recognition of how blase I have become about being healthy. I have made a couple of rules for myself: no eating "late-night," which means after a bar basically, exercising everyday whether it be swimming or running, achieving a more healthy balance between carbs and protein, fast food only once a week if that (I'm such a sucker for in-N-out and Subway), more fruit and veg, cutting processed sugars and preservatives in some ways. I think these are all relatively attainable goals, I mean I have eaten like this in the past.. and I am going to do it now until August 16, so it's not forever. I kind of want to prove to myself that I can do this, probably because I am not getting challenged in any other way. That's fine though, might as well prove something to myself and gain some sort of physical something in the process.
I also want to cut my hair. So badly! I want something between
and
.
This is a good representation of my hair now:
SO. I like the longish-bangs type look. I have a huge forehead so I think I can pull it off. I want to also cut my hair shorter, because it's so damn hot here. I don't care if it's long enough to put up. I like the legnth of Uma's hair there, but that's probably too short for me. I just want it to basically be the shortest layer in my hair right now. With some bangs. However, since it IS so hot here I was thinking about waiting until the winter to get bangs because it's impossible not to sweat out 1 liter of water everyday when you live in the desert.
Alright. Enough rambling. Feel free to tell me what you think, I have to go swim now.
Arizona has been pretty good to me lately. The weather, while still ungodly hot during the day, cools down to like 85 at night, which is perfect. I also love the U of A's library and have no shame admitting that. Last week, I found an article that was like perfect for my thesis, entitled something like The Grotesque as Feminist Revision of the Southern Lady in Carson McCullers's and Flannery O'Connor's Fiction. It was only 7 pages long, though, and I couldn't find the actual article ANYWHERE. JStor, MLA online, EBSCOhost from U of A and Uni Westminster all didn't have it. Then I found out about this thing called InterLibrary Loan, which means that because Arizona's library is a "research library," they can pull articles and books from other research libraries across the country. Luckily, the University of Kentucky had my article, and two days after I processed the request, the PDF file was in my inbox, free of charge. How cool is that! It makes researching so much easier. I had always heard about InterLibrary Loan, but figured it would be too difficult or annoying to do in the midst of a big paper. And perhaps because it is the summer, it was responded to more quickly, but either way it makes me so excited, in the nerdy nerd way I am.
Another thing that made me happy about Tucson deals with the movies. I am from the East Coast, where there are absolutely no drive-ins. Arizona has drive-ins, Tucson has a drive-in and Harry Potter was playing there. It was only $5 and I got to see HP on the big screen! It was my second time seeing the movie, but it still remained just as good. I never knew that in drive-ins, you had to une your radio to a station and that's how you got the sound to the movie. I thought for sure my battery would die, but it didn't, even in that long-ass movie. Another movie-related exciting thing was that (500) Days of Summer came out. I had been excited for this movie since I saw Away We Go with Chessi earlier this summer, and I read online that it was coming out to different major cities at different times. I thought July 31st was late, considering it came out in NYC and LA much much earlier, but I found out a lot of other places still don't have it. That doesn't really matter; it doesn't further my enjoyment of the movie whatsoever, knowing others can't see it yet; it's just, it was a really good movie and I was glad I was somewhere where I could see it.
The last thing I will mention about living in Tucson is how easy it is to be poor here. I get so many things for free, it's out of control. As you may or may not know, I have had the hardest time ever finding a job this summer. Now that it's August, the summer is winding down, and although I have applied to about 40 places, nothing is happening in my favor. It worries me, but not as much as it would if I were living somewhere else. Luckily, my favorite cafe gives me things for free all the time. That is a definite plus. Also, you can walk into a bar here and get a beer for a dollar. That's not out of the question. I usually only go out with like $8, and that's enough. Sometimes people buy me things, but it never depends on that. I also have been getting into shows for free. One of my good friends here, Nick, is super well-connected within the city and twice has let me tag along with him. I have seen the Cowboy Junkies and De La Soul, two bands I never would have really considered paying money for, but two entertaining nights nonetheless. Being at those shows has also introduced me to Tucson's downtown, which is remarkably small, but a new arena of exploration nonetheless.
Enough about, that, though. I think I am writing this post because after my last super-emo one, I realized that it's impossible for me to change the past, I acted the way I did and that's what happened, and now instead of wallow in it I can only focus on making the present the best it can be. That has translated to many different things, but I have decided to try to get back to a healthier lifestyle for the next two weeks. Some motivation lies in the fact that my cousin Shannon is getting married on August 22 and I want to look presentable for that, but it also stems from a general recognition of how blase I have become about being healthy. I have made a couple of rules for myself: no eating "late-night," which means after a bar basically, exercising everyday whether it be swimming or running, achieving a more healthy balance between carbs and protein, fast food only once a week if that (I'm such a sucker for in-N-out and Subway), more fruit and veg, cutting processed sugars and preservatives in some ways. I think these are all relatively attainable goals, I mean I have eaten like this in the past.. and I am going to do it now until August 16, so it's not forever. I kind of want to prove to myself that I can do this, probably because I am not getting challenged in any other way. That's fine though, might as well prove something to myself and gain some sort of physical something in the process.
I also want to cut my hair. So badly! I want something between
and 
.This is a good representation of my hair now:
SO. I like the longish-bangs type look. I have a huge forehead so I think I can pull it off. I want to also cut my hair shorter, because it's so damn hot here. I don't care if it's long enough to put up. I like the legnth of Uma's hair there, but that's probably too short for me. I just want it to basically be the shortest layer in my hair right now. With some bangs. However, since it IS so hot here I was thinking about waiting until the winter to get bangs because it's impossible not to sweat out 1 liter of water everyday when you live in the desert.
Alright. Enough rambling. Feel free to tell me what you think, I have to go swim now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
