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So this is the longest I've been home since June.

It's kind of weird.

I have been making a lot of big decisions recently about where I want to be next year. In October, I had the realization that I enjoy being fluent in Spanish and would like to keep that up, so I looked into programs teaching English in Argentina, about which I have heard so much and wanted to go to ever since two friends of mine studied abroad there. I thought that was really the right path for me, as I enjoyed my life the most when I was living abroad and whilst it wasn't always peachy keen, the experience I had in London far outweighs anything else I've ever done in my life. Arizona is a close second, but living in one of the pulse-of-life cities (did I make that up or steal the term?) was so exciting and so liberating, a place where I lived life how I'd always imagined it and where things were much more possible than they are here. Granted, nostalgia always does coat everything in a romantic light, but whatever.

The more I thought about the bullshit of living abroad again, though, like the necessary visa, different currency and possibility that my fluency isn't as deep as it should be - or anything else, like how dangerous Argentina is or the health of my family or something - I realized that what I loved the most about London was the fact that it's like New York.

When I was picking a university all those years ago, I wanted to get as far away from New York City as I could because I saw how city-school changed my sister and living in Manhattan for just a few months turned her into some kind of monster. I realize now that it was dramatized in my head; but I saw the ruthlessness of Manhattanites and realized that I didn't want to compete anymore. Arizona was a great choice for me, a perfect time for relaxation and a GREAT opportunity to meet people from all over the country, states and cities I had never previously fathomed and that in and of itself was perhaps the best part about going to Tucson. I understand that. But I got sick of it - I craved the faster pace-of-life and realized that if I stayed in Tucson, things would be TOO easy. I have remedied that by going to London and taking an insane amount of classes in temrs of difficulty and sheer volume that I really don't need. But then I thought to myself, why not just shut the fuck up about it and move to New York? That's kind of always been the plan for me... even though I didn't want to admit it in 2006, I mean that's what the teachers were pushing for, etc. I want to move there and work in publishing.

That seems simple enough, so we'll see how it goes.

But as of late, another thought has been creeping into my overanalytic brain: is that settling? I feel like it's not because it will be exciting and fun, but somehow I see myself however far along down the line falling into the suburban life my parents have. That life is great for them, it really is, and they had their fun and raised a family and have the white house, you know? I hate to sound so fucking vain, but I really think I'm meant for something more than that. I don't know it's like fame.. probably not, but I dunno, I don't want to have such an average life. Although I'm sure once I find Mr. Right and have my kids I will want this life. So I'm really torn, because I'm at this huge crossroads - well, will be in an even huger one come May - and I don't want to make the wrong choice. I guess, though, if college has taught me only one thing it's that there's really no wrong choice. I know that sounds weird too. I will be able to formulate what I'm thinking way more clearly in a few months, I'm sure.


But in terms of the everyday at dear old 6 Judith, not much has changed. Something strangely hurtful happened to me yesterday involving a couple really good friends, but c'est la vie, no?

I hope Christmas and the holidays brought all you faithful readers some good times.

I plan to do some sort of retrospective of the year 2009 in this blog sometime soon.. that's the only thing I can really say here. For daily crap that comes up in my head, go to http://www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.

I know I haven't been good with this currently.

School has really gotten the best of me.

Also, I update my tumblr way way more frequently concerning things I am into at the moment.

So check that shit out if you want to see what I'm into or whatever.



I am going to use this blog to discuss something a bit more personal.

I just saw Paris, Je T'aime, and it really made me remember that last trip to Paris with such fondness. That was probably the best time I had the entire time I was abroad, which is funny considering it was a last-minute substitution for Barcelona. But there was something there, a feeling, about Paris, that I really got to experience. I also did I think the first time I was there with Claire when we were in Monmarte drinking in a park, but the second time meant more because it was with who it was. I have obviously regretted a lot about how things turned out in terms of life after being abroad, and as much as I have tried to fix things, the biggest one is over. I feel like I've tried everything I could with that and it kills me to have lost out on such an amazing person, but I have to respect what the response I got was and just move on.

I've been trying to do that. I really have. I also think I spend too much time in whichever current location I reside romanticizing about where I used to live, etc, so I really concentrated on making the most of living in Tucson while I'm here. And I think I have been way more successful in that than ever before, and it somehow even carried over to going home. I was the most excited to be home that I had been in four years when I returned for Thanksgiving. I think I have finally made peace with the decisions that brought me to where I am and that I am really getting much better making the best of things.

Another thing that solidifies that is the fact that I got the internship I've been waiting for forever this next semester, about which I am really excited. If I like this, I am going to put Argentina on hold and look for a job in NYC. I have this feeling in my gut that it's all going to work out, which is comforting after all the stress that has accompanied the possible failure of the future.

All that being said, there is still a problem: I'm alone here. I need love, I want love, I have love in my friends and family and appreciate that endlessly, but I really think I am ready for "the love of my life" or what have you now. I don't know how to explain this, how it is so exciting but so saddening to be alone all the time, waiting but knowing, hoping but sure. I wish I could explain this more. But essentially: I feel like a lot of things in my life are coming to fruition, things I never planned for but always thought were going to happen are now happening, I am done finding myself and growing up and ready to live my live- and share that with someone. And I don't want to be one of those girls always looking for it, because like I said I am happy with the love in my life, I can't go back.

I hope all is well.