I was going to start this out the typical way and apologize for my lack of recent blogging.
I'm not, though- life happens, sorry I don't update as frequently, the only people who read this probably already talk to me enough to know what's going on with me in real life so whatever. Please see this "Get your shit together" e-mail correspondence between an NYU student and professor to see what I'm talking about.
Cool.
Okay so LIFE! What's been happening is I am applying for a cool job with Environment America. The interview is scarily in LA on Saturday, I'm driving from Vegas (yay spring break 2010) so that's crazy. Earlier this year I had vague intentions of getting back to Ldn over spring break but clearly things turned out differently. As has so, so, so much else. In terms of other school/being a real person things, I have started the second draft of my thesis! Exciting..kinda. It just solidifies the fact that reality is ever-encroaching and one day I will join the realm of the real world.
In terms of personal shit, I have been feeling really good this semester about so much. I have had a huge sense of closure in a lot of areas, I have pretty successfully cut all unnecessary ties, lost the overwhelming sense of obligation that has kept me from fully enjoying life for as long as I can remember, stopped focusing on the negative and just been enjoying myself. I have a lot of laughs, a lot of good times with people I'm beginning to realize I will miss more than my own family and just been trying to make sense of this bittersweet period of life that they call your last semester. I will admit that the same feelings of Tucson stiflation do occasionally occur, although way way way less frequently now that I am more involved in the community here, know the right people and am 21.
I guess the source of any loneliness I have now is just from not having a significant other or near prospects for the first time in a really long time. I was having a hard time getting over everything post-London, but now the tables have pretty much been cleared, but there is just no one with whom I find interesting enough to invest time into developing a relationship. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. Every time I go out, I have vague expectations but they are hardly ever fulfilled. I surely have a block of nostalgia that holds me down and weird things bring it out. Recently, vh1 playing When Harry Met Sally and a phone call tonight from someone with whom I was really involved from high school kind of perpetuated this phenomenon.
Something that has changed is my writing for myself, or really my lack of it. I don't write anything hardly at all anymore, god damn you school for ruining a passion to just shreds and pieces, but that's hardly an excuse. I've written one good poem that I might share with you all if it ever comes up... blah blah blah
I don't really know what to write here, I feel like I can't be as open as I'd like because it's come to my attention that people I never assumed would actually do read this. I need to just have a real journal, might get rid of this puppy altogether..
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Recently..
Hello.!.
Okay so obviously I'm not in the habit of updating this as much as I'd like to be, but I think that's a good thing.
However, something is bothering me- I really feel uncomfortable. I don't know how else to put it. In constant transition? I'm not sure, really, but I don't feel quite at home here in Tucson yet, although things are progressing as usual. Classes started today, I did some work for my internship, wrote six pages of my thesis two days ago...I've already been back to my favorite cafe and restaurant, but somehow it just feels different. Part of me feels like I have already left this place. And while there are constant reminders that I haven't, that I live here, it just doesn't feel right. I'm really hoping this is temporary because I don't think too much has changed since I've last been here. I still enjoy Tucson for what it is. And it's been great so far, awesome weather (like fifty degrees warmer than at home).
But I have this unshakeable loneliness that isn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I guess it's just the first time I've felt it in a while. I think it's because I have actually been spending a lot of my time here alone, but I also think it has to do with what changes occurred the last time I went home. I feel for sure that I don't exactly belong there, either. I love my friends there and feel like they still understand me better than anyone else and I enjoyed my family a lot, but there's really nothing for me there or something; I mean in terms of starting my life, in professional and or personal senses. I felt more at home when I went to upstate NY to visit two friends from abroad or in NYC with my sister than I did in my own house or than I do here. What's that about?
I feel like my frustration with Tucson has come to such a head so many times in the past that now it's like beating a dead horse, so I began to actually enjoy my time here while I could at the beginning of this summer and that hasn't waned. It's just, I feel like I dunno, I'm on the brink of something really serious or something. Haha I wish I didn't sound so complacent because I am fully aware that something's going on, I just can't place my finger on what it is. I feel like I meet new people, befriend new people and enjoy it while it lasts but it's like I keep trying on clothes that don't exactly fit me. They fit me well enough to wear for a while, but no basics.
I wish this made more sense.
I dunno. I think I've just really felt a sense of closure on a lot of things in my life recently. What I was pining over all summer is pretty much dead. I still have those feelings sometimes but I think it's more a product of nostalgia than anything else. I think things would have turned out differently when I was at home concerning that whole thing if they were supposed to. I also closed the book on a good friendship...inadventently, to say the least. But I'm not sure I can ever forgive this person or look at her the same; her true colors have been revealed and I think it saddens me more than anything else that someone can change for the worse so greatly so quickly, but c'est la vie. I'm not closed completely to reconciliation because we were so close for so long, I just won't initiate. Bleh that is bad energy though and I'm not going to waste any more time on it.
All I can say is I'm looking forward to the next big change, however that manifests itself. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I won't be so selfish that I completely miss it.
Okay so obviously I'm not in the habit of updating this as much as I'd like to be, but I think that's a good thing.
However, something is bothering me- I really feel uncomfortable. I don't know how else to put it. In constant transition? I'm not sure, really, but I don't feel quite at home here in Tucson yet, although things are progressing as usual. Classes started today, I did some work for my internship, wrote six pages of my thesis two days ago...I've already been back to my favorite cafe and restaurant, but somehow it just feels different. Part of me feels like I have already left this place. And while there are constant reminders that I haven't, that I live here, it just doesn't feel right. I'm really hoping this is temporary because I don't think too much has changed since I've last been here. I still enjoy Tucson for what it is. And it's been great so far, awesome weather (like fifty degrees warmer than at home).
But I have this unshakeable loneliness that isn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I guess it's just the first time I've felt it in a while. I think it's because I have actually been spending a lot of my time here alone, but I also think it has to do with what changes occurred the last time I went home. I feel for sure that I don't exactly belong there, either. I love my friends there and feel like they still understand me better than anyone else and I enjoyed my family a lot, but there's really nothing for me there or something; I mean in terms of starting my life, in professional and or personal senses. I felt more at home when I went to upstate NY to visit two friends from abroad or in NYC with my sister than I did in my own house or than I do here. What's that about?
I feel like my frustration with Tucson has come to such a head so many times in the past that now it's like beating a dead horse, so I began to actually enjoy my time here while I could at the beginning of this summer and that hasn't waned. It's just, I feel like I dunno, I'm on the brink of something really serious or something. Haha I wish I didn't sound so complacent because I am fully aware that something's going on, I just can't place my finger on what it is. I feel like I meet new people, befriend new people and enjoy it while it lasts but it's like I keep trying on clothes that don't exactly fit me. They fit me well enough to wear for a while, but no basics.
I wish this made more sense.
I dunno. I think I've just really felt a sense of closure on a lot of things in my life recently. What I was pining over all summer is pretty much dead. I still have those feelings sometimes but I think it's more a product of nostalgia than anything else. I think things would have turned out differently when I was at home concerning that whole thing if they were supposed to. I also closed the book on a good friendship...inadventently, to say the least. But I'm not sure I can ever forgive this person or look at her the same; her true colors have been revealed and I think it saddens me more than anything else that someone can change for the worse so greatly so quickly, but c'est la vie. I'm not closed completely to reconciliation because we were so close for so long, I just won't initiate. Bleh that is bad energy though and I'm not going to waste any more time on it.
All I can say is I'm looking forward to the next big change, however that manifests itself. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I won't be so selfish that I completely miss it.
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