Recently..

Hello.!.

Okay so obviously I'm not in the habit of updating this as much as I'd like to be, but I think that's a good thing.

However, something is bothering me- I really feel uncomfortable. I don't know how else to put it. In constant transition? I'm not sure, really, but I don't feel quite at home here in Tucson yet, although things are progressing as usual. Classes started today, I did some work for my internship, wrote six pages of my thesis two days ago...I've already been back to my favorite cafe and restaurant, but somehow it just feels different. Part of me feels like I have already left this place. And while there are constant reminders that I haven't, that I live here, it just doesn't feel right. I'm really hoping this is temporary because I don't think too much has changed since I've last been here. I still enjoy Tucson for what it is. And it's been great so far, awesome weather (like fifty degrees warmer than at home).

But I have this unshakeable loneliness that isn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I guess it's just the first time I've felt it in a while. I think it's because I have actually been spending a lot of my time here alone, but I also think it has to do with what changes occurred the last time I went home. I feel for sure that I don't exactly belong there, either. I love my friends there and feel like they still understand me better than anyone else and I enjoyed my family a lot, but there's really nothing for me there or something; I mean in terms of starting my life, in professional and or personal senses. I felt more at home when I went to upstate NY to visit two friends from abroad or in NYC with my sister than I did in my own house or than I do here. What's that about?

I feel like my frustration with Tucson has come to such a head so many times in the past that now it's like beating a dead horse, so I began to actually enjoy my time here while I could at the beginning of this summer and that hasn't waned. It's just, I feel like I dunno, I'm on the brink of something really serious or something. Haha I wish I didn't sound so complacent because I am fully aware that something's going on, I just can't place my finger on what it is. I feel like I meet new people, befriend new people and enjoy it while it lasts but it's like I keep trying on clothes that don't exactly fit me. They fit me well enough to wear for a while, but no basics.
I wish this made more sense.


I dunno. I think I've just really felt a sense of closure on a lot of things in my life recently. What I was pining over all summer is pretty much dead. I still have those feelings sometimes but I think it's more a product of nostalgia than anything else. I think things would have turned out differently when I was at home concerning that whole thing if they were supposed to. I also closed the book on a good friendship...inadventently, to say the least. But I'm not sure I can ever forgive this person or look at her the same; her true colors have been revealed and I think it saddens me more than anything else that someone can change for the worse so greatly so quickly, but c'est la vie. I'm not closed completely to reconciliation because we were so close for so long, I just won't initiate. Bleh that is bad energy though and I'm not going to waste any more time on it.


All I can say is I'm looking forward to the next big change, however that manifests itself. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I won't be so selfish that I completely miss it.