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So this is the longest I've been home since June.

It's kind of weird.

I have been making a lot of big decisions recently about where I want to be next year. In October, I had the realization that I enjoy being fluent in Spanish and would like to keep that up, so I looked into programs teaching English in Argentina, about which I have heard so much and wanted to go to ever since two friends of mine studied abroad there. I thought that was really the right path for me, as I enjoyed my life the most when I was living abroad and whilst it wasn't always peachy keen, the experience I had in London far outweighs anything else I've ever done in my life. Arizona is a close second, but living in one of the pulse-of-life cities (did I make that up or steal the term?) was so exciting and so liberating, a place where I lived life how I'd always imagined it and where things were much more possible than they are here. Granted, nostalgia always does coat everything in a romantic light, but whatever.

The more I thought about the bullshit of living abroad again, though, like the necessary visa, different currency and possibility that my fluency isn't as deep as it should be - or anything else, like how dangerous Argentina is or the health of my family or something - I realized that what I loved the most about London was the fact that it's like New York.

When I was picking a university all those years ago, I wanted to get as far away from New York City as I could because I saw how city-school changed my sister and living in Manhattan for just a few months turned her into some kind of monster. I realize now that it was dramatized in my head; but I saw the ruthlessness of Manhattanites and realized that I didn't want to compete anymore. Arizona was a great choice for me, a perfect time for relaxation and a GREAT opportunity to meet people from all over the country, states and cities I had never previously fathomed and that in and of itself was perhaps the best part about going to Tucson. I understand that. But I got sick of it - I craved the faster pace-of-life and realized that if I stayed in Tucson, things would be TOO easy. I have remedied that by going to London and taking an insane amount of classes in temrs of difficulty and sheer volume that I really don't need. But then I thought to myself, why not just shut the fuck up about it and move to New York? That's kind of always been the plan for me... even though I didn't want to admit it in 2006, I mean that's what the teachers were pushing for, etc. I want to move there and work in publishing.

That seems simple enough, so we'll see how it goes.

But as of late, another thought has been creeping into my overanalytic brain: is that settling? I feel like it's not because it will be exciting and fun, but somehow I see myself however far along down the line falling into the suburban life my parents have. That life is great for them, it really is, and they had their fun and raised a family and have the white house, you know? I hate to sound so fucking vain, but I really think I'm meant for something more than that. I don't know it's like fame.. probably not, but I dunno, I don't want to have such an average life. Although I'm sure once I find Mr. Right and have my kids I will want this life. So I'm really torn, because I'm at this huge crossroads - well, will be in an even huger one come May - and I don't want to make the wrong choice. I guess, though, if college has taught me only one thing it's that there's really no wrong choice. I know that sounds weird too. I will be able to formulate what I'm thinking way more clearly in a few months, I'm sure.


But in terms of the everyday at dear old 6 Judith, not much has changed. Something strangely hurtful happened to me yesterday involving a couple really good friends, but c'est la vie, no?

I hope Christmas and the holidays brought all you faithful readers some good times.

I plan to do some sort of retrospective of the year 2009 in this blog sometime soon.. that's the only thing I can really say here. For daily crap that comes up in my head, go to http://www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.

I know I haven't been good with this currently.

School has really gotten the best of me.

Also, I update my tumblr way way more frequently concerning things I am into at the moment.

So check that shit out if you want to see what I'm into or whatever.



I am going to use this blog to discuss something a bit more personal.

I just saw Paris, Je T'aime, and it really made me remember that last trip to Paris with such fondness. That was probably the best time I had the entire time I was abroad, which is funny considering it was a last-minute substitution for Barcelona. But there was something there, a feeling, about Paris, that I really got to experience. I also did I think the first time I was there with Claire when we were in Monmarte drinking in a park, but the second time meant more because it was with who it was. I have obviously regretted a lot about how things turned out in terms of life after being abroad, and as much as I have tried to fix things, the biggest one is over. I feel like I've tried everything I could with that and it kills me to have lost out on such an amazing person, but I have to respect what the response I got was and just move on.

I've been trying to do that. I really have. I also think I spend too much time in whichever current location I reside romanticizing about where I used to live, etc, so I really concentrated on making the most of living in Tucson while I'm here. And I think I have been way more successful in that than ever before, and it somehow even carried over to going home. I was the most excited to be home that I had been in four years when I returned for Thanksgiving. I think I have finally made peace with the decisions that brought me to where I am and that I am really getting much better making the best of things.

Another thing that solidifies that is the fact that I got the internship I've been waiting for forever this next semester, about which I am really excited. If I like this, I am going to put Argentina on hold and look for a job in NYC. I have this feeling in my gut that it's all going to work out, which is comforting after all the stress that has accompanied the possible failure of the future.

All that being said, there is still a problem: I'm alone here. I need love, I want love, I have love in my friends and family and appreciate that endlessly, but I really think I am ready for "the love of my life" or what have you now. I don't know how to explain this, how it is so exciting but so saddening to be alone all the time, waiting but knowing, hoping but sure. I wish I could explain this more. But essentially: I feel like a lot of things in my life are coming to fruition, things I never planned for but always thought were going to happen are now happening, I am done finding myself and growing up and ready to live my live- and share that with someone. And I don't want to be one of those girls always looking for it, because like I said I am happy with the love in my life, I can't go back.

I hope all is well.

MONSTER UPDATE!&*

Hey, all. I have not updated this puppy in a long ass time. This is the first time I can remember in a long time that I haven't had some huge academic problem hanging over my head, like two papers due the same day, tests, 100+ pages of reading, lots of internship things to write up, etc; in fact, this free time makes me a little nervous but here we are. It's been over a month so let me re-cap October for you all.

Stephanie and Brittany both turned 21! Brittany took this awesome picture of Stephanie and I on her birthday that really captures our relationship:



Casey and I decided to start a fashion blog. We are still in the process of creating it but I think it will be awesome. Called Caseristy probably. Casey and my friend Emily and I went to Tucson's attempt at breaking the world's record for the largest simulatenous thriller dance in October, and unfortunately it didn't happen but it was awesome to watch nonetheless. We also bought these sixties housewife robes and are going to throw a grandma party where we will make Woo-woos after dear old Fran. I'll put in a picture of what I took that day and I want you to focus on the guy's red jacket: it looks exactly like MJ's in the Thriller video!!





That next weekend was Halloween, which was actually okay this year! I say that because normally I loathe Halloween- it's overrated and normally I end up disappointed, but I managed to have some funz. Casey and her roommates had a great party. This was the only picture I could find of me with my striped tights: a key element to the Pirate costume. It's with one of my best friends here, Beth, whom you may recall from me visiting in Orvieto last March..



My mom came the first weekend of November, and it was really great to see her. I missed her a lot more than I realized and it made me uber excited for Thanksgiving. This is a picture of us out to dinner, terrible of me but whatever.



That same weekend was also U of A's Homecoming, where I got to enjoy being 21 years old. For three years I used to go to the mall before the game and be envious of everyone drinking with their friends in hundreds of tents, but this year I finally was a part of it!



Then that Sunday was the All Souls Procession, which is a Tucson tradition. It is the culmination of a month of planning that has to do with the Mexican tradition of Day of the Dead. Basically, everyone dresses up like zombies and celebrates the life of their deceased in a two-mile parade that draws up to around 10,000 people in the parade and watching it. This really resonanted with me because so many people have died recently from all different aspects of my life and it was nice to do this in their honor. There is a big party at the end with fire-dancers, a concert, etc. It's awesome, I was so happy to do it this year as it's probably my last living in Tucson! My friend Alana threw a great potluck before and Casey, Jenny and Nick tried our hardests too look deadz.





Then this week I drove up to Phoenix on Tuesday night to see my sister Allison, as she was in from Manhattan doing market research. I hardly ever get to see her and it was my first time driving alone to Phoenix, but I made it and had some fun to boot.

Most recently, last night I saw Coco before Chanel and I want you all to watch the trailer/go out and see it; it was amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvDFPjx-uBU I just love Audrey Tautou and France.. Anyway, more realistically perhaps today I attended a presentation on international job-searching, which is of course right up my alley. I feel as though Argentina is the quite tangible, really, and I am super excited to be abroad again and gain true fluency. It's only a matter of time, mija. Other news with me includes sending out applications for different internships. So interesting..NAHT. I am SOOOO sick of school and wish the plane to NJ for Thanksgiving was taking off in two hours. I know October flew by and November has been too- I can't believe it's already the middle of the month! Really!


I'll leave you with this gem, which is probably what I spend most of my time doing. . . MAYBE. Taken again by Brittany:


CHEERS!

Liberty in a college kid's eyes.

Today I stubbed my toe so badly that the nail cracked, it hurts like hell hours after the fact, and I'm pouring Hydrogen Peroxide all over this puppy and it just stings and stings and stings.

But, I'm actually not that bothered by it. I am kind of glad, it's reminding me that I'm alive. I know how stupid/corny/weird that sounds, but recently I've been pretty sick and daily life has become a pretty serious repetition of schedule, monotony, boredom, etc. But this definitely reminded me that I still bleed when I get cut, I still am clumsy, I still am existent in this world and I still can shake things up whether I mean to or not.

My life has changed in a big way since I last wrote. I feel as though now I am completely mature - there was only one thing holding me back and that got taken care of about a week ago, so now I feel truly adult. I am excited. I also have decided that as much as I stress about the future and try to plan for it, nothing is set in stone and my chances of getting anything I want are probably just as good, if not better, if I do not plan or stress. I have focused on living my life in the present, as it were. I know that's also pretty corny, but that idea used to be a governing thought in whatever you might call my philosophy and got completely lost once I got back from London and was slapped in the face with the real world. That slap still stings- it's unignorable no longer, which is both good and bad. I used to focus on the present as a way to ignore the future, but now it's changed as a way to deal with the future. I know that come May, life will be changed forever. More than half of my friends will be in the West. I will, unless somehow get a job, be moving back to NJ and trying to score a job in Manhattan. I think that's what I have wanted all along. Two other interesting possibilities are: take a temporary job in a city that fascinates me, like San Fransisco, work there for however long whilst searching for what I really want to do OR teach English in either Buenos Aires or Spain. I looked into programs for teaching English abroad and in most of them you have to pay, I think to get certified, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I clearly need to look into that more, and will when schoolwork isn't of utmost concern, so probably winter break? That is something to look forward to. I just want to travel again and hopefully become fluent, finally.

Keeping grounded in the present, though, I must admit I have been feeling pretty unmotivated by school. I know that's nothing new, but usually for as much as I complain I still somewhere enjoy the work and that's why I do well. But for the last couple papers I've written and tests I've taken, I've been really blase towards the end result. I did really well on one test, and recieve word about a paper I wrote in that attitude on Monday. This one matters - it's for the Honors program - and I guess I'm stressing it, as dumb as that sounds, but I think the issue here lies more in the fact that I know I could have done better and just didn't. It's like in Top Chef when the chefs make not their absolute best dishes and know they're going home as a result. I don't want that to be me. I want to wow the judges! LOLZ..corniness is rampant today, huh.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. I think it's that since becoming truly mature, I have made peace with the uncertainty of the future. I know I won't fail now. There is no danger, only things to look forward to. I am going to look at the rest of this year as an adventure. I know I'll survive, hell even do well, and am actually excited for what's to come. I dread nothing now. This is true liberation.

My last post

made me feel so bad for being such a whiny bitch, so I'm going to list here some things for/about which I am excited.

I know it's no major life-truth revealed, but it's helping me out, so bear with me boo.

Last night I saw Bon Iver at the Rialto in Tucson. It was a really intimate, awesome show. I recommend everyone checking out Skinny Love, my favorite song of his. (this link is a video but a pretty boring one so just click on it to hear the song). Anyway, hearing this in person made me so happy, rejuvenated almost, with my present situation.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, out 16 October. This looks AMAZING- one of my all-time favorite childhood books, Spike Jonze directing, Arcade Fire and Karen O on Soundtrack?!?!! It's like my wet dream of media!!!! Everyone cool is involved in this, I CANNOT wait to go see it. I haven't been this excited about a movie since Across the Universe.

October birthdays! Many of my good good friends are born in October: Nick, 2 October; Stephanie, 10 October; Claire, 22 October; Brittany, 30 October. My roommates will finally be 21 when this month is over, Claire will be 22 and Nicky's turning 23!

Halloween! I just want to dress up. I dunno what/who I want to be yet. I am thinking maybe Cher from Clueless? IDK who would get that. I might pull Kelly's tell-tale costume and be a zombie. THOUGHTZ?

That's kinda all I got.

Further in the future: TIM BURTON + ALICE AND WONDERLAND I AM SO HAPPY finally good movies are becoming the norm again.

Cyclical

I don't think I've been too good at updating this.

I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..

I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.

Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.

I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.

I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.

In a New York state of mind.

Today is September 11. Here in Tucson, it's pretty much been a standard day. I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary, except my favorite coffee shop was patriotically decorated.

That still makes me sad. I first noticed the apathy my sophomore year of college here, and I am sure Tucson is not the only place in the world where it feels like no different day. I bet even in London or NJ people are acting normally. I wonder if there was even a speech given by Obama or anything in celebration/remembrance. It's a shame how disconnected I am to the news world. I really only read what I am interested in. . I think that's one of the biggest curses of the availability of information on the internet today.

At any rate. It's September 11. I remember exactly where I was when our middle school principal came in and told us that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers (the second one hadn't been hit yet). It was about 8:45 in the morning, if I remember correctly. He didn't make a big deal out of it, at all, probably on purpose, and I didn't realize the magnitude of what was happening. I remember thinking if my Mom knew what was going on - I wasn't sure that she already would be, that this would be one of the most defining events of our generation. How could I have known? When the second plane hit, kids started going home. I am from New Jersey, quite close to Manhattan, people often work in the city and live in the suburbs. Our area is full of such suburbs. That's when I first realized that this was something much bigger than just planes crashing into towers. Our science teacher put on the news against the principal wishes, but he was in there watching too - the desire for knowledge is natural in all humans, especially in time of crisis obviously, so there we all were. The imagery I saw that day has always stayed with me. The videos were re-played throughout the day, no one talked about anything but and although school had just started, we were totally rightfully unfocused.

I finally made it home and I really remember seeing the magnitude of this event around 4, when the news became too much for us and my Mom let me have the remote. I automatically turned to MTV, only to see that all broadcasting had been cut off and they were acting more like a news channel than anything else. Their offices are pretty far away from the Twin Towers, but being in the same city, they had to do something. Then, my Dad came home and showed me pictures he had taken from where the ferry to the financial district of Manhattan (only 45 minutes from Atlantic Highlands) comes and goes. It literally looked like a line of teeth with two badly broken, and smoke as far as the eye could see. He took panoramic and normal pictures and since this was before the advent of Photoshop their value was really quite shocking. I was only in eighth grade, but again, this has stayed with me since. I kind of avoided the politcal aspect of the planes hitting the towers BECAUSE I was only in eighth grade and focused on the people I knew or knew of that could have been affected.

The personal stories were endless, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had just avoided it. I really understood the event through these stories, understood what true hatred was because of this and learned a lot about America's international perception. I never knew ANYONE could hate America. I didn't really think of the world outside America, or the world outside New Jersey even. Looking back on that now, it seems comical, but like I said, I had just turned 13 at the time.

As time went on, I understood more and more what led up to this event, how New York rebuilt itself and what we were doing in retaliation. Although my levels of agreeing with each of those is varied, I at least began to see the reality of the situation. I can recall two events really solidifying the actuality of the event: the first, when the dust and ash settled, the Towers cleared away, what the same New York skyline I had been seeing my entire life now looked like: remember the tooth image? Think a perfect smile with the two front teeth missing. It looked so, so incomplete. The designs of what they had decided to do after that are still in motion, I think, but I remember in memorial they often lit two huge lightbeams from where the Towers would have stood, and that's always quite powerful. But seeing the skyline like this, suddenly every image I had seen or taken of the skyline before September 11 became so much more important because it was in a sense, complete. The second event was the first time I visited "ground zero" after September 11. It was some years after, maybe three or four, and I was taking the PATH train from I think Elizabeth? into NYC and our stop was the bottom of the Twin Towers. The memorial they had made in that ground below "ground zero" was stunning - it was kind of like a museum exhibit, with words on the walls, pictures, etc. It was kind of humbling to walk through that, it really made you think. I liked it too because people went about it with a sort of regularity. I guess that's a kind of New York City attitude - nothing is too shocking, you've been there, done that, etc. But I saw buisnessmen and the like shuffling about, going to work, stop and look, actively slow down their pace, even if for just a second, to see this exhibit type thing. That was nice. I am sure now people walk through it like anything else, if it's even still there, but at the time I found the slow pace of apprecaition somehow comforting.

I am lucky I didn't know anyone directly involved in the crashes. I knew people who had just avoided it or who knew others who had somehow been involved, but everyone I could think of was generally safe. That doesn't mean much though, because so many people WERE affected. Especially after the war started, which it took me about two years to realize was pretty far removed from September 11, and more people died, this became the cornerstone of my generation.

I will never forget September 11 and I hope none of you do, either. I know you won't.






On a much lighter note, which now seems almost absurd in comparison to what I have just written about, another thing that makes me think of NYC is the Spring/Summer 2010 Fashion Week happening now, September 10-17, 2009. I have seen some pictures and collections and it looks pretty inspiring. http://yvanrodic.blogspot.com/ is a good source of that.

It's good to see that the city doesn't shut down over this day, I just think there needs to be more of a balance between remembering and forgetting, if that's possible.


Alright. On that note, I am going now.

Sorry for the lack of posts!

Hi, all,

Sorry I have been not posting on here too frequently. I have been absolutely obnoxiously busy every week since school started. I am taking this English honors seminar that requires a lot more time and attention than I really want it to. Take that however you want. This week has been especially difficult with me and I briefly considered going home for the weekend due to an especially sad event that I don't want to talk about here, but the $700 ticket was too much for me.

I also am an intern at this blog: www.tucsononthecheap.com, and I recommend checking it out, although if you're not in Tucson it won't be of much service for you. That is another activity, though, that takes up a huge majority of my time during the week.

I still haven't found a job, but I rather like it that way now that school has reared it's garish head once again.

I have been posting to my tumblr pretty frequently, though, if you are interested in checking out whatever I am into at the moment. I don't know really why you would, but people have asked, so here we are. Here is that website: www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com. Enjoy! I find it easier to post there daily because it's really based in images, which, I believe, need a lot less explaining than the ever-twisting and turning thought process that constitutes most of the posts in this blog.

However, of course I have reflected on some things and would like to share them now. Two weeks of silence is much too much for me.

In terms of major life: I really, really enjoy writing for my internship, and that is surprising because it is not at all based in liteary criticism and no attention to diction needs to paid, except to capture a reader's attention. Also, the people in my seminar have really made me realize how uninterested I am in pursuing Litearture forever, or in academia. I don't think ti was the right major for me to pick, since media is such a large part of my life, but whatever. I enjoy what I do for the most part, just all the work of this class is completely based in theory, which is not my strong suit. It won't ever be. I think I am a smart person, with coherent ideas and interesting things to say; I just can't easily grasp or summarize Foucault's underlying messages and simply don't care about what Lacan has to say. Theory is what it is, which means that the further you advance in the study of Lit, the more exposed you are to it. I don't like that. So it simply reaffirms my desire to not to go grad school.

Also, considering I have no experience with publishing, it's dumb to just assume that I'll enjoy it and be good at it. I plan on getting an internship with a press here in Tucson for the Spring, but I have to assess things as they are right here and now. What I like right now is this: blogging, images, fashion/media/editorial images especially and portraits. I know it is stupid for me to think I can become a photographer of anything special, but I want to make it more of a priority in my hobbies. That in itself pretty much sounds stupid, but with how structured my life and time has now become, I have to prioritize the things I want to do in my free time. I never thought it would come down to this, but, here we are.

So basically, I think I have sort of presupposed the post-grad worries of what to do in real life, because the longer I am left alone to decide, the more confused I get. I think that's pretty natural considering where I am in life right now.

Another thing that has come up is how much I miss London. If you look at my tumblr, you will see that. I really do miss the city a lot more than I thought I would, because towards the end there I was really ready to leave, but I miss the drama, the fashion of the city, its people, the accessibility to culture and the internationality of the entire place. I really am trying to negotiate some kind of return trip back, hopefully in March. I have several places and people to see in the city, and I really hope dear old Mikey and Jan have it in their hearts to help their unbearably broke child achieve her English dreams. I think it's funny how I always want to be wherever I am not at the moment, and it makes me sad sometimes because I feel like I should concentrate living on wherever I am at the present. I do, definitely, make a conscious effort to do that, even if it is only somewhat on the surface. On the other hand, I know I am not the only person like this. I think everyone is to an extent, and the reason my inability to settle down is because I haven't been in love for a long time. I feel as though I am constantly waiting for that, as well, and get super frustrated with many things considering, but whatever. I will try to make the best of where I am, but want to leave you with this image (taken from tumblr, credit is there) of where I miss the most right now. It beautifully synthesizes a lot of points in this post: inspiration through images, missing London, I hope one day to take photos like that.

With love.

I AM OLD.

I know a major theme of this blog and thus my life recently has been my fear of the future, but this past weekend, I think it realized its full potential.

I went back home to NJ for the wedding of my cousin Shannon and her boyfriend now husband! Mike. It was a BEAUTIFUL ceremony, everyone looked so genuinely happy and love was undeniably there. The wedding was of course fun and I had a good time, but given my new 21-year-old status (the bartender carded me, although it was an open bar..? leave it to NJ), my singleness and the fact that I was only home for the weekend because I had to start my classes for senior year today all made me realize just how old I really do feel.

I got back to Tucson last night and hung out with my roommates and my friends. It was fun too to just hang out, but today was the first day back at school. While I only had one class, Women in Literature, I just knew that the liberty and ease of the summer in Tucson is completely gone now. Since being in Tucson for the majority of the summer, it came as a shock to me to see all of the thousands of people on campus when I was. Everything is crowded, everyone is excited, there's that feeling. All my bars and cafes are crowded, the return of greek life and that annoying BS is undeniable and the bookstore is a madhouse. It's nuts to see how much this town changes with the population and re-population of the college, but my newfound love for Tucson I hope is here to stay, regardless.I noticed a lot of younger people, felt like I owned the place a little bit and realized that this really is the beginning of the end.

In my class, we had to write about an "apprentenceship," basically, something we were stressing about in starting something new in life. I had a few different things to write about, but since it was only a paragraph and I had to think quickly, I generalized and said that my apprentenceship is facing the threat of failure. For the first time ever, I really might fail. In the short-term, this can mean not completing my thesis or not graduating on time, although that seems safely far-fetched to me. In the long-term, it means not being able to find a job after graduation, no prospects in that regard and having to settle for either something I don't want to do for the short-term or attempting to go abroad again to teach English. I have been thinking of this a lot lately - graduation is ever-looming, and this threat of failure is so scary to me because this is the first time it's really real. I have been in school my whole life; that's what I know, what I'm good at. I always have had to only focus on what's next in terms of school. BUT, now I don't want to go to grad school, I'm almost through the system and need to depend on the skills I have somehow accumulated. I am not too entirely scared because I am no stranger to challenges and have proven to myself on a few different occasions that I can pretty much conquer anything I put my mind to and that standard rules don't always apply, so that is somewhat comforting, but again, this failure is now a legitimate consequence, and it will affect me much more than getting a bad grade or not getting a class I want.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and I do apologize for the lack of updates. I am afraid it might continue though- I am starting my internship soon and also applied for a night job, we'll see what happens! Oh, and I didn't get the newspaper. Alas...the beat goes on.

MTV ERA

Here is a piece I wrote to be considered for the Opinions desk of my school's newspaper concerning my generation and the media. I saw this image today on tumblr: that just summed up what I am trying to say oh so well. Credit to: No Cats on the Blog (http://72dotsperinch.blogspot.com/) for this perfect image.

Here is the piece:

MTV-Era’s Effects Run Deep

My generation: media-ridden, media-driven, life in bullet points, text/call/IM, constant updates, internet based, internet run, reality-TV, apathetic except in beliefs, in the present, slowly acceptant of the seemingly dismal future, a vague spirit of revolution, it’s all up for grabs.

While these are just bits and pieces of a characterization of my “MTV-Era” generation – because really, can one characterize an entire generation? – these qualities all come from the same place: the media’s dominant role in our lives. Quick, easy access to a breadth of information constantly at our fingertips has created the recognizable effect of people interested in exactly those things they are interested in and ignorant of everything else. This effect is inevitable considering the everyday bombardment of media, but the ignorance it creates has undeniably marked our generation. We are told our whole lives to be “well-rounded” individuals, but concerning American culture, how many people do you know could have equally stirring conversations about politics and entertainment? “Going green” and religion? Science and the economy?

When looking back at older generations, of parents and grandparents, it seems that their lives were not so regulated through the lens of the media. They didn’t know the minutiae of the wars, never saw the process of presidential debates and elections as in depth, were not so celebrity-obsessed and had more interest in what was happening in their lives. I know it’s easy to romanticize the past and I’m not suggesting life is better without the internet or the other aspects of our generation that make it the most technologically advanced. Instead, I want to emphasize that these things that construe our present can easily overpower our roles in defining it, which is a bad thing. Because at the end of the day, I want to be able to tell my kids and grandkids that I spent my time doing things I cared about and actively participated in my life, not that I spent three hours a day checking e-mail, facebook and twitter, two hours watching TV, one hour watching the news and spent my spare time shopping for products I saw advertised all day. Somehow these things because they have become necessary, but in the process there has been a loss of the “real”, things that “matter.”

Perhaps the most obvious “real” thing that our generation has changed is the quest for love. Dating websites are increasingly popular and successful and it’s no longer “weird” to explain that you met on the internet. Even our version of classifieds, the website craigslist, has an entire section dedicated to romance, beyond personals, including “missed connections” and “rants and raves.” Have we really become so far removed from human interaction?

Listen, I don’t have the answer. I’m not writing to make you feel bad about anything because I am just as entangled in this web as anyone else. Really, we are all guilty because we are simply by-products an atmosphere ingrained with media, telling us how to live, what to like, what to do, where to go and what to think about. In order for any sort of freedom from that power, this issue needs to be addressed more clearly than it ever has before. Perhaps the next time we log onto facebook we can decide to call or visit a friend, the next time we open our homepages we can enter “world events” into the searchbar, or the next time we’re watching TV and think, “Wow, this is so stupid,” we can actually turn it off instead of finish out the hour. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it became more difficult to stay grounded and interested in which directions our lives are headed, but here we are, and here’s hoping we start to fix it.

I haven't heard back from the paper yet for Opinions, but I have heard from the Arts & Features desk, which is something I really want. I'll know by the end of tomorrow whether or not I get the job, so it's kinda scary but I am excited and happy to have experienced the process of this either way, whether I get it or not, because I think it will prepare me adequately for whatever career paths down which I choose to go.

Also, if you are interested in more of my take on the media in blog-snippet form, head on over to http://centerofthecookie.tumblr.com.

Dream a little dream of me....

Hello faithful readers!

I want to post because I have been having really strange dreams lately and have no clue what they mean. The first strange dream was some weird series of events that culminated in me and two friends lying face-down in an abandoned warehouse in Sandy Hook, with Tupac about to shoot us. Right when he was about to pull the trigger, I suddenly saw myself having my own cooking show on the Food Network. It was a couple weeks ago and I thought nothing of it, but other strange dreams have happened that I'd like to share.

Around the same time as the Tupac-cooking dream, I dreamt that I was hanging around New Jersey, in a convienence store, I think, when two of my teeth just fell out. I freaked out, went to a dentist the next day and everything seemed to be okay. She worked on me, seemed really cool, etc. I went on my way. The next night, though, I was out with my mom and suddenly all my teeth fell out. Then I starting throwing up a stream of teeth. I wish I could somehow paint this or show it to you- it was nuts. I freaked out completely, went back to the dentist and although it was 10:30 pm, she was still open and working on many other people, all around my age. I showed her the teeth and then started throwing them up again. She said she didn't know what was going on, then I woke up. I have read that teeth falling out means something to do with gossip? I don't know. I have never had such a vivid image of this, it was so insane. There are a million little facets I would investigate here; I was never alone when the teeth fell out, the dentist was cool and worked on many other people my age so I was even more embarassed to throw up in front of them, where did all these teeth come from? And what have you...Needless to say, when I woke up, my whole jaw hurt because I had been seriously clenching my teeth.

Now for the weirdest of them all. Two nights ago, I dreamt that my brain was falling down my face.. I know that sounds strange. It was all within my head, though, no brain-guts oozing, just there was a serious medical problem that had to be addressed. I got myself to the doctor, and he told me there was going to be a scar, but he had to cut the top of my scalp off (like in Hannibal). In order to do so, he wasn't going to put me under anesthesia, instead opting to give me eye-drops that would paralyze my face/make me feel no pain/black out. I of course was very unhappy with this, because not only was it a cosmetic issue but also it seemed that he had too much control doing things this way. Regardless, I decided to let him go ahead because by this point my brain was behind my nasal cavity. He starts to put the drops in and one eye gets black way faster than the other. My left eye blacks out, my right eye is still cogniscent. I try to tell him what's going on, because now there seems to be a serious issue, me being the paranoid individual I am I start to think that he drugged only one eye, etc. I am paralyzed, though. Right when he's about to cut open my head, I wake up, legitimately momentarily paralyzed, gasping for air and unable to move my hands or legs. I know I was dehydrated when I went to bed, so that explains why I was literally gasping for air. But the paralysis- that's something more. I read about Night Terrors on Wikipedia, which isn't credible but whatever, and it said that usually the person wakes up without memory of a dream, just memory of the feeling. My sister has that a lot I feel like; every time we are forced to sleep together there is a high probability of her screaming. But that doesn't fit here, with me. I don't know why I was paralyzed, but it was so scary.

Sometimes I think my dreams are the results of the many weird short stories I am reading for my thesis, all gothic and having to do with some sort of deformation, but these dreams are so vivid that I think that can't be it. I am really a part of these dreams, I'm not just a witness. I don't know. I hope it gets better soon.

Another weird thing is that my hair has been falling out. I don't know if it always has- I mean, I have a lot of hair.. it's thick and I'm not balding, I'm just noticing that whenever I shower it's a lot more prone to fall out. It's kind of gross. I remember reading a long time ago that on average a high number of strands fall out everyday, I forget the exact number but I remember thinking it too high for real life, so I'm not exactly worried about this yet, I just think these things are all symptoms of something much bigger.

I am the most stressed out I have ever been right now. I think that's funny, considering bigger events, like the SATs, getting into college, enduring one terrible class, studying abroad or trying to figure out the liguistics of going to school 3,000 miles from home are much more tangible in their stress-causing realities. What I am most stressed about is the future, both short-term and long-term. I am really worried that I won't find a job in real life, which has been perpetuated by my ever-present rejection this summer with both jobs and internships. I also realize that Spring is my last opportunity now to do an internship, which sucks. I don't know why I didn't get one in the Summer.. well, it was because I was expatriate, but now that is coming back to bite me. If I don't get an internship for this Spring, I'm like an actress on Broadway who never performed before.. it's the necessary training wheels that I need, if only for my resume, and if that doesn't happen, how can I ever get a job doing something I want to do? I have had the worst bout of bad luck in recent memory, as I think I have detailed here, and I am sincerely hoping it turns itself around by Spring so I'm not completely fucked over. I feel like I'm a good person who works hard and tries to do the best I can, I am not a mean individual and never seek revenge, so I don't understand why I continue to be turned down in everything I decide I want. It goes beyond jobs, it applies to my personal life too. I am happy, I'm not saying I'm not happy, it's just I'm not the happiest I could be. I know what I need to do to fix it, but I also know that it's kind of too late to do so. I don't really feel like getting into this at legnth, but yeah.. I am so stressed about the future. I think my thesis will go well, I think classes will be okay, etc. But the real future, like what I do after I graduate, is way more in my face now than it ever was. I never really planned for it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I made my life more about the journey than the destination. Now, I can't decide if that's coming back to bite me in the ass, or if I can just blame things on "the economy."

As of now, all I can do is keep living my life. I know that the only way to face these huge problems is exactly that: to face them. I am no stranger to adversity and have faith in myself that I will be okay, that I will get an internship somewhere and that I will get a job doing something. I do have faith in that. It just is really scary right now, because for the first time, there is a real possibility of failure. I have never failed anything, ever. Well, besides the occasional physics or calc test. But never failed at life-stuff, and now I really might, if things don't get better. Perhaps I should just start being a moral superstar and my karma might reverse itself? I feel like I am not too far from that right now, though. I don't know why this bad luck has lasted this long, or where it came from, I just know it needs to be over so I can live my life...

I have been rejected so many times....

....I almost want to give up for good.

I applied to another job today- this time, an internship I thought I would really get because it is with a company whose owner I am acquainted with. I sent in my crap today and the lady e-mailed me saying that she filled the positions in April, and that the deadline was April 30. Isn't that a bit early? I mean, perhaps I had waited too long to apply, but isn't April for Fall a bit early...? I feel like April for Summer is about right, but not for Fall? IDK. I am a bit put-off. Really, it's yet another time I have been rejected for a job I really thought I had a good chance of getting. This summer has been full of that, time after time, and I am getting so sick of it. I know I need to just try harder, I guess that's what it is? I will try that. I just don't understand how it's so difficult to get a job here. I mean, no, that's a lie, I do understand...it's the economy, it's the economy, it's the economy.

At this rate, maybe that book I always wanted to write about bums might be a bit closer to home than I had previously expected.



In other weird news, the Study Abroad and Student Exchange Office e-mailed me today thanking me for my participation in the buddy program, and gave me the name and e-mail of an exchange student. I wouldn't mind doing that, I actually think it'd be rewarding and interesting, but I never signed up for it. The e-mail was also addressed to "Christina," so it could be that it wasn't meant for me, but I feel like my e-mail address is too specific to confuse. I simply e-mailed the guy back, though, and said I'd be happy to do it but wanted to know how my name got involved, just because that might give me a better idea of how to work with this student.


UGH. I am so frustrated and this is only one layer of it. I really feel like I need a big life change, I wish I could place what it is. There are a lot of loose ties I want to make peace with or fix (see previous blog posts), and slowly that is happening. I am just feeling quite stagnant as of late in a lot of different respects of my life, and the ever-failing jobhunt simply serves to perpetuate it all.


Enough of the complaining. I am going to attempt to be productive, just had to get this out.

HOW IS IT ALREADY AUGUST?!

I can't believe how fast the time is going! Which is really surprising, considering how little I accomplish everyday. I feel like some sort of vagabond. Perhaps that's what this has reduced me to. I mean I do little things everyday, like read for my thesis and work out and spend time with my friends, but it seems to fall short of doing things.

Arizona has been pretty good to me lately. The weather, while still ungodly hot during the day, cools down to like 85 at night, which is perfect. I also love the U of A's library and have no shame admitting that. Last week, I found an article that was like perfect for my thesis, entitled something like The Grotesque as Feminist Revision of the Southern Lady in Carson McCullers's and Flannery O'Connor's Fiction. It was only 7 pages long, though, and I couldn't find the actual article ANYWHERE. JStor, MLA online, EBSCOhost from U of A and Uni Westminster all didn't have it. Then I found out about this thing called InterLibrary Loan, which means that because Arizona's library is a "research library," they can pull articles and books from other research libraries across the country. Luckily, the University of Kentucky had my article, and two days after I processed the request, the PDF file was in my inbox, free of charge. How cool is that! It makes researching so much easier. I had always heard about InterLibrary Loan, but figured it would be too difficult or annoying to do in the midst of a big paper. And perhaps because it is the summer, it was responded to more quickly, but either way it makes me so excited, in the nerdy nerd way I am.

Another thing that made me happy about Tucson deals with the movies. I am from the East Coast, where there are absolutely no drive-ins. Arizona has drive-ins, Tucson has a drive-in and Harry Potter was playing there. It was only $5 and I got to see HP on the big screen! It was my second time seeing the movie, but it still remained just as good. I never knew that in drive-ins, you had to une your radio to a station and that's how you got the sound to the movie. I thought for sure my battery would die, but it didn't, even in that long-ass movie. Another movie-related exciting thing was that (500) Days of Summer came out. I had been excited for this movie since I saw Away We Go with Chessi earlier this summer, and I read online that it was coming out to different major cities at different times. I thought July 31st was late, considering it came out in NYC and LA much much earlier, but I found out a lot of other places still don't have it. That doesn't really matter; it doesn't further my enjoyment of the movie whatsoever, knowing others can't see it yet; it's just, it was a really good movie and I was glad I was somewhere where I could see it.

The last thing I will mention about living in Tucson is how easy it is to be poor here. I get so many things for free, it's out of control. As you may or may not know, I have had the hardest time ever finding a job this summer. Now that it's August, the summer is winding down, and although I have applied to about 40 places, nothing is happening in my favor. It worries me, but not as much as it would if I were living somewhere else. Luckily, my favorite cafe gives me things for free all the time. That is a definite plus. Also, you can walk into a bar here and get a beer for a dollar. That's not out of the question. I usually only go out with like $8, and that's enough. Sometimes people buy me things, but it never depends on that. I also have been getting into shows for free. One of my good friends here, Nick, is super well-connected within the city and twice has let me tag along with him. I have seen the Cowboy Junkies and De La Soul, two bands I never would have really considered paying money for, but two entertaining nights nonetheless. Being at those shows has also introduced me to Tucson's downtown, which is remarkably small, but a new arena of exploration nonetheless.

Enough about, that, though. I think I am writing this post because after my last super-emo one, I realized that it's impossible for me to change the past, I acted the way I did and that's what happened, and now instead of wallow in it I can only focus on making the present the best it can be. That has translated to many different things, but I have decided to try to get back to a healthier lifestyle for the next two weeks. Some motivation lies in the fact that my cousin Shannon is getting married on August 22 and I want to look presentable for that, but it also stems from a general recognition of how blase I have become about being healthy. I have made a couple of rules for myself: no eating "late-night," which means after a bar basically, exercising everyday whether it be swimming or running, achieving a more healthy balance between carbs and protein, fast food only once a week if that (I'm such a sucker for in-N-out and Subway), more fruit and veg, cutting processed sugars and preservatives in some ways. I think these are all relatively attainable goals, I mean I have eaten like this in the past.. and I am going to do it now until August 16, so it's not forever. I kind of want to prove to myself that I can do this, probably because I am not getting challenged in any other way. That's fine though, might as well prove something to myself and gain some sort of physical something in the process.

I also want to cut my hair. So badly! I want something between and
.
This is a good representation of my hair now:



SO. I like the longish-bangs type look. I have a huge forehead so I think I can pull it off. I want to also cut my hair shorter, because it's so damn hot here. I don't care if it's long enough to put up. I like the legnth of Uma's hair there, but that's probably too short for me. I just want it to basically be the shortest layer in my hair right now. With some bangs. However, since it IS so hot here I was thinking about waiting until the winter to get bangs because it's impossible not to sweat out 1 liter of water everyday when you live in the desert.


Alright. Enough rambling. Feel free to tell me what you think, I have to go swim now.

And I'm finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

Smeared black ink, your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands.
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge, a vinyl sticker with bigh block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am.

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex,
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving
D.C. sleeps alone tonight

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seing why i was the one worth leaving
The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening.
And I am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving.
-leave it to Ben Gibbard.

Hello. This is a kind of personal entry. I need to write it out and think it out though, so here we are. Caution: read at your own risk.

I was thinking about things that are over now, as usual, and I realized that in general, the last two most important guys in my life, in a romantic sense, loved me but I wouldn't let them. I know that sounds ridiculous.

In the first case, he was still dating his girlfriend of over three years and although in all emotional senses I was his girlfriend- there are a ton of examples I can write here to explain how close we were and how much I mattered to him and vice versa but will spare both you (faithful reader) and me (my pride, and these details have been over-analyzed to death). His best friend used to always say that I was the only one who could ever break them up; no one in their group really liked them together because while they were probably a perfect couple years ago, their relationship had come to a certain point where it was detrimental for both of them to still be in it, although neither one was strong enough to break it off. I always shrugged off his best friend's insistence- I figured he was just implying that I was the only close enough to the guy to make a difference in his life, which taken differently could have been all the proof I needed to see how he felt abou tme, but I never acted on it. I wasn't about to be the homewrecker because in getting so close to him I had gotten close to her too. I am not a life-ruiner, it's never been in my nature. I left where I was living for a period of time, during which I realized how I felt about him and what that meant. I think that all those times I didn't explicitly say HEY I LIKE YOU, and all those times I didn't tell them to break up, all those times he put himself out there and I never really understood thus didn't reciprocate, really hurt him. I know it did. I tried to re-establish contact while I was gone and it didn't really go well at all. I got angry at that because I felt like I had lost my best friend. Looking back at it though, I realize that it was me that messed it up. I mean the fact that he was even that close to me in general while having this girlfriend should have been clear enough indication that he was having doubts in his relationship, but I wouldn't push it. I don't know why- I obviously didn't realize what was happening until I was separated from the sitatuion, thus the strange way things ended. Like when I finally couldn't have him, I decided I wanted him. I have since reconnected with him, and while we are friends because it is impossible not to be when you know someone so well for such a long period of time, things will never be the way they were. I tried, but it failed, and that really sucks. I have no one to blame but myself.

In the more recent situation, this boy clearly was infatuated with me. We became closer than I ever have with anyone in such a short period of time, and I feel like we knew each other better than I have known most of the other people in my life, even the best or oldest of my friends. It was easier to talk to him than most people I have ever met and now we barely speak. How does that happen? He was a bit more obvious than the aforementioned guy, and I don't know why, but I constantly turned him down and maintained the "just friends" mentality. It finally came to a head and when we were trying to figure things out, I stressed, kind of meanly, that we weren't dating, hadn't been, wouldn't be, and while I wanted to stay friends I knew that going back to our "real lives" would drastically change the dynamic of our relationship. I saw how that hurt him and didn't get any satisfaction at all out of that, in fact it hurt me to hurt him, but I stood by my opinion. I really wish I could somehow explain my reasoning. Now that we are thousands of miles apart, I realize how much I miss him. It's more than I miss any friend. I tried to talk to him recently but it didn't really work and I can't even blame him. I acted how I did. He was in it. Again, I have only myself to blame. I was the one who said no repeatedly and for what? To keep my options open? That's such bullshit. There love was again, tangible and staring me in the face and that's how I acted, again.

I don't know why it takes me thousands of miles to realize anything important, but here I am, alone and wondering how things went wrong. In the past, I would justify things by saying that I didn't want to regret anything and didn't want to get hurt, but after much reflection I realize regret makes us human as much as getting hurt does. I still don't understand how I could have been so heartless to either one of these two men, for I am the furthest thing from heartless and I do not, in no way, gain satisfaction from others' feelings being hurt or having some sort of power. I think I must have been scared of what was happening in both situations, which also scares me. Because now that I am getting older and settling becomes more and more important to me, I realize I can't just get up and go 3,000 miles to fix my problems anymore and at the end of the day, I want someone to come home to. I have had a hard time with the notion of "home" since the day I left it for good and I can't deny that, but I think in the end it will have something to do with the person that I love. I just can't believe I was so stupid. As someone who prides herself on being perceptive and analytic, (and you can't deny I am either if you really read what I am saying) how could I have missed the two most important events of my life if I had just let them happen or been paying attention? I think I have really learned my lesson here, because with the more recent pseudo-relationship, his absence has weighed a hell of a lot more than the presence of others.

This all coincides with the worst bout of bad luck I have ever had in my cognizant memory. Starting with my birthday, which was an epic fail for a few reasons, then missing my flight to Barcelona (and while we got to go to Paris instead and I really enjoyed that, I truly was upset to miss Spain), then moving back home to find it completely different yet exactly the same and realizing I didn't quite feel right there- perhaps because I had to share a car, had no job and the weather wasn't perfect, coming back to Arizona in hopes of fixing some personal shit and finding a job only to realize that my car needed $1400 to fix and I had to buy a new computer through now, still not getting a job or internship, trying everyday but failing and wasting so much time it seems. I fill my days with the menial activties I enjoy while living in here: contemplating, driving a lot, swimming outside almost everyday, visiting my friends, hanging out at the best cafe I have ever been to and feeling inspired to take over the world every time I step onto the campus that has become home, I still feel like something is missing. And it is: love. I could have had it, too, if only I just let it happen. That's what kills me the most, because while a lot of these things were out of my control, that wasn't. Yet still, here we are. I am trying to get over this as quickly as possible, and think in a few weeks or a month I'll be okay because everything will re-familiarize as it's supposed to, it's just hard right now. And I feel like this isn't the stuff I can discuss easily with anyone but a blank processor because I have a hard time explaining why I think I don't deserve what I should have had all along.

I want to leave you explaining that I will eventually be okay- I know I will. For so long I have been fooling myself, saying that all I did was for my own best interest and to not regret, but I have changed that philosophy. I still think the journey is more important than the destination and feel that every experience teaches me something, I just needed to think this out and thus write it out because now that I have isolated the problem, I can begin the first real solution in what feels like years. This is my therapy and I hope that it either helps or entertains you too. Oh, what a world we live in.

The farther away I get from London, the more it feels like home.



Isn't it amazing how it's in total human nature to romanticize memory?


Does it mean I am mature because I can see that, or does it mean I am mature because I know I can miss something? Does that matter?

The mind wanders...

Ruminations as of late.

hello all!

I know I haven't been too good at updating this recently, and I think that stems from that fact that I feel like I have nothing important to say. This happens to me frequently, the pressure to sound smart comes mainly from within I suppose but yeah I hold myself to kind of a standard and only lower it for special circumstances (like when I bought the space shoes.)
I figure I'll make this a kind of regular update? If such an animal exists?

Well, I came back to Tucson just over a week ago. It's been unreal. I was happy and am happy to be here, although I still feel mixed because I am not at home. I think three years ago I would have felt a lot more guilty about leaving than I do today, which is a great sign of personal growth I think. Not much has changed in Tucson. It remains basically the same to me, although I can now access the cool bar scene due to my recently completed 21 year old status.
I also had to buy a new computer and finally uploaded some pictures from this summer, which I feel I should share.

One of the things that came to my attention sometime last week is that July 14 is Bastille Day. In honor of Emma, "Paris, tu me manques." The fact that I was in this beautiful city just two months ago coupled with the fact that I could finally upload the small amount of pictures I took that third trip back to the city made me super nostalgic. Here are some highlights.

Team Crepe forever.

Monmarte at night. This was far and away my favorite area, and coming back the second time to hang out as more a student than a tourist yielded a really nice experience here. For a more extensive idea about why I liked Paris so much and more pictures, see the post in my travelblog, tusewrlhr.blogspot.com.

In other, perhaps bigger or more global news, Harry Potter came out on Wednesday! I saw it Tuesday at midnight and felt so strange about the whole thing. I have been having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am indeed getting older and older, thus closer and closer to the "real world." I hardly remembered the events of the sixth book, but a quick jaunt via sparknotes helped me out. I thought the movie was really good in that it stayed true to the book and provided a good sense of character development. Perhaps I liked it more too because I was in London for so long and throughout much of the movie thought "Ah, I have been there!" This is a photoshopped picture my friend Mariel made after she visited Kelly and I in London in May. Too fitting not to include.

Hogwarts Express, here we come.

Another thing I have been thinking about recently is gender. It is because my thesis is on the Southern American Gothic and French Feminism, and as scary as that sounds it's actually quite interesting and I am super excited to write it. I am basically analyzing selected short stories from my girl Flannery O'Connor, Carson McCullers and Eudora Welty through the feminist theory of Simone de Beavoir and the like. This could also be an added reason for the recent francophilia I have been experiencing. Anyways, it came to my attention that I really do like a lot more females than I thought I did- I mean that the best way possible; I usually have favorite male authors only, many of my favorite musicians are men, etc. But this past summer I saw two great female-led shows. Metric in NYC on June 16th with Kelly, which blew my mind because it was amazing. Kelly got me the tickets as a present for my birthday because we missed the Metric show in London, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise because this NY show was bomb.

Metric, so happy. I <3>

A second female-led show I saw was just last Saturday in Phoenix with my roommates. I saw Jenny Lewis, who I have always had a soft spot for since Kelly introduced me to her music a few years ago, and again I was blown away at the musicianship that went into producing this show. Her band was undeniably awesome and I thought without them it would have been vastly different, but seeing this show live made me like Acid Tongue a lot more than when I just listened to it on CD. Over the years I have realized that that's usually what happens after a good concert, but this one was indeed exceptional. She played everything I wanted to hear and had these two female musicians named Danielle and Barbara who each rocked the guitar and drums so well that the last song was a sort of explosive medley between them and was completely amazing despite the fact that Jenny was not really involved.

Jenny and her band.

Okay. That's really all I have to say. I want to get some pictures of the desert to somehow provide reason as to why I had to come back here, but we'll see how that goes. Currently I am just trying to find a job here, continue to get settled and attempt to re-regularize my Arizona life. It's been weird; I miss NJ a bit more than expected but I think that's always how it goes, I seem to be constantly coming and going in a sort of nostalgic haze although usually I can't wait to leave.. Yeah. That's all I have to say on this night I think. I'll write again soon, promise.

speaks for itself

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons - but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that is a similar experience for the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world - a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring - this lover can be man, woman, child or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be tracherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else - but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poision lillies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.

-"Ballad of Sad Cafe", Carson McCullers

I love Carson McCullers for her simple, honest truth, Southern way of storytelling and the somewhat fable-istic quality of her stories. She is one of the writers on which I am doing my thesis, and I came across this the other day and had to post it here. Not sure if I quite agree with these ideas, but this sentiment sure does explain a hell of a lot about human relationships. All in all, though, I have not given up on the world just yet.

discoveries come in all sizes

Okay so I know this is supposed to be my deep and profound blog, but I had to share somethings with the world (Casey).

I found this website: http://www.kaboodle.com/. It is PERFECT for us- has wishlists, brands you like and a list you can create of things you just bought. My username is christy_campbell and please get one! It's so fun. Makes me feel okay that I am not actually SPENDING the money, just browsing browsing.

Also. Today I went to Marshall's because I was looking for something different, which I found. Behold, my new obsession:

HELLO! These are such a good combo of space-age, modern design and slightly vintage due to the wedge? IDK. I am obsessed and so excited to rock these bad boys all the time, although moving into desert heat means no tights which means it might get a bit awks. But whatever. I know I have no money and no reason to buy boots in the summer, but here we are.

It's somewhat comforting to know that no matter how deep I get into my thoughts, some good old fashioned American consumerism can really perk me up. The only thing that works faster is the dog park.

Enjoy!

Isn't it funny

How one thing can really be a spark for some legitimate thought?

I'll specify: I have a friend who studied abroad in London for the whole year, which I could not have done I don't think, and she was talking about her final days in the big smoke and got onto the subject of regret.

Regret. I have always been one of those people that made it a mission to "Live with no regrets."
And I don't think I have really failed on that, but I realize now how stupid it is to act like that. I have made a lot of mistakes growing up, as anyone does, but somehow shurgged off things I wish had gone differently, chalked it up to chance or plain ignored things if I didn't like the way they were headed, just so I wouldn't admit regret. But in retropsect, it stunted me to do that. It stunted me emotionally, it stunted me in terms of communicating to others what I need and want and it stunted my social skills. I feel like I'm through with trying to please everyone and getting caught up and honestly getting hurt because I don't want to regret something or start a fight. It has recently occurred to me that many of my friendships are rooted in the fact that just because I have been friends with the person so long, we continue to be friends, but I don't even really enjoy their company anymore and have not for years. I know how horrible that sounds and I know that I am incapable really of ever ending a friendship, but it's strange that I am cogniscent of it now.

I am not sure what has really enlightened me to this, except the fact that a few recent instances concerning a specific friend have made me realize that I wait around far too long and waste time in the process, but I feel like it's important for another reason altogether. I feel as though right now I am in the prime of understanding myself and making consequent life decisions. I feel stronger than I ever have before and empowered by this confidence, which all comes from the basic fact that I have realized that I am done living my life for other people in fear of regretting anything and enjoying the present. That has been my biggest regret of all, I think. Living for other people, I mean doing what others want me to, feeling obligated to everyone and everything and not taking certain chances and opportunities when they present themselves for fear of offending someone else, is what I slip into when I'm not conscious. It's in my nature I guess to please others, always has been. But the time has come now that I really don't care about a lot of other people, I see who has been important to me and who has not. I dont want to waste any more time living like this, but it's inevitable while at home. That is perhaps the closest thing I can provide as an explanation as to why I need to leave New Jersey. I like being so far away from everyone because it's a break. I don't exactly like mixing my worlds because of the small-town, deep-seeded animosities that surround this area and I don't think I want to come back here after I graduate. Again, I can't say where this is coming from really but I am pretty sure it's steadfast in its appearance. This is so enlightening to me and makes me more excited than I was when I left for London.

All this came from that fact that I finally realized I DO have regrets and that's okay. Not to have any means not really living fully enough to risk a signifcant amount of emotion vested into whatever endeavour that may indeed result in a regret. So yes, I am admitting I'm human. I can't list off my regrets here, but they are few and far between and I think I have pretty much learned my lesson.

I wish my laptop was not broken so I could put up some pictures recounting this past month of self-discovery, but alas.

Until next time.

Hello and Welcome

Hi!

I don't know who wants to read this. It will definitely not be as interesting as my abroad blog, but such is life. I created this because I am currently going through much apprehension about the future, both long- and short-term.

Long-term:
I never really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I know that sounds ridiculous, like how can someone not think about that? Well, my philosophy and doctrine of living my life required me to focus all attention on the present. For as long as I have been cogniscent, I've tried to put all energy towards living for the journey, not the destination. That means that I have had a lot of fun in my life and seen and experienced a hell of a lot more than the average 21-year-old, which I am so proud of because I did it all myself, for myself, and the interest in the world around me has become and remained unwavering. I am thankful for that. Really, I am. But I didn't spend the quintessential two years trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, didn't go to school for a degree that would make me money (English- could you have guessed?) and didn't think twice about it. I also believe that everything turns out okay in the end, and if it's not the end it's not okay. So I do think everything will work out for me, it's just a bit more frightening than usual because all of a sudden I am so OLD. I have never felt this old. But I have friends that are engaged or married, my parents are clearly getting older, my sister is in this kickass job, I have to write a thesis in the next nine months, I am graduating college next year, my best friend's little brother is graduating high school tomorrow, I just lived in London for six months, can enjoy 21-year-old life and have friends that are completely financially independent. It's so weird to me. I have always been the baby. I am the youngest in my family by six years so I always was the young one and now I'm not. I know that isn't any great big revelation, but it's slapping me in the face nonetheless.

This worry is basically perpetuated by the fact that this is the first summer in six years? perhaps seven, I have a terrible memory.. that I am not working. I usually work my ass off in the summer and live on it during the year, through various waitressing jobs. I also have no internship, which would apply given my academic status. The reason for both of these is because I came back from my semester abroad in London (http://tusewrlhr.blogspot.com if you are interested) a bit too late (June 3) for either. I applied for three internships abroad, but nothing panned out. I loaf around, on my parents' dime, and try to make the best of things. Luckily life isn't too hard and my parents can actually do this for me, I just feel so strange living off them again in all respects of my life. Another thing that marks this summer as strange is my lack of transportation. I have a car that has been shipped back-and-forth to Arizona since the second semester of my sophomore year, but due to lack of finances around Christmas this year and the fact that I was going to London, we left it in Tucson. All well and good, but now that I am back in New Jersey I have to share a car with my Mom, which works out fine usually but has yet another strange effect on my perceptions of the summer in general.

Perhaps the weirdest thing of all is that I am going back to Arizona in July. I don't find this as weird as I would have three years ago because I truly miss the people there and understand that it makes the most sense as I am paying rent for my apartment there, can work on my thesis in comfort, have my car there and can most likely find a job that I can keep through the year. I know it's the best choice. But it's the desert in the summer- some place I never thought I'd be. My roommate and I talk about it a lot; we both said we'd never stay the summer, and she has been there and will leave a few days after I get back, but only for a few weeks. It's like part of my home and my life is in Arizona, which I honestly never foresaw coming. It's not that I hated the place, it just wasn't the home I'm used to.

But being abroad and gone and always traveling for so long has really challenged my notions of home. I mean I know where my home is- I am sitting here right now. I know where my roots lie and where my parents are from and what my friends are doing et cetera et cetera, but this is the first time this really doesn't feel like home anymore. I can't even explain why fully, it's just so strange. Like the food isn't my food, the activities are not what I want to be doing, my parents have such a slow-paced life in comparison to what I am used to and while I have my friends here, (thank God!) I feel like I have less and less in common with everyone here. I want to be in a bigger city than this. I want to experience more of life than what lies here. And I always have- I have always wanted to spread my wings and get away, which explains my choice to attend University in Arizona and study abroad in London, both without knowing another soul doing the same thing. I survived both, made great friends with both and am altogether so happy I did both. But after living like that, it's hard to come back to this. It's comforting, yes, but it isn't what I want or necessarily need. I don't think Tucson is the answer either, though. The bottom line remains that I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what will give it to me or even clue me into it either. I think it might end up having very much to do with the great love of my life, but also hate to stake all hope in such romantic and honestly uncharacteristic of me thoughts.

I am going to use this as a place to bounce around ideas. Because I am a bit more stressed than I thought I was about all of this upcoming in the next year. And then again, I try to remember that I am only 21 and as confused as I am I am also sure that there are others out there a lot less equipped than me, which is comforting but irrelevant.

Christy moves on, or at least tries to, from the armchair of dear old 6 Judith.