made me feel so bad for being such a whiny bitch, so I'm going to list here some things for/about which I am excited.
I know it's no major life-truth revealed, but it's helping me out, so bear with me boo.
Last night I saw Bon Iver at the Rialto in Tucson. It was a really intimate, awesome show. I recommend everyone checking out Skinny Love, my favorite song of his. (this link is a video but a pretty boring one so just click on it to hear the song). Anyway, hearing this in person made me so happy, rejuvenated almost, with my present situation.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, out 16 October. This looks AMAZING- one of my all-time favorite childhood books, Spike Jonze directing, Arcade Fire and Karen O on Soundtrack?!?!! It's like my wet dream of media!!!! Everyone cool is involved in this, I CANNOT wait to go see it. I haven't been this excited about a movie since Across the Universe.
October birthdays! Many of my good good friends are born in October: Nick, 2 October; Stephanie, 10 October; Claire, 22 October; Brittany, 30 October. My roommates will finally be 21 when this month is over, Claire will be 22 and Nicky's turning 23!
Halloween! I just want to dress up. I dunno what/who I want to be yet. I am thinking maybe Cher from Clueless? IDK who would get that. I might pull Kelly's tell-tale costume and be a zombie. THOUGHTZ?
That's kinda all I got.
Further in the future: TIM BURTON + ALICE AND WONDERLAND I AM SO HAPPY finally good movies are becoming the norm again.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Cyclical
I don't think I've been too good at updating this.
I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..
I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.
Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.
I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.
I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.
I don't really think I have that much to say right now. I'm going to try to write through it, but yeah, recently I've just been thinking and observing and not really writing- kind of like accumulating data for whatever the next big revelation that pops into my head..
I am beginning to feel so fucking restless, again, in Tucson. I hate how this restlessness overtakes me in whichever city I currently reside, but it's especially bad in Arizona because it's so pervasive because of the heat. It's still so hot here. The heat retards us, I think, more than anything else. I get up and don't want to do anything. Walking down the street means a nap later. I sleep every night with my fan on, although it's almost the end of September. I don't remember how hot it has been in years past and I don't really care... it's hot now, it's still so hot that it's not fall and seems like it won't ever be. The nights are starting to cool, though, and that makes me hopeful that one day it won't be 95 degrees out. The heat is definitely a factor, but so is the lack of culture and people here. I have been really good this year, so far, at finding people I actually want to get to know and hang out with. I have made some good new friends, some people I was really kind of looking for in terms of mutual interests and future plans, people that actually have something to say. I am quite happy about that. But I guess it's a novelty thing, because despite that, I long for my friends in London and even NJ. I don't know really how to explain this.
Today one of my friends asked me how I know so many people. It never really occurred to me that I do. I mean, sure, I know a lot of people, but nothing out of control given our generation and its technological advances. Most of my distanced friendships are maintained through things like this and facebook, and of course the phone. I also have a bunch of friends here, but I find myself alone a lot. But when I think about it, I found myself alone a lot in London and certainly at home. I think I am a social person for sure, I just need a lot of time to decompress my own thoughts. I kind of hate how over-analytical I am, but it's kind of here to stay, so I made peace. Anyways, yeah, I know a lot of people I guess and that's surely a good thing, and I feel like I am always meeting new people, but somehow always feel so stunted or stifled. Again, I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I just think that now, at this point in my life, I have really experienced a lot of life. I have loved and I have hated, had my heart broken and unfortunately realy hurt others as well. I have gotten so close to another person and in a matter of months not talked to them at all. My interests have changed so much in the past two years especially that I feel like I am only friends with some of my "best" friends because we have been friends for so long, but if I met them now I wouldn't want to be close at all. And that's so weird to me. I mean, I think everyone has friends like that and the ability to keep the friendship strong or whatever depends on how much effort you want to put in. I used to put a lot of effort in all the time. I feel like now I rather know what I'm looking for and what I don't need anymore, so different levels of effort mean different things for different relationships. Nothing too new or exciting there, in that realization. But I can't always come up with important or interesting things to say, which is another thing maturity has gradually made me see.
I have changed so much in the past four years that it's almost inexplicable. I think I have maintained certain things throughout my entire cogniscent life; a confidence and knowledge of who I am and what I want to do are integral to that. However, decisions I have made since starting college have affected me in so many different ways. Everyone always told me I'd not know the senior year of high school self, and I hate to admit that they were right. It's nuts to me how one can go from one side to one so completely different, but that ability kind of restores my faith in humanity and the fact that I have maintained friendships throughout also does the same.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling so old suddenly. Age is everywhere I look. Mortality bears more presence than ever before. Girls I knew in high school are having babies; people I knew well are dying; life marches on. Now that I'm 21 life has began again, although that too gets old. What's weird is, at the same time as I'm feeling so old and universal, in the sense that I feel everywhere this overwhlelming acknowledgement of the future that was just never there before, I feel so completely trapped. I am trapped by Tucson, I am trapped by the decision to stay here, I am trapped by growing up where I did because the notion of home has been completely changed. I am trapped by my major. I am trapped by the friends I have struggled to keep and make. I am so fucking trapped. And when I think about that, those complaints, there is this sense of disgust. How can I be so unhappy when I have it so well? Apart from the fact that I am white and American, I am a girl with parents affluent enough to support me and I'm following the "right" path pretty well. But I use the quotation marks because my overall level of unhappiness that has been present since carving this path has been what is has, so maybe the "right" path for me has been "wrong" all along. I really liked traveling and Europe, so much so that I wasn't always focused on what was next. I want to go back to that- to a happiness or at least contentment with the present. I haven't felt that in such a long time, if ever at all. It's refreshing, to actually like the days of your daily life instead of waiting for the next big event. And the fact that I'm right back here, in this same fucking apartment, seemingly back where I started just really murders my soul. That's totally the only way that I can put it. I hope this makes sense.
I don't want to sound very upset though. Like I feign the happiness I'm supposed to and legitimately have tried to look at Tucson through postively renewed eyes, and it pretty much worked this weekend. It was the best one I've had here in a while, I think, definitely since school started. I think I just need some time to think myself out of this white girl angst, and once again blogspot is my go-to to start doing so.
Friday, September 11, 2009
In a New York state of mind.
Today is September 11. Here in Tucson, it's pretty much been a standard day. I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary, except my favorite coffee shop was patriotically decorated.
That still makes me sad. I first noticed the apathy my sophomore year of college here, and I am sure Tucson is not the only place in the world where it feels like no different day. I bet even in London or NJ people are acting normally. I wonder if there was even a speech given by Obama or anything in celebration/remembrance. It's a shame how disconnected I am to the news world. I really only read what I am interested in. . I think that's one of the biggest curses of the availability of information on the internet today.
At any rate. It's September 11. I remember exactly where I was when our middle school principal came in and told us that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers (the second one hadn't been hit yet). It was about 8:45 in the morning, if I remember correctly. He didn't make a big deal out of it, at all, probably on purpose, and I didn't realize the magnitude of what was happening. I remember thinking if my Mom knew what was going on - I wasn't sure that she already would be, that this would be one of the most defining events of our generation. How could I have known? When the second plane hit, kids started going home. I am from New Jersey, quite close to Manhattan, people often work in the city and live in the suburbs. Our area is full of such suburbs. That's when I first realized that this was something much bigger than just planes crashing into towers. Our science teacher put on the news against the principal wishes, but he was in there watching too - the desire for knowledge is natural in all humans, especially in time of crisis obviously, so there we all were. The imagery I saw that day has always stayed with me. The videos were re-played throughout the day, no one talked about anything but and although school had just started, we were totally rightfully unfocused.
I finally made it home and I really remember seeing the magnitude of this event around 4, when the news became too much for us and my Mom let me have the remote. I automatically turned to MTV, only to see that all broadcasting had been cut off and they were acting more like a news channel than anything else. Their offices are pretty far away from the Twin Towers, but being in the same city, they had to do something. Then, my Dad came home and showed me pictures he had taken from where the ferry to the financial district of Manhattan (only 45 minutes from Atlantic Highlands) comes and goes. It literally looked like a line of teeth with two badly broken, and smoke as far as the eye could see. He took panoramic and normal pictures and since this was before the advent of Photoshop their value was really quite shocking. I was only in eighth grade, but again, this has stayed with me since. I kind of avoided the politcal aspect of the planes hitting the towers BECAUSE I was only in eighth grade and focused on the people I knew or knew of that could have been affected.
The personal stories were endless, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had just avoided it. I really understood the event through these stories, understood what true hatred was because of this and learned a lot about America's international perception. I never knew ANYONE could hate America. I didn't really think of the world outside America, or the world outside New Jersey even. Looking back on that now, it seems comical, but like I said, I had just turned 13 at the time.
As time went on, I understood more and more what led up to this event, how New York rebuilt itself and what we were doing in retaliation. Although my levels of agreeing with each of those is varied, I at least began to see the reality of the situation. I can recall two events really solidifying the actuality of the event: the first, when the dust and ash settled, the Towers cleared away, what the same New York skyline I had been seeing my entire life now looked like: remember the tooth image? Think a perfect smile with the two front teeth missing. It looked so, so incomplete. The designs of what they had decided to do after that are still in motion, I think, but I remember in memorial they often lit two huge lightbeams from where the Towers would have stood, and that's always quite powerful. But seeing the skyline like this, suddenly every image I had seen or taken of the skyline before September 11 became so much more important because it was in a sense, complete. The second event was the first time I visited "ground zero" after September 11. It was some years after, maybe three or four, and I was taking the PATH train from I think Elizabeth? into NYC and our stop was the bottom of the Twin Towers. The memorial they had made in that ground below "ground zero" was stunning - it was kind of like a museum exhibit, with words on the walls, pictures, etc. It was kind of humbling to walk through that, it really made you think. I liked it too because people went about it with a sort of regularity. I guess that's a kind of New York City attitude - nothing is too shocking, you've been there, done that, etc. But I saw buisnessmen and the like shuffling about, going to work, stop and look, actively slow down their pace, even if for just a second, to see this exhibit type thing. That was nice. I am sure now people walk through it like anything else, if it's even still there, but at the time I found the slow pace of apprecaition somehow comforting.
I am lucky I didn't know anyone directly involved in the crashes. I knew people who had just avoided it or who knew others who had somehow been involved, but everyone I could think of was generally safe. That doesn't mean much though, because so many people WERE affected. Especially after the war started, which it took me about two years to realize was pretty far removed from September 11, and more people died, this became the cornerstone of my generation.
I will never forget September 11 and I hope none of you do, either. I know you won't.
On a much lighter note, which now seems almost absurd in comparison to what I have just written about, another thing that makes me think of NYC is the Spring/Summer 2010 Fashion Week happening now, September 10-17, 2009. I have seen some pictures and collections and it looks pretty inspiring. http://yvanrodic.blogspot.com/ is a good source of that.
It's good to see that the city doesn't shut down over this day, I just think there needs to be more of a balance between remembering and forgetting, if that's possible.
Alright. On that note, I am going now.
That still makes me sad. I first noticed the apathy my sophomore year of college here, and I am sure Tucson is not the only place in the world where it feels like no different day. I bet even in London or NJ people are acting normally. I wonder if there was even a speech given by Obama or anything in celebration/remembrance. It's a shame how disconnected I am to the news world. I really only read what I am interested in. . I think that's one of the biggest curses of the availability of information on the internet today.
At any rate. It's September 11. I remember exactly where I was when our middle school principal came in and told us that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers (the second one hadn't been hit yet). It was about 8:45 in the morning, if I remember correctly. He didn't make a big deal out of it, at all, probably on purpose, and I didn't realize the magnitude of what was happening. I remember thinking if my Mom knew what was going on - I wasn't sure that she already would be, that this would be one of the most defining events of our generation. How could I have known? When the second plane hit, kids started going home. I am from New Jersey, quite close to Manhattan, people often work in the city and live in the suburbs. Our area is full of such suburbs. That's when I first realized that this was something much bigger than just planes crashing into towers. Our science teacher put on the news against the principal wishes, but he was in there watching too - the desire for knowledge is natural in all humans, especially in time of crisis obviously, so there we all were. The imagery I saw that day has always stayed with me. The videos were re-played throughout the day, no one talked about anything but and although school had just started, we were totally rightfully unfocused.
I finally made it home and I really remember seeing the magnitude of this event around 4, when the news became too much for us and my Mom let me have the remote. I automatically turned to MTV, only to see that all broadcasting had been cut off and they were acting more like a news channel than anything else. Their offices are pretty far away from the Twin Towers, but being in the same city, they had to do something. Then, my Dad came home and showed me pictures he had taken from where the ferry to the financial district of Manhattan (only 45 minutes from Atlantic Highlands) comes and goes. It literally looked like a line of teeth with two badly broken, and smoke as far as the eye could see. He took panoramic and normal pictures and since this was before the advent of Photoshop their value was really quite shocking. I was only in eighth grade, but again, this has stayed with me since. I kind of avoided the politcal aspect of the planes hitting the towers BECAUSE I was only in eighth grade and focused on the people I knew or knew of that could have been affected.
The personal stories were endless, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had just avoided it. I really understood the event through these stories, understood what true hatred was because of this and learned a lot about America's international perception. I never knew ANYONE could hate America. I didn't really think of the world outside America, or the world outside New Jersey even. Looking back on that now, it seems comical, but like I said, I had just turned 13 at the time.
As time went on, I understood more and more what led up to this event, how New York rebuilt itself and what we were doing in retaliation. Although my levels of agreeing with each of those is varied, I at least began to see the reality of the situation. I can recall two events really solidifying the actuality of the event: the first, when the dust and ash settled, the Towers cleared away, what the same New York skyline I had been seeing my entire life now looked like: remember the tooth image? Think a perfect smile with the two front teeth missing. It looked so, so incomplete. The designs of what they had decided to do after that are still in motion, I think, but I remember in memorial they often lit two huge lightbeams from where the Towers would have stood, and that's always quite powerful. But seeing the skyline like this, suddenly every image I had seen or taken of the skyline before September 11 became so much more important because it was in a sense, complete. The second event was the first time I visited "ground zero" after September 11. It was some years after, maybe three or four, and I was taking the PATH train from I think Elizabeth? into NYC and our stop was the bottom of the Twin Towers. The memorial they had made in that ground below "ground zero" was stunning - it was kind of like a museum exhibit, with words on the walls, pictures, etc. It was kind of humbling to walk through that, it really made you think. I liked it too because people went about it with a sort of regularity. I guess that's a kind of New York City attitude - nothing is too shocking, you've been there, done that, etc. But I saw buisnessmen and the like shuffling about, going to work, stop and look, actively slow down their pace, even if for just a second, to see this exhibit type thing. That was nice. I am sure now people walk through it like anything else, if it's even still there, but at the time I found the slow pace of apprecaition somehow comforting.
I am lucky I didn't know anyone directly involved in the crashes. I knew people who had just avoided it or who knew others who had somehow been involved, but everyone I could think of was generally safe. That doesn't mean much though, because so many people WERE affected. Especially after the war started, which it took me about two years to realize was pretty far removed from September 11, and more people died, this became the cornerstone of my generation.
I will never forget September 11 and I hope none of you do, either. I know you won't.
On a much lighter note, which now seems almost absurd in comparison to what I have just written about, another thing that makes me think of NYC is the Spring/Summer 2010 Fashion Week happening now, September 10-17, 2009. I have seen some pictures and collections and it looks pretty inspiring. http://yvanrodic.blogspot.com/ is a good source of that.
It's good to see that the city doesn't shut down over this day, I just think there needs to be more of a balance between remembering and forgetting, if that's possible.
Alright. On that note, I am going now.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sorry for the lack of posts!
Hi, all,
Sorry I have been not posting on here too frequently. I have been absolutely obnoxiously busy every week since school started. I am taking this English honors seminar that requires a lot more time and attention than I really want it to. Take that however you want. This week has been especially difficult with me and I briefly considered going home for the weekend due to an especially sad event that I don't want to talk about here, but the $700 ticket was too much for me.
I also am an intern at this blog: www.tucsononthecheap.com, and I recommend checking it out, although if you're not in Tucson it won't be of much service for you. That is another activity, though, that takes up a huge majority of my time during the week.
I still haven't found a job, but I rather like it that way now that school has reared it's garish head once again.
I have been posting to my tumblr pretty frequently, though, if you are interested in checking out whatever I am into at the moment. I don't know really why you would, but people have asked, so here we are. Here is that website: www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com. Enjoy! I find it easier to post there daily because it's really based in images, which, I believe, need a lot less explaining than the ever-twisting and turning thought process that constitutes most of the posts in this blog.
However, of course I have reflected on some things and would like to share them now. Two weeks of silence is much too much for me.
In terms of major life: I really, really enjoy writing for my internship, and that is surprising because it is not at all based in liteary criticism and no attention to diction needs to paid, except to capture a reader's attention. Also, the people in my seminar have really made me realize how uninterested I am in pursuing Litearture forever, or in academia. I don't think ti was the right major for me to pick, since media is such a large part of my life, but whatever. I enjoy what I do for the most part, just all the work of this class is completely based in theory, which is not my strong suit. It won't ever be. I think I am a smart person, with coherent ideas and interesting things to say; I just can't easily grasp or summarize Foucault's underlying messages and simply don't care about what Lacan has to say. Theory is what it is, which means that the further you advance in the study of Lit, the more exposed you are to it. I don't like that. So it simply reaffirms my desire to not to go grad school.
Also, considering I have no experience with publishing, it's dumb to just assume that I'll enjoy it and be good at it. I plan on getting an internship with a press here in Tucson for the Spring, but I have to assess things as they are right here and now. What I like right now is this: blogging, images, fashion/media/editorial images especially and portraits. I know it is stupid for me to think I can become a photographer of anything special, but I want to make it more of a priority in my hobbies. That in itself pretty much sounds stupid, but with how structured my life and time has now become, I have to prioritize the things I want to do in my free time. I never thought it would come down to this, but, here we are.
So basically, I think I have sort of presupposed the post-grad worries of what to do in real life, because the longer I am left alone to decide, the more confused I get. I think that's pretty natural considering where I am in life right now.
Another thing that has come up is how much I miss London. If you look at my tumblr, you will see that. I really do miss the city a lot more than I thought I would, because towards the end there I was really ready to leave, but I miss the drama, the fashion of the city, its people, the accessibility to culture and the internationality of the entire place. I really am trying to negotiate some kind of return trip back, hopefully in March. I have several places and people to see in the city, and I really hope dear old Mikey and Jan have it in their hearts to help their unbearably broke child achieve her English dreams. I think it's funny how I always want to be wherever I am not at the moment, and it makes me sad sometimes because I feel like I should concentrate living on wherever I am at the present. I do, definitely, make a conscious effort to do that, even if it is only somewhat on the surface. On the other hand, I know I am not the only person like this. I think everyone is to an extent, and the reason my inability to settle down is because I haven't been in love for a long time. I feel as though I am constantly waiting for that, as well, and get super frustrated with many things considering, but whatever. I will try to make the best of where I am, but want to leave you with this image (taken from tumblr, credit is there) of where I miss the most right now. It beautifully synthesizes a lot of points in this post: inspiration through images, missing London, I hope one day to take photos like that.
With love.
Sorry I have been not posting on here too frequently. I have been absolutely obnoxiously busy every week since school started. I am taking this English honors seminar that requires a lot more time and attention than I really want it to. Take that however you want. This week has been especially difficult with me and I briefly considered going home for the weekend due to an especially sad event that I don't want to talk about here, but the $700 ticket was too much for me.
I also am an intern at this blog: www.tucsononthecheap.com, and I recommend checking it out, although if you're not in Tucson it won't be of much service for you. That is another activity, though, that takes up a huge majority of my time during the week.
I still haven't found a job, but I rather like it that way now that school has reared it's garish head once again.
I have been posting to my tumblr pretty frequently, though, if you are interested in checking out whatever I am into at the moment. I don't know really why you would, but people have asked, so here we are. Here is that website: www.centerofthecookie.tumblr.com. Enjoy! I find it easier to post there daily because it's really based in images, which, I believe, need a lot less explaining than the ever-twisting and turning thought process that constitutes most of the posts in this blog.
However, of course I have reflected on some things and would like to share them now. Two weeks of silence is much too much for me.
In terms of major life: I really, really enjoy writing for my internship, and that is surprising because it is not at all based in liteary criticism and no attention to diction needs to paid, except to capture a reader's attention. Also, the people in my seminar have really made me realize how uninterested I am in pursuing Litearture forever, or in academia. I don't think ti was the right major for me to pick, since media is such a large part of my life, but whatever. I enjoy what I do for the most part, just all the work of this class is completely based in theory, which is not my strong suit. It won't ever be. I think I am a smart person, with coherent ideas and interesting things to say; I just can't easily grasp or summarize Foucault's underlying messages and simply don't care about what Lacan has to say. Theory is what it is, which means that the further you advance in the study of Lit, the more exposed you are to it. I don't like that. So it simply reaffirms my desire to not to go grad school.
Also, considering I have no experience with publishing, it's dumb to just assume that I'll enjoy it and be good at it. I plan on getting an internship with a press here in Tucson for the Spring, but I have to assess things as they are right here and now. What I like right now is this: blogging, images, fashion/media/editorial images especially and portraits. I know it is stupid for me to think I can become a photographer of anything special, but I want to make it more of a priority in my hobbies. That in itself pretty much sounds stupid, but with how structured my life and time has now become, I have to prioritize the things I want to do in my free time. I never thought it would come down to this, but, here we are.
So basically, I think I have sort of presupposed the post-grad worries of what to do in real life, because the longer I am left alone to decide, the more confused I get. I think that's pretty natural considering where I am in life right now.
Another thing that has come up is how much I miss London. If you look at my tumblr, you will see that. I really do miss the city a lot more than I thought I would, because towards the end there I was really ready to leave, but I miss the drama, the fashion of the city, its people, the accessibility to culture and the internationality of the entire place. I really am trying to negotiate some kind of return trip back, hopefully in March. I have several places and people to see in the city, and I really hope dear old Mikey and Jan have it in their hearts to help their unbearably broke child achieve her English dreams. I think it's funny how I always want to be wherever I am not at the moment, and it makes me sad sometimes because I feel like I should concentrate living on wherever I am at the present. I do, definitely, make a conscious effort to do that, even if it is only somewhat on the surface. On the other hand, I know I am not the only person like this. I think everyone is to an extent, and the reason my inability to settle down is because I haven't been in love for a long time. I feel as though I am constantly waiting for that, as well, and get super frustrated with many things considering, but whatever. I will try to make the best of where I am, but want to leave you with this image (taken from tumblr, credit is there) of where I miss the most right now. It beautifully synthesizes a lot of points in this post: inspiration through images, missing London, I hope one day to take photos like that.
With love.
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